Here is a sample of Ghost Rider 5

[foxmerquise8]

Page 1 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
HAZUKI and HAGARI are pressed against a wall (http://nicolasdelerue.dyndns.org:9876/japan/20021027_aroundTsukuba/dcp_2500.jpg ), like the one in this picture. They are against the wall metal gear style and HAGARI is closest to the edge, peeping around the corner. The shot of them is pretty close up, so you can only see about their waist up. The wall is really battered and old and it is nighttime. They are still in the cemetery.

HAZUKI - Why do you go through so much trouble to stop the Yakuza.
HAGARI - The Yakuza are pure evil, they are slowly corrupting our towns and villages, soon they will corrupt even our children.
HAZUKI - But why do you feel it is your job to stop them?

Panel 2
HAGARI is now turned toward HAZUKI. HAGARI has a frustrated look on his face.

HAGARI - Its my responsibility as a leader in the community, after the Yakuza took my sister......
HAZUKI - Kyoko?
HAGARI - No.... my older sister, taken even before my father died. That’s what probably killed him, the grief.

Panel 3
HAGARI is now drawing his sword from his sheath as HAZUKI looks at him with a questioning face.

HAZUKI - Is that why you guard Kyoko so heavily?
HAGARI - Yes, but enough with my history, we have to finish this task.
HAZUKI - Yes, but....... do you heard that.?

Panel 4
A shot of a small girl (Innocences) sitting on the ledge of a small building in the graveyard. This building is a bit tattered. This girl is holding a giant metal mallet over heard shoulder and she is wearing a very baggy, but beautifully detailed kimono. Her eyes are sharp and dynamically evil. Looking up at her from the ground his KOBAYAKAWA. A giant full moon is behind them.

KOBAYAKAWA - All is complete.


Page 2 ( Four Panels )

Panel 1
HAGARI is now peeping around the corner of the wall again. HAZUKI is on the wall, father away from the corner, he is looking at his hands and his eyes are giving off fire. You can see INNOCENCES and KOBAYAKAWA in the poses they were in, in the last panel. They are around the corner and a bit away from it.

HAGARI - Kobayakawa? What is she doing here with a little girl, this can't be good.
HAZUKI - I am....... changing.

Panel 2
Basically the same picture as in the last panel, except the camera is father away. HAZUKI is now engulfs in flames that are shooting over the wall. KOBAYAKAWA is now looking toward the direction of the wall HAGARI is looking at HAZUKI with dismay.

HAZUKI - Not again......
KOBAYAKAWA - It seems we have some visitors, why don't you greet them Innocences?
INNOCENCES - Gladly, Miss KOBAYAKAWA.

Panel 3
INNOCENCES is now in the air above HAGARI and HAZUKI, she is about to slam down her hammer on them. HAZUKI is on his knees grasping his head, he is still on fire. HAGARI is diving toward HAZUKI, trying to get him out of the way.

INNOCENCES - Die!
HAGARI - Move, Hazuki!

Panel 4
HAGARI is kneeling on the ground holding HAZUKI in his arms while INNOCENCES and KOBAYAKAWA are standing looking at them. INNOCENCES is now sitting on her hammer, but the handle of it is pointing up. HAZUKI is still on fire and part of him is changing into ghost rider. A strong wind is kicking up dusk by HAZUKI and HAGARI.

KOBAYAKAWA - Hello, brother. You're just in time to witness the first product of my pet project.
HAGARI - You monster, manipulating children for your own gains.
KOBAYAKAWA - Your so right, brother, but that won't matter when your dead. I couldn't have Kyoko, but Innocences will have to do, for now.
HAGARI - Your even sicker then I thought.


Page 3

Panel 1
A shot of ghost rider in HAGARI's arms. HAGARI has a frightened look on his face. The camera is focused on ghost rider.

HAGARI - What are you?
GHOSTRIDER - Vengeance!

Panel 2
GHOSTRIDER and HAGARI are now standing. GHOST RIDER has his sword pointed at INNOCENCES and KOBAYAKAWA and his eyes are flaring with fire. GHOST RIDER now has two sword sheathes under his belt, one of the sheathes are empty and another has a sword it in. KOBAYAKAWA's hair is flowing with dying embers.

GHOSTRIDER - Molding a mere child into your evil likeness, that alone is a crime worthy of my penance blade.
HAGARI - This time you won't get away Kobayakawa.
KOBAYAKWA - You two don't know what you have gotten yourselves into, Innocences will destroy you both.

Panel 3
A shot of KOBAYAKAWA with a sly look on her face. INNOCENCES is right beside side her with purple energy flowing from her eyes.

KOBAYAKAWA - You see brother, Innocences is not just a mere child. Isn't that right, Innocences?
INNOCENCES - Yes, Miss Kobayakawa.
KOBAYAKAWA - This hammer of hers can bring back lost spirits for her to command. Being that we are in a graveyard, I think that you and that monster of yours are in a lot of trouble. Lucky for you, your going to die in a cemetery, save Kyoko the trouble of bearing you.

Panel 4
A shot of KOBAYAKAWA's hand holding some metal balls.

Panel 5
KOBAYAKAWA is now hurling the balls at the ground, as they produce a thick smoke.

