The First Scene of My As-Yet-Untitled Comic Story

[Ian Miller]

This is a comic script I've been working on for the past few days. I got a little burned out from drawing so much, and I figured I could improve upon my sequential drawing skills by actually doing some writing. I have this so far, but I'm kinda stuck on what the next scene should be. If I do decide to complete it and try and get it made, I don't think I'll draw it. I guess this is my turn to try my hand at writing. There's some profanity, as I wanted to target a more mature audience than some of the stuff I normally work on. I'm planning to develop it more characterwise, kind of mixing it up between smarter, more accomplished people and having them interact with slower or less bright people. So anyway, enjoy, and C&C is gladly welcome.













Untitled Masterwork
By Ian Miller

PAGE 1

Panel 1
Opening shot of a supermarket near a fairly large-sized city. It’s not directly in the center of the city, however. There are houses and apartment buildings all around the store, and larger buildings can be seen in the background. It’s about 6:00 PM during the winter. It’s cold out, so steam from the heating vents of the store should be seen. The view should be mainly of the mid-sized supermarket, with a few cars in the shot. This supermarket is in a pretty bad neighborhood, so maybe some litter or graffiti should be shown. The supermarket is mid-sized, so not too big, not too small. It has a flat roof, maybe with some snow on top, and a large logo across the front which reads “QUICKIEMARKET.” No one is outside except for a woman and a small child exiting the store, and a man sitting on the benches outside the store near the exit door. The people should just be seen as silhouettes, without much detail. The woman is carrying the child. The child is a girl.
1 GIRL LOOK, MOM!

Panel 2
There is a gloved hand just visible from the side of the panel. It’s pointing towards a man on the bench outside of the supermarket. The glove is purple, and the man being pointed at is in his late 20’s or early 30’s, somewhat daydreaming and staring off into space, with long, blond hair a little past his shoulders. He looks a little bit frustrated. There is a light presumably above him. It isn’t seen, but there is light shining down on him. He wears a long brown winter coat, opened, with a red scarf underneath. He wears a bluish-gray sweater under that, and brown trousers.
2 GIRL THAT PERSON HAS REALLY LONG HAIR!

Panel 3
Basically the same shot as panel 2, except the man looks a little confused and pays a little more attention to the girl.
3 GIRL MOMMY, IS THAT A MAN OR A LADY?

Panel 4
2 CHOICES:
A shot of the man on the bench from about his knees up. He’s leaning over, same camera angle as panel 3, and has his right hand lifted. He’s making a fist, except the middle finger is extended, and he has an angry smirk or his face.
OR, IF THIS IS TOO VULGAR:
A shot of the man from the shoulders up. He’s facing forward, eyes focused on the little girl. You see maybe half a finger extended, fingernail facing outward. It’ll be revealed what he’s doing in the next panel.



Panel 5
The girl turns around, and her face is seen. She’s being held by her mother, who’s face isn’t. The girl has a curious look on her face. The man can be seen smirking in the background.
4 GIRL MOM, WHAT’S IT MEAN WHEN SOMEONE STICKS THEIR
MIDDLE FINGER UP AT YOU?
5 MOTHER IT’S VERY BAD! DON’T YOU EVER DO IT!

Panel 6
The man smiles and leans back in the bench.
6 MAN HEH…SAPS…



































PAGE 2

Panel 1
It should seem as though some time has passed. The man is sitting on the bench, leaned backwards. If it doesn’t seem as though any time has passed, that’s fine. It doesn’t matter much. He’s sitting near the exit door, which is to his right, when it suddenly opens.
SFX VVVMMMMM

Panel 2
He looks to his right and sees an older man walk out (RANDALL). He’s about the height of the man on the bench, and is wearing a black winter jacket, a grayish-brown hat, and thick work boots or snow boots. He also wears a patterned sweater, probably a reddish or brownish color. From now on we’ll call the younger man on the bench (WILLIE).
1 RANDALL HEY, WILLIE.
2 WILLIE HEY, RANDALL.

Panel 3
Basically the same shot as panels 1 and 2, except now WILLIE stands up and joins RANDALL. WILLIE does now move, but RANDALL walks forward a little out of the doorway. He reaches into his coat pocket.
3 RANDALL GOT MY SMOKES RIGHT HERE.
4 WILLIE CAN I GET SOME O’ THAT?

Panel 4
A crop shot of WILLIE and RANDALL from about the torso area of each up. RANDALL has pulled out a cigarette and is in the process of placing it in his mouth. With his free hand, he searches the other side of his coat pockets for a lighter. He smirks a little.
5 RANDALL SINCE WHEN DO YOU SMOKE?
6 WILLIE SINCE...WELL...NEVER...ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY IT, THOUGH.
7 RANDALL MAYBE. LEMME GET SET UP FIRST.

