First 11 pages of a script I'm working on

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 1

Layout: The page is broken into 5 panels of even height stretching across the width of the page. There is a space between each panel. The panels are overlaying an hourglass that stretches the entire height of the page, so the space between panels must be big enough so that we can tell that the background has an hourglass upon it. The background color of the page is all white, like a void.


Panel 1:
Scene: The Milky Way Galaxy fills the panel

CAP 1: There are many theories about parallel universes, ALTERNATE DIMENSIONS of reality where the FAMILIAR becomes FOREIGN.


Panel 2:
Scene: Drawn as though a camera was passing high over the moon, the horizon of which is in the bottom left, heading towards the distant Earth, which is centered in the top of the panel.

CAP 1: These theories state that a twist in Cause HERE brings about a tug in Effect THERE. HISTORY is no longer our PAST.


Panel 3:
Scene: The camera is now descending down towards North America. There is thin cloud cover across the continent, between the camera and the ground. The continent appears normal except that the clouds over Washington DC are black and LA has become an island. Have Buffalo near the center of the panel.

CAP 1: What we consider to be FAMILIAR is TRANSFORMED. What we recognize as TRUTH and FACT becomes something ELSE.

CAP 2: Something NEW.

CAP 3: ALIEN.

Panel 4:
Scene: An average-looking man at night with his hand on the alley door of a downtown warehouse. Use an overhead view as though the camera had zoomed in from panel 3 to this view. Keep the distance far enough back so that we can see other people walking down the ordinary street off of this alley in Buffalo, but close enough that we can tell the man is the center of attention. A light above the door (and him) casts a light on his face and upper body.

CAP 1: We are DECEIVED by our own HOPES …

CAP 2: … Our desire to BELIEVE that everything is RIGHT with the world we KNOW.

Panel 5:
Scene: A close up of an atom with the field behind it comprised of a field of light with color near the edges working towards white in the middle, around the atom, almost as though it was a snap shot at the instant of an atomic explosion.

CAP 1: But we can only deny what our senses tell us for so long.

CAP 2: This is a WORLD NOT KNOWN.

http://www.trustrum.com/img/page1.gif

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

Panel 1:
Scene: This fills up the entire picture into the bleeds. The camera is looking straight up as TAMER 007 smashes through the glass skylight of the warehouse. His arms are crossed in front of him, entirely covering his helmeted face. The cord attached to his belt can be seen trailing behind him, up to the silhouette of the helicopter hovering above, slightly on an angle running left to right.

CAP 1: The World Not Known

CAP 2: BUFFALO, July 23, 2003. 2:36 am

(Burst): SANTA, what’s the GIFT’S status?

(Burst Helicopter): The GIFT is out the sleigh and on its way down the chimney. OUT.

Panel 2:
Scene: Show two separate groups of 3 thugs apiece close to a wall looking up as glass rains down around them.
In the first group (Thug 1) is the guy from Panel 4 of PAGE 1 (he’s covering his head from the glass), another (Thug 2) is a large, green muscular guy who towers above the others, and another (Thug 3) is a small guy with HUGE, bushy sideburns and is so short that he barely comes up on the bottom of the panel. The first two guys (not the one with busy sideburns) each have powerful-looking, high-tech rifles slung on their backs. The guy with sideburns is unarmed.
In the second group (Thug 4; the tallest and looks sort of dumb) is staring upwards, dumbfounded, while the other two cover their heads. Of the other two, one (Thug 5) is blue and has small, fine scales, and the other (Thug 6) has horns and almond-shaped eyes that glow a soft red. Thug 4 and Thug 5 will have high-tech, powerful-looking guns slung across their backs, while Thug 6 has a similar-looking pistol is in a holster on under his arm pit.
The two groups should be far enough apart that when the gunfight starts later on their weapons fire shall converge on TAMER 007 and not just all come at him from a single direction.

Panel 3:
Scene: The armored form from Panel 1 is hunched down on one knee, bending forward towards the right from just landing, leaning forward with his weight on his fingertips to indicate he landed to absorb the shock of jumping from so high. His head is bowed down and concealed in the shadow of the overhead light. Glass litters the floor with a few shards still falling.

Panel 4:
Scene: Close up of the armored form as his head snaps up. His helmet is high-tech. The right eye is a servo-adjusting monocle and the left eye is shaped to look menacing. Both eyes have the soft green glow of nightvision. The background should convey the suddenness and sharpness of the head whipping up and into place.

EDIT: This is the second version of this page.

I've removed the layout because i cut so many panels from the original. I'm thinking panel 1 should be a large chunk of the page, with panel two being thin and full width, and panel 3 and 4 taking up the rest of the page at half-width each.

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 3

Panel 1:
Scene: Zoom back on essentially the same scene as Panel 5 of PAGE 2. The difference is that the 3 thugs are now staring at 007. Their faces show dumbfounded shock. It is the moment of calm before the storm. Thug 6 is in the midst of drawing his pistol. Thug 4 and Thug 5 will have unslung their rifles but they are kind of drooping down with their disbelief.


Panel 2:
Scene: Full body frontal of 007 standing in a wide-legged ready stance. His arms are stretching down and out, palms up. The pose suggest calm, unworried readiness.

DIA (from direction of Panel 1): A TAMER? Boy, you GOTTA have TITANIUM balls under that armor to drop in HERE unarmed and alone.


Panel 3:
Scene: Show small pistol ejecting from hidden port in bottom of forearm down into 007’s left hand.


Panel 4:
Scene: Show small pistol ejecting from hidden port in bottom of forearm down into 007’s right hand. Should CLOSELY resemble Panel 3.


Panel 5:
Scene: This panel should be of the same angle and background as Panel 2, except 007