Appetite

[DestroyAll]

Tell me what you think yo.


Appetite

Page One

Panel One
Close-up of our protagonist, Hunter Wellington, who is currently blindfolded and unconscious. The background is dark, as there is very little light in the damp, dirty room.

Panel Two
Same shot as panel one.
1 SFX: CRUNCH

Panel Three
Same shot as previous two panels.

Panel Four
Hunter lifts his head up as he begins to regain consciousness.
1 SFX: SLRUP

Panel Five
Same shot, Hunter looks to his left

Panel Six
Same shot, Hunter looks to his right.

Panel Seven
Pan away so we see that Hunter is sitting in a chair with his hands tied together, as well as his feet. A shady, unknown figure sits across the table from Hunter enjoying a messy meal.
1 Hunter Cap: I AWOKE TO THE SOUND OF TEETH SINKING INTO HUMAN FLESH

Page Two

Panel One
Hunter is struggling with the ropes, trying to free himself.
1 Hunter Cap: HALF OF THE NYPD MUST BE AFTER THE MAN I AM SITTING FIVE FEET AWAY FROM.
2 Hunter: URG...NGH...

Panel Two
Hunter continues to struggle with his bonds, his chair is now tilted back.
1 Hunter Cap: THIS WHACK JOB HANNIBAL LECTER CLONE IS QUICKLY BECOMING THE MOST NOTORIOUS KILLER SINCE BIN CHARLES MANSON.

Panel Three
Hunter has tipped his chair over and hit the floor.
1 Hunter Cap: 12 VICTIMS SO FAR.
2 Hunter: DAMN
3 Cannibal (Off panel): HAHAHAHAHAH

Panel Four
The Blindfold has partially come off of Hunter’s head.
1 Hunter Cap: 13 COUNTING HIS DINNER OVER THERE. 13...HOW UNLUCKY.
2 Hunter: HEY FATASS, SAVE SOME ROOM FOR DESSERT WHY DON’T YA.

Panel Five
The Cannibal puts his foot on Hunter’s chest.

Panel Six
Same shot as previous panel. The Cannibal pulls out his boot knife.
1 SFX: SHINK

Panel Seven
Same shot as previous two panels. The Cannibal’s blade shines in the dark room.

Page Three

Panel One
Hunter sweeps his feet, knocking The Cannibal onto his back, causing him to drop the knife.
1 Cannibal: GUHF

Panel Two
Hunter brings his feet down in a powerful stomp on The Cannibal’s crotch.
1 Cannibal: AAAGH!

Panel Three
Hunter stands on his feet awkwardly, his hands still bound to the chair. He peers over his shoulder at the wall.
1 Hunter Cap: THIS COULD HURT...

Panel Four
Hunter hops backwards right into the wall
1 SFX: CRACK

Panel Five
The Cannibal’s hand grabs the knife off of the floor.

Panel Six
Again Hunter leaps backwards into the wall, this time he gets the desired effect as the chair shatters into various pieces.

Page Four

Panel One
The Cannibal is on his feet brandishing the knife.

Panel Two
Hunter brings his hands under his legs and out in front of his body.
1 Hunter Cap: NOT FAST ENOUGH

Panel Three
The Cannibal charges at Hunter, who attempts to dodge, but gets stabbed in the right biceps.
1 Hunter: NYAAA-YOU SONNOVABITCH!
2 Hunter Cap: I’D BETTER GET A MEDAL OR SOMETHING FOR THIS SHIT.

Panel Four
Hunter gives The Cannibal a double uppercut, resulting in a few of his teeth flying out.
1 SFX: THWAP
2 Hunter Cap: I’VE BEEN SHOT BEFORE. TWICE, ACTUALLY. NEVER STABBED, THOUGH.

Panel Five
Hunter deals The Cannibal another blow to the head.
1 Hunter Cap: HURTS LIKE HELL.

Panel Six
With a final blow, The Cannibal falls unconscious at Hunter’s feet.
1 Hunter Cap: I WONDER IF ANYONE WILL BELIEVE THIS.

Page Five

Panel One
Hunter stands over The Cannibal no longer tied up. He holds the knife in his hand, and he has torn off the sleeve of his right arm and tied it above his wound in an effort to stop the bleeding.
1 Hunter: ALMOST HAD ME THERE YOU FAT BASTARD.

Panel Two
Hunter walks toward the door in the background. The table, broken chair, and unconscious cannibal are in the foreground.

Panel Three
Same shot as previous panel. Hunter glances back over his shoulder.

Panel Four
Hunter grabs a bite of the meat from the plate on the table and tosses it into his mouth.
1 Hunter Cap: HELL, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN CURIOUS.

[DestroyAll]

Originally posted by DestroyAll
Tell me what you think yo.




Or, y'know, don't. Thats cool too.

[theory9]

Good overall script. I like the tone, panel descriptions are short but don't leave anything out.
I think you could draw a bit more tension out of the pages by stretching them out a bit. Try 3-4 panels per page rather than 6-7.

I'm still a bit unclear as to how he gets out of the ropes.

Anyone who's ever boxed knows there's no such thing as a double uppercut.