Panel 5
Same shot area, except RANDALL has the cigarette in his mouth and has a lighter in his hand which was not holding the cigarette earlier. He has a hand on the lighting mechanism.

Panel 6
Same shot, except now RANDALL lights the cigarette with the hand holding the lighter, and blocks in from view from WILLIE with his other hand. A little smoke is seen, and the lighter sends light across his hands and face.
8 RANDALL THERE SHE GOES.




PAGE 3

Panel 1
In this shot, RANDALL, to WILLIE’S left, hands the latter a cigarette. He has a lit cigarette in his mouth and is puffing away without removing it. Maybe a full-body shot in this panel.
1 WILLIE SO THIS WAS YOUR LAST DAY ON THE JOB?

Panel 2
WILLIE has the cigarette in hand, and waits for RANDALL to hand him the lighter. RANDALL passes it to him.
2 RANDALL YEP. I WAS GETTIN’ TOO OLD.
3 WILLIE YOU JOKER. YOU’RE STILL STRONG ENOUGH.
4 RANDALL HAH!

Panel 3
WILLIE holds the lighter to the cigarette, now in his mouth, as RANDALL speaks. Same layout as panels 1 and 3.
5 RANDALL THIRTY-THREE YEARS I’VE BEEN A GODDAMN P.I. IN THIS CITY.
6 RANDALL THIRTY-THREE YEARS ON THAT DAMN FORCE...

Panel 4
WILLIE is lit up and puffing away, also. In this shot, an emphasis is on RANDALL. He has removed the cigarette from his mouth and is blowing out smoke. Next to him, but farther away, WILLIE is puffing away on that smoke.
7 RANDALL ...THIRTY-THREE YEARS OF BULL****...
8 RANDALL ...THE SAME OLD BULL**** EVERY DAY...


















PAGE 4

Panel 1
WILLIE and RANDALL are standing next to each other, not facing one another. They’re smoking, and large puffs of smoke are being emitted from their mouths. Maybe a waist-up shot of the both of them.
1 WILLIE WELL, EVERYONE HATES THEIR JOB. YOU GOTTA LIVE WITH
IT SOMETIMES.
2 RANDALL HAH!
3 RANDALL THIS IS COMING FROM THE GUY WHO AIN’T NEVER WORKED
A DAY IN HIS LIFE!

Panel 2
WILLIE looks over at RANDALL. Same shot as before, except for WILLIE’S head turn.
4 WILLIE ASSHOLE.

Panel 3
RANDALL smiles as WILLIE turns his head back around, somewhat miffed.
5 RANDALL HEH-HEH-HEH!

Panel 4
WILLIE suddenly leans forward as he coughs. Maybe some spit should be expelled from his mouth. He holds his cigarette as he leans forward.
6 WILLIE *HACK!*
7 RANDALL YA AIN’T USED TO IT YET, ARE YA, SONNY BOY?
8 WILLIE SHUT UP...

Panel 5
RANDALL looks over as WILLIE collects himself. He’s smiling a little bit.
9 WILLIE DAMN, THAT SMARTS.
10 RANDALL I KNEW YA NEVER SMOKED BEFORE.
11 WILLIE **** YOU!














PAGE 5

Panel 1
A wide shot of the two standing by the exit door of the supermarket as an older woman walks through. She’s holding a plastic bag of groceries in each hand. WILLIE and RANDALL still stand there, smoking. Large puffs of smoke are still being blown into the air.
1 RANDALL STRONG WORDS. EVER SPEAK THAT WAY AROUND YER
FATHER?
2 WILLIE LEAVE MY DAD OUTTA THIS, OLD-TIMER.

Panel 2
Same shot, except now the old lady is closer to the viewer after walking a little bit. She seems unaffected by the dialogue.
3 RANDALL HE WAS MY FRIEND. I KNEW HIM LONGER THAN YOU EVER
DID, SONNY.
4 WILLIE F***
5 WILLIE YOU!

Panel 3
WILLIE looks miffed, RANDALL smirks, the same shot is used as before, except now the old lady’s face is right up towards the camera or viewer, and she looks surprised by the language.
6 WILLIE ASSHOLE.
7 RANDALL I LIKE YOU. YOU’RE A NICE KID.

