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Morganza
01-16-2004, 10:50 PM
I just recently started writing again, it's been a decade since I wrote a story, it feels good to get back to it. This segment is part of a more encompassing tale.


Page 1 Panel 1

Establishing shot – Panoramic view of Neo LA from the open sea, it is a foggy moonlit night. In the distance we can see a few fires burning and helicopters buzzing over the burned areas.

CAPTION [0]: DAY 1

RADIO [1]: “...as of 9:32 p.m. Pacific standard time, Governor Martino has officially declared the city of Los Angeles under federal marshal law by Executive Order from the President…

Page 1 Panel 2

Exterior shot of an abandoned warehouse on a commercial shipping port, the entire area is desolate and unkempt, no ships docked. Faint light is coming from the warehouse.

RADIO [2]: “...We are now into the thirteenth hour as the pandemonium continues on the streets of LA. We now know the mysterious light was not a thermal nuclear device as previously reported, and sadly the chaos continues to take it’s toll on the population as thousands try to flee the city fearing for their lives. The panic has caused numerous fires as a result of vehicle accidents, looting, and mass hysteria. Casualties have increased in the last hour, 1208 wounded, 893 dead, 233 missing…“

Page 1 Panel 3

Same view as Panel 2, except a large white delivery van has pulled up into view, The delivery van looks like a Fed Ex Van but custom built for monitoring and surveillance, A graphic on the side of the van says” Nolex Security”.

RADIO [3]: “...No word yet as to what the phenomenon was, NASA officials have dismissed the event as nothing more than discharge of ions in the atmosphere created by a solar flare, but that explanation does not account the other weird phenomena reported since the event began...”

Panel 1 Page 4

Close up of the Van*. The view is moved to almost the rear of the van, where we can just see two thick metal doors slowly open and a ramp begins it‘s descent to the ground, steam rushes out from hydraulic pistons moving the doors and ramp.* Model sheet

RADIO [4]: “...Ladies and gentlemen, please bare with us as we try to get you the latest news...we have been receiving a steady stream of unbelievable reports from all over the city, we urge our listeners to please stay indoors for your own safety and tune in to your local news station for further developments...and prey”

Page 2 SPLASH-PAGE

Close up of rear van entrance. Full figure view of Armatron* as he begins to ascend down the ramp.

Armatron [1]: “Damn, sounds like the world has gone crazy, what the hell is happening? Better go clear the property of squatters before something else happens.”

Armatron [2]: “Control...This is Security 22, I’m at location SP-386, stand by…”

RADIO [3]: “Copy Sec-22, hurry back, the military are evacuating the Nolex building soon. Over.”

Armatron [4]: “I copy control, I estimate a 20 minute sweep and clear. Over.”
Page 3 Panel 1

Interior view of Warehouse facing a large roll away door. The door is being pushed up by Armatron to where we can see him clearly.

Armatron [1]: “Nolex Security!...uh...In case you don’t know, the entire city is under marshal law, we need to evacuate to a safe location right away…”


Page 3 Panel 2

Pull away to the ceiling to get a birds eye view of Armatron walking towards the center of the warehouse. In the center, a huge crystal-like formation acts as a pillar in the warehouse touching ceiling to floor, body parts are scattered all around it.

Armatron [2]: “…my god…”


Page 3 Panel 3

Close up of Armatron, you can see a reflection in his visor of a severed woman’s hand.

Armatron [3]: “CONTROL! I HAVE A CODE 3, NEED BACK UP NOW!! CODE 3!!!”

RADIO [4]: “……………...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzztt………………..”

Armatron [5]: “THIS IS A GOD DAMNED EMERGENCY! RESPOND!!!”


Page 3 Panel 4

Armatron kneels down to pick up the arm he saw before.

RADIO [6] “………………….t………….t………”

Armatron [7]: “Com-Link...channel 9, 911 emergency does anyone receive my transmission? Over.

RADIO [8]: “………..ge….of…...ere…….help!...zzzzzzzzzt”


Page 3 Panel 5

Close up of the woman’s hand as Armatron holds it, the hand is very well manicured with a few rings on it.

Armatron [9]: “What the hell…?”

VOICE ( off panel ) [10]: *use some type of alien hieroglyph*


Page 3 Panel 6

Extreme close up of Armatron’s helmet, the reflection on his visor shows the crystal pillar.

Ben Christensen
01-24-2004, 02:46 PM
;pencil; Overall: I love this so far. I would love to see more.

;pencil; Specifics: You're dialogue is good in what is says, but it should be layed out differently.

RADIO [2]: “...We are now into the thirteenth hour as the pandemonium continues on the streets of LA. We now know the mysterious light was not a thermal nuclear device as previously reported, and sadly the chaos continues to take it’s toll on the population as thousands try to flee the city fearing for their lives. The panic has caused numerous fires as a result of vehicle accidents, looting, and mass hysteria. Casualties have increased in the last hour, 1208 wounded, 893 dead, 233 missing…“

That's a lot to put in one caption box or balloon. That could easily be broken up into three or four balloons. Though it's the same amount of information, more balloons gives the reader a second to take in what each one says.

- I'm pretty sure that you don't need to have quotations on all dialogue. It works good for the Radio, but I think it's not needed for normal human speach.

- Page 2: Armatron [1]: “Damn, sounds like the world has gone crazy, what the hell is happening? Better go clear the property of squatters before something else happens.”

These two sentences are clearly different thoughts, so it would be better to break them up in to two balloons.

-You should have two different names for the different radio balloons. It got confussing for a second when you shifted to the communication radio and called it the same thing.

-Page 2: RADIO [3]: “Copy Sec-22, hurry back, the military are evacuating the Nolex building soon. Over.”

Should be: "... the military IS evacuating the Nolex..."



Hope that helps. Like I said above, I really would like to see more of this one.

-Ben;onei;

Morganza
01-24-2004, 05:56 PM
Hey, thanks for your help, it's very appreciated! I'll make the revisions like you suggested.