The last panel alone makes me want to read more of this story, if it's ongoing! Gross!

Hope this helps.

[DestroyAll]

Thanks Theory!

Man I always wonder about the whole panel to page ratio, I guess it just takes lots of practice to get the feel for it, and how it pertains to each story of course.

Yeah I realize now I didn't do a very good job of explaining how he was tied up. I'll have to revise that.

The double uppercut thing was because his hands were still tied together, I should have made that more clear as well.

Not sure if there will be any more to this story, it was just taking a part from a novellette deal I wrote and converting it to script form.

[Vendetta]

Page 1, panel 1
You really ought to tell the artist here that Hunter is sitting tied up in a chair… when I read the first couple panels I thought he was laying on the ground, which is an easy mistake when you consider he is unconscious. Even if we don’t see Hunter’s body, sitting up or laying flat on the ground makes a difference to how the artist will portray him in the panel.

Page 1, panel 2-7
I don’t recommend having two panels “just like” another panel. Once can be ok, as with the case of your SFX in panel two. But generally, duplicate panels will do strange things to the pacing… as we don’t really know what the pacing is supposed to be. Because you start with a close-up of Hunter, I suggest that you slowly zoom out from him so that in the last panel, maybe we see the guy eating. Start with the top of Hunter’s head, drooping forward and heavily shadowed so that we can’t see the blindfold. Then the camera pulls out a little and pans around to ¾… now we might get a hint of that blindfold. Have the SFX sound coming from off panel directly in front of Hunter.

Pan more to catch Hunter almost in profile and now we can easily identify that he is blindfolded. SFX comes from the same place. In the fourth panel, we pan just a little more as Hunter starts to lift his head. Maybe give him a moan or “nnnggh” or something to help the reader see he’s waking.

In five and six, rather than having him “look” around when he’s blindfolded, I’d have him tilt his head so that the closer ear (which should be seen and centered) is tilting to his front where the sound is coming from. Make it look like he’s listening. Continue the camera panning around behind him so that by now we can see his upper body and now ¾ behind him and can see the bindings on his hands.

Finally, the camera pans far enough around behind Hunter that we can see the gruesome meal taking place before him.

Just my suggestion for that first page.

Page 2, panel 1
He’s awake by now… he’d have to be after his startling revelation in the last panel… I’d drop the “urg… ngh” and add it earlier.

Page 2, panel 2
Need commas after whack-job and Hannibal Lecter clone.

Page 2, panel 5-6
Unlike on page one, here there is a good reason to duplicate the panel… and I like it a lot!

Page 2, panel 7
oopse… one too many times. Unless there is some vast 3 theme here, you really should stop doing it. Here I would show a close-up of the knife and maybe see Hunter’s reflection in it… or maybe a warped and distorted reflection of our cannibal with an evil grin or something.

Also… this is now two pages in a row with 7 panels. It’s generally a good idea to limit to 6 panels but you don’t have a lot of action so seven can help out a slow page (like the first one) But this page, I’d look into cutting it down to five if possible… you’ve got a couple of interesting panels to work with here and you ought to think about making some kind of “money shot” (though, don’t over do it if you do… “some kind of” meaning a panel that stands out but isn’t the focus of the page.)

Page 3, panel 2
How’s Hunter get up to stomp the cannibal in the nads? He’s just done a leg sweep, without hands and already on his feet? I guess you can get away with it, but maybe a kick from the ground to the groin might be more realistic. Panel 3 is a better place for him to be standing, steadying himself after getting to his feet.

Page 3, panel 6
You’re killing me… you’ve got some nice action going on this page with a good flow/rhythm but you’re hiding it all by cramming it into 6 panels. Let your artist have some fun!

Page 4, panel 4
I don’t know… I just like his caption in this panel.

I think it’s an “Inverted Double Axe-handle Punch” that he does, since it was mentioned by Theory9 above.

Page 4, panel 6
More action than last page, minimum room to show it.
Maybe I’m missing something? Are you intentionally trying to downplay the action? After reading mwhite’s work so many times, I’m starting (only starting mind you) to catch onto these more subtle, frank ways of telling a story. I kind of feel that it “wallows” in the story when told this way, like they way 2001: A Space Odyssey is told. I tend to be shouting “GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!” while the story teller is just relishing each little moment. I don’t get it, I don’t really care for it and I think that it has a limited audience, which is fine. But good ole mwhite is helping me to appreciate the style. I’m starting to “get” his stories more.

Page 5, panel 4
OH good lord, LOL! What an ending. I love it! It’s something that I would think, but I don’t think I would actually do it… /shudder.

I really don’t understand this… the most roomy page in the story and no action to show off with the extra room. If you’re set on five pages, I’d pull at least one from the page before to this page to give more room for the action there.

Anyway, thems jest me thoughts on et. Hope something in there helps you out.

[Conan73]

on page one

instead of having the same pose three different times you could try to have the picture gradually getting close to the protagonist's face for a dramatic feel. Inbetween the two panels you could put the crunch.

Then expand the view back out to allow the reader to view Hunter's surroundings.

for the most part I agree with Vendetta

your work just keeps improving

keep it up!