Panel 4
The old lady is gone, and the same shot is basically used. WILLIE is more pissed now than miffed, and RANDALL is still smiling.
8 WILLIE I AIN’T NO KID! I’M OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE KIDS MYSELF.
9 RANDALL YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE THE BRAIN OF A KID.
10 WILLIE AND WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
11 WILLIE OLD-TIMERS...THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.

Panel 5
Basically the same shot, except now RANDALL’S cigarette is burned out, and he throws it on the ground.
12 RANDALL LET’S GO HOME.
13 WILLIE SURE.

[legend of 8]

Well, some of your descriptions are a little confusing, but I can imagine everything in my mind. That's good.

I can see how this would help you in your exercises, and certainly has some mystery to it, such as "what job are they talking about" and such.

It's good. Only thing is that it seems to take up more than you can convey in the panel, and you write it like a story.

Not that I'm complaining, merely stating the obvious (like I normally do).

If you want to do scripts, you might try condensing things a little more. But you do a good enough job with the writing part, so maybe you should try just pure stories sometime.

[Ian Miller]

Thanks for the kind words! Yeah, I write stories all the time, so maybe that's where the large descriptions came from. This is actually only the third script I've made, and the only one I appreciate, and I tried making up for the errors of my past scripts by using tons of extablishing in the panels and such so that it's easy to follow. I'm also using this as a vehicle to write about things I'm thinking or events which have occurred that I can write about, making it more realistic than just making everything up without basing anything on reality. Actually, the whole thing with Willie flipping off the little kid was something I was thinking about. I work at a supermarket, and during a break a little kid walking out of the store asked her mom if I was a boy or a girl, since I have long hair. I wondered what would happen if I were to perform that vulgar act of extending my middle finger, but decided against it, since it's a pretty rotten thing to do, so I wondered what would happen if a comic book character did that.

Sorry about that long speil...About the condensing of the panel descriptions, do you mean that there's too much writing and that I should keep it simple? I agree that they are very wordy, but I only did this to make it clear as to what has been in the panels before a given panel is read so that it is easier to understand. But I've been working on more of the script, and in the next 7 or 8 pages, a lot of the descriptions have been cut down, mainly because I ran out of things to say, but also because I realized that it was, in fact, getting too wordy.

[legend of 8]

Well, condense it to something like this:

[SCENE: In front of the grocery store, midafternoon. Mike and Robert are sitting on a bench by the doors, talking. Mike has a lit cigarette.]
ROBERT: Wassup?
MIKE: Not much.

You should have the character designs done beforehand, even if it's a mystery character. Just use a name like MYSTERY MAN 1 or something like that.

We really don't need to know exactly what time of day it is, unless it's essential to the plot, in which case you should put something in a caption box.

Other than being a tad over-descriptive, it's okay. Try to shorten things a little.

Overall, you did good.

[Ian Miller]

Cool, I'm glad you like it. I've been condensing the panel descriptions after this one, but I think my wordy nature has taken the better hand. I guess I have to work on being able to tell something in as little words as possible.

[banshee]

hi Universe! :) I will get to c&c your work soon, hv to work on the next part of the story round and Im kinda stuck. lol

but I will get to it!

[Ian Miller]

Cool, Banshee. Just take your time.

[banshee]

Ok... here I am :)

Legend and I disagree on the panel descriptions. Mind u, it depends on the artist, some artists like the depth which you describe the surroundings (But not so much ur characters? wld that be on a seperate sheet?), some dont. I think it's better to err on the side of excess in this case. It gives those reading it (or drawing it hehe) a better feel for how you pictured it urself.

Then again, you can summarise your descriptions better. For example, you could say it's dusk, winter etc. It doesnt hv to b full sentences, just a synopsis. Am I making sense? LOL

You also seem to be missing punctuation in certain places, not sure if that's deliberate. Perhaps reading it to yourself (The dialogue) would help in knowing where to use the comma etc.

BUT saying all this, it was a good read and I look fwd to seeing more!

onwards to the next c&c! (mannn I'm behind LOL)

[Ian Miller]

Cool, Banshee, thanks for the crits. I was kind of debating whether or not to use as much description as I did in this scene. I felt that I could never draw a comic like this, so I wrote it with the thought that if I ever did get serious with it, I would want someone else to draw it. I think the first issue I wrote had many establishing points which are important to the story, so I had to really pound it in to the script exactly what was in each important setting so that when another scene was brought there, I could just say "Open to a scene of the Superdupermarket," and hopefully they'd know what to draw there.

Am I missing punctuation marks? I'll have to read it over, but I know I probably did with Randall and Willie's uncultured accents, it may have been easy to miss some things. And I'm glad you liked it! This is really the first comic script I've written that I liked, and it really means a lot that you like it.