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mwhite
02-27-2004, 10:53 AM
Genre: Science Fiction
Art & Original Concept:: Adrian Nelson
Plot: Kevin Wolfork & Marcus White
Script: Marcus White

GLOSSARY

Maglev bike: Uses the planet’s own magnetic core to levitate and propel it forward at incredible speeds.


PAGE 1-

1- ESTABLISH: A desert planet. Three suns dot the sky, beaming down oppressive heat on the planet’s inhabitants. Massive dunes crowd the surface. The ground is cracked, pealing.

Our asteroid moves with sinister purpose through the planets’ atmosphere—a white beacon in the red, methane-infused sky. There is no visible sign of life on the planet.


2- C/U: The asteroid hurdles towards the planet’s surface unabated.


3- A maglev bike speeds across the desert floor. Its alien rider’s appearance is obscured from our readers, but we know who he is—this is the man that will be Derek’s mentor—or at least the man he was.


4- LARGE PANEL. The asteroid impacts violently with the planet’s surface, sending debris—and sand flying in all directions. This is our money shot.



PAGE 2-


1- The rider’s eyes are wide, filled with knowing disbelief. The asteroid has landed and its shockwave—now a full-blown sandstorm—is headed towards him. There’s no time to react. He’s about to die.


2- The sand-intensified shockwave ripping him from his bike—our rider struggles futilely to maintain his grip.


3- SMALL PANEL. C/U: Mix it up a little. Give me a shot of his hand or face here.


4- LARGE PANEL. The shockwave has sent the maglev bike into a tailspin and launched its rider flailing helplessly into the air. This is the end.



PAGE 3-

1- The sand has settled. FOREGROUND: The Maglev bike sits stationary, hovering feet above the sand—its oblong shadow looming ominously beneath it. The rider is nowhere in sight. BACKGROUND: We see a large sand dune on the left side of the panel.


2- SMALL PANEL. A sand dune a few hundred meters away from the maglev bike.


[Adrian: If you don’t think you need that last panel, feel free to ignore it. I’m experimenting.]


3- The rider’s limp, sand-covered body lays sprawled on the desert floor. Blood is everywhere.


4- ¾ ANGLE. LARGE PANEL. ESTABLISH: A large impact crater—its center obscured by smoke and debris.


5- ZOOM in on the crater’s center, to reveal our probe—a large, metallic cylinder. Its surface is flat and devoid of any indication of moving parts.


6- The probe’s top has divided into thirds, aligned in a T-formation. A thick, inky liquid is being discharged. The liquid is moving with purpose—as if alive—upward into the atmosphere.



Page 4-

1- The liquid has spread throughout the panel, engulfing the rider’s body.


2- The body levitates above the ground, still lifeless—its arms and legs draped impotently below it. The liquid invades every orifice—every pore of the body it can find.


3- The body has convulsed, as if hit by a bolt of lightning. A thick spray of blood spews from the rider’s mouth, arching into the air.


4- Arial shot. C/U: We’re looking at the still-levitating rider from above—as if hovering over him. His eyes are closed. Blood drips out the corners of his mouth.


5- The rider’s eyes are open. He’s alive—gasping for air in the planet’s thin atmosphere.


edit: This was my first draft. It will not be used. We're going to have more action in the final version. We're also going to have one more page.

theory9
02-27-2004, 11:48 AM
I'll read this weekend, I swear. (Is the thread title a DMX reference from the Belly soundtrack!)

Always good to see stuff from you!

theory9
02-28-2004, 03:03 AM
Time to nitpick:

Page 1 Panel 1--you mention the "planet's inhabitants" initally, then say that the planet is uninhabited. Which one is it?

Page 2 Panel 1--"knowing disbelief"?


Please post the final/revised version. This is pretty hard to comment on. The story is built quite well, although you could get to things a bit earlier.

mwhite
02-29-2004, 04:22 AM
Originally posted by theory9
Time to nitpick:

Page 1 Panel 1--you mention the "planet's inhabitants" initally, then say that the planet is uninhabited. Which one is it?


Well, not really. I just said there was no sign of life. I see what you mean, though. It's confusing. I've edited that bit out.

The planet is, I think, supposed to be heavily populated. Not indicating that was just kind of a brainfart on my part. Originally, I was going to have a shot with a massive city carved out of the ground or something like a subterranian city, but for whatever reason I left it out when I actually wrote it.


Page 2 Panel 1--"knowing disbelief"?


He knows he's going to die, but he doesn't want to believe it? Knowing disbelief. Or something. I don't know what that means either. Yeah, yeah... shut up. You nitpicker you!

Please post the final/revised version. This is pretty hard to comment on. The story is built quite well, although you could get to things a bit earlier. [/QUOTE]

I struggle with that. My pacing is naturally slow. Wolf/Kevin's role in this project is helping me, though. He's an action guy. He likes to move fast. As we continue working together, I think we'll find a better balance.

An updated version is forthcoming, but this version ended up looking a lot more like the final version than I thought it would be initially. Aside from my page five, it's all mostly the same.

The Dreamer
03-01-2004, 09:01 AM
Marcus, could you email me please.

This is Chris White....

Conan73
03-02-2004, 09:47 PM
I WISH I COULD WRITE A STORY THIS WELL!

I too would love to see your revised version of the story.

I like the line Knowing disbelief, it suits the situation.

keep it up!

mwhite
03-03-2004, 11:45 AM
Originally posted by Conan73
I WISH I COULD WRITE A STORY THIS WELL!

I too would love to see your revised version of the story.

I like the line Knowing disbelief, it suits the situation.

keep it up!

Thank you... I think we're going to go with the other draft, though: http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=445

Writing descriptions well doesn't do much good, if you don't get the things done in your story that you need to. It has to move. The plot needs to be advanced. Not sure I did a good job of that, but thank you. Your feedback is appreciated.