[theory9]

Nice overall story. I like the reimagining of Ghost Rider as a ronin-like character. The photo reference is also a nice touch. Things that bugged me, however, were:

--First panel. Why are they "still in the cemetary"? Is this the
continuation of another story?
--Page 1, Panel 3. The dialogue is a bit corny, and "did you heard
that?" is pretty bad English.
--Page 1, Panel 4. There's no indication in the panel that
KOBAYAKAWA is a woman.
--I would think that the panel with the GR transformation would
be more dynamic, dominate more of the page.

Hope this helps.

[foxmerquise8]

I actually did 4 other issues, this is a continuation of issue four.

Ghost Rider 4 (http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=41201)

[xadrian]

I thought the same thing about KOBAYAKAWA, I didn't read the others so I was out of the loop.

I'll 2nd what's been said. And as always, proof read for grammar.

[mwhite]

There are a lot of grammatical errors in this - things that you could have fixed by simply proofreading - or doing a quick spell-check in Word. There's no real excuse for it. You can do better.

Another thing you need to work on is your sentence structure. You have to learn to weed out the nonessential. Make an effort to be clear and concise. Don't repeat yourself. Strive for economy.


Example:

“Panel 4
A shot of a small girl (Innocences) sitting on the ledge of a small building in the graveyard. This building is a bit tattered.”


Think critically about your writing. Be objective. Ask yourself questions.

What could you have left out in these two sentences? Did you need two sentences at all? Did you tell your artist everything he/she needed to know about the scene?


About dialogue:

I agree with theory9. Your dialogue is corny in places. It reads like you're trying to imitate all the samurai flicks you've seen. Homage has its place, but it's easy to go too far.


A good trick to getting more realistic dialogue - is to just listen. Wherever you go, listen. Absorb. Take in people's conversations. Write down interesting bits of dialogue. It's simple, but effective.

Another good, but somewhat humbling option is to read your dialogue aloud. Take it in. Think objectively (there's that word again) about it. Ask yourself if the words coming out of your mouth are believable.

Just keep writing, man. You will improve. Practice, practice, practice - then practice some more. There's no substitute for the actual experience of writing and learning from your mistakes as you make them.

[foxmerquise8]

I actually did spell check.

[foxmerquise8]

Also which dialouge is corny? I want to know so I can adjust it.

[mwhite]

Originally posted by foxmerquise8
I actually did spell check.

No offense, but that's impossible. There's no way any good spellchecking software would have let those mistakes slip by. If it did, you need to change whatever app you're using asap.

Still, when you spellcheck you have to proofread to make sure the program doesn't miss anything. It's the same thing when you're using a program like Dreamweaver to code a webpage. Using the program makes things easier, but it can't replace actually knowing the fundamentals.

[xadrian]

Spell check won't find their there or they're, from form, it's its, etc.

Grammar check will, but so will a once over, like what we're doing. :)

[foxmerquise8]

Well can you tell me whats wrong with my dialogue?

[mwhite]

You know, that's a hard question to answer. It's something I haven't thought about in a long time. But, it's an important question, so I'm going to try my best to answer it.

Dialouge is a very subjective thing. Ask five different writers what they think makes good dialogue and you'll probably get five different answers. Hell, they might even spell the word dialog differently.

The most basic thing is grammar. That's the last thing you want people worrying about when they look at your work. The only thing you want your reader worrying about is the story - not whether you spelled you're as your. Cross your t's. Dot your i's. Remove it from the equation. I speak from experience.

To me, good dialogue just boils down to one thing: Is it believeable? Rather, is there truth to it? When your character speaks, are they being true to the 'voice' you've established?

1. Good dialogue supports the plot, character, and setting - it has a connection to the action.

2. Good dialogue is situational dialogue; it's dictated by environment. It's simple. It flows.

3. Good dialogue advances the plot. It's always, always giving new information to the reader.

4. Good dialogue is not real dialogue. Real conversations are boring. They're slow, clumsy. Meandering. Your job is to create the illusion of real dialogue.

5. To show how a character feels with dialogue, you don't have to say overtly how they feel. You can suggest it.


Does that help any?

[foxmerquise8]

A bit, I'm still not sure which dialouge is bad or is it all bad.

[mwhite]

I like when Ghost Rider says "Vengance!"

[foxmerquise8]

so all the other dialouge is bad?

It might help you in your reviewing process if you knew there are 5 other ghost rider samurai stories I did, you can probably find them around the pages in this forum.

[theory9]

No offense Fox, but I'm not sure how reading the other script samples will somehow clear up bad dialogue. For example:

--Page 1 Panel 3:"Yes, but enough with my history, we have to finish this task." This is not organic dialogue--it's corny in the sense that real people don't speak this way.

The rest of the dialogue flows in a similar manner. Even if one were to allow for the fact that we're in Japan, which is assumed to be a bit more formal with regard to communication, it still hits the ear in the wrong way. The dialogue is didactic, reads like a simple black/white morality play. If this is your intention, so be it, but hammering out your dialogue a bit will make the story much more palatable.

[foxmerquise8]

I didn't mean for the dialouge, I mean if he was confused on why they were where they are and what was there purpose.