transformers story I'm doing

[foxmerquise8]

Xadrian requested that I do a transformers story, so I'm trying my hand at it. The premise of the story is that a newspaper writer on vacation in Peru discovers the transformers "Ark" thing and awakes the autobots. The story is set in the 1950's so I can reinvent some of the transformer models.

The catch of the story is that the writer is making a "vehicles of the past 50 years" book and when he awakes the autobots, they can scan his book to get their forms.

Anyway, here is the start of it. I'm trying really hard on the dialogue and I want to know if I'm going into the right direction.


Page 1

Panel 1
A view of a bustling town in 1950’s Peru that is surrounded by vast mountains. This town, called Callao Iqutios is comparative to an old western town in the U.S. The streets and roads are mostly dirt and are lined with low, one story, wooden buildings. A mix of Caucasians and Indians fill the dusty streets of Callao Iqutios with conversation and trading.

CAPTION - Callao Iqutios, Peru. 1950.

Panel 2
A young and energetic man, Billy Rickley, wonders aimlessly through Callao Iqutios, looking at an large map.

Panel 3
A close up of Billy from the last panel, reading his map.

Panel 4
Caught in his map reading, Billy is about to bump into a young Spanish woman. The Spanish woman has the uh-oh look on her face.


Page 2

Panel 1
Billy is now laying awkwardly on this young Spanish woman, who’s name is Lily. Passer-byes are looking at the clumsy collision that just occurred. Lily has an awkward grin on her face.

Billy - I’m so so sorry….. I was just…..
Lily - Don’t worry….. I’m ok. Can you get off, though? You’re heavier then you look.

Panel 2
Billy is getting off Lily.

Panel 3
Billy is now helping Lily off the ground.

Lily - You must be new around here, since the only people who have a map are lost or need to find somewhere.

Billy - Yeah, I’m on vacation from America.

Panel 4
Billy and Lily are in the process of conversation now. Lily is dusting herself off from her recent fall.

Lily - America huh? Looks like you’re kinda lost?
Billy - I think I’m doing well enough for a foreigner.
Lily - Well enough to run into people?


Panel 5
Billy is scratching his head bashfully while Lily continues the conversation.

Billy - Yeah…. Sorry about that.
Lily - I’m just kidding with you, forget that ever happened, by the way, I’m Lily. I can be your guide….. For the right price.


Panel 6
Billy is now walking away from Lily with his now folded up map. Lily, increasingly wanting his attention, starts to yell.

Billy - I think I’ll be well off by myself.
Lily - But I can show you the ruins!
Billy - Ruins?

Page 3

Panel 1
Billy is turning around as Lily runs up to him.

Lily - I can show you the ruins up in the hills, there are a lot of things you can discover up there. Do you want a tour?

Billy - Tell me more about this ruins, I need a good story for the paper. How much is one of these tours you‘re offering?

Panel 2
Lily is skipping off to a bar/saloon type building while Billy tries to catch up.

Lily - I’ll tell you over lunch at the saloon … follow me.

Panel 3
Billy is pushing open the doors of the saloon.

Panel 4
The saloon is full of roustabouts and shady characters, playing cards and the like. Smoke fills the air and wooden chairs, tables, and bars represents the décor. Billy is viewing all of this and slowly taking it in.

Panel 5
Lily is sitting at an table and signaling Billy to come over and sit with her.

Lily - Over here!


Panel 6
Billy is pulling a chair up to the table Lily is sitting at and he is about to sit down.

[xadrian]

It's a good start, good set up of characters.

Couple things that stick out. If someone was about to walk into you, would you make a face or get out of the way. I wouldn't have the girl looking at him before they bump, but maybe make her looking up or another direction so they don't see each other. I might add the actual collision as it's good for timing, just an opinion.

and I don't know if there were saloons in the 50's. Even in South America, it'd been 60, 70 years since the Wild West. Just another thought.

You need to describe Lily a little more, is she old, young, skinny, veluptuous. She speaks very good english, but is she Peruvian or another American?

Dialogue is good.

[penciljack]

I'd like to see if you could do a story without reinventing the characters, Fox. It may be that I've only been exposed to certain of your writings, but it seems everything I see involves reinventing or reimagining existing characters. Got anything that's either entirely new and fresh or perhaps something involving existing characters that aren't reinvented?

[foxmerquise8]

Actually I do, but I'm trying to figure out which story is the "ONE"; the story that you think will do the best if you make it big or send it to image or something. Obviously I can't get that far if I don't practice on original stories, so I will have to choose sooner or later.

Thats why I was asking people for their concept art so I could make a story from scratch in the Anoucement Forum (although I could do it without art).

I was trying to focus on one story since I had all these ideas in my head, xadrian suggested transformers and I tried my hand at that. Also since I never done a full comic script, I wanted to try something I knew first.

Anyway, I'll take your advice and do an original full script after I'm done with this.

[foxmerquise8]

Xadrian,

Concerning Lily - I'll make sure to add her descriptions in my revisions. I would say she can speak english good because the town they in is a trade town bringing in alot of english and american traders for various imports. I haven't really decided on Lily's racial background, she was born in Peru though. I would say she is Meizto (sp?) which is basically white and the native peruvians mixed. We can call her caucasion part Spaniard.


Concerning the Saloon - I just use saloon as another term for a resturant. I just wanted to show that the resturant was kinda old and raggady.