08-25-2003, 01:23 PM
Here you go I hope everyone likes. The story is told by the fat man, as he see someone from his favorite tv show in a bank. He then proceeds to be a " fan boy " and tell the guy what he remembers and likes.
All characters and story elements are copyrighted and trademarked to Sean McGurr.
08-26-2003, 02:19 AM
You've got some good, clean artwork, which is always a plus. You've also spotted blacks nicely around the page and have managed to keep the characters looking consistent from panel to panel. Good job there. On to the panel-by-panel crits:
Panel 1 - We need some stronger indication that this is the inside of a bank. If you hadn't said so in your message, I probably wouldn't have guessed. Looking closer, you've got some of the elements in place, the counter top with the little terminals and the "pens-on-chains", the tape for guiding the queue of people, the old lady putting something (cash?) away in her purse. But we need stronger indicators. Right now, it could be the ticketing counter of an airport or a government office of some kind. You may need a security guard, a couple of signs like "LOANS", "SAVINGS ACCOUNTS", etc or even a big honking "Central Bank" sign somewhere. Just to get the idea across. Don't leave your reader guessing for even a second about what's going on. The only other problem with this panel is that it's looking a little flat. You've got good foreground-middleground-background separations going, which do lend some depth to this shot. But try rendering some of the surroundings in perspective too. Things like lights in the ceiling or tiles on the floor.
Panel 2 - That's a good reaction shot as the balding guy tries to recall where he's seen the young man before. What's the balding guy holding in his hand? If it's important to the storytelling, you might want to make it clearer or more apparent.
Panel 3 - Another good reaction shot as the balding guy recognizes the young man. Why's the young guy gone cross-eyed all of a sudden? Rolling his eyes (both eyes up with a sardonic mouth expression) may work better if you're trying to portray the young guy being fed up with being recognized in public.
Panel 4 - This I found a bit confusing. Based on what you told us in your message, I assume here the balding fan is recalling the young man's roles on TV. The reaction from the fan is nicely done. However, the policeman and fireman are confusing me. Are they heroes on TV being played by the young man? The reason for my confusion is probably because the cop looks nothing like the young man and the fireman has his back to us so we can't see his face. So these look like completely new characters appearing out of nowhere. The curve of the balding fan's head on the far right of the page is forming a tangent with the shoulder of the young man in Panel 3. I'd suggest you flip this panel so that the fan is on the left of the shot and change the other characters so that they are portrayed more as sort of a vignette. Make it clear the fan is recalling something. Right now, this could read as if the cop and fireman are standing right there behind the fan. Also, make the cop and fireman look like the young man. Right now, there's no visual similarities between them at all.
Panel 5 - I have no idea what's going on here at all. You've done a nice job with the lighting, though.
On the whole, a good piece. Look forward to seeing more soon. :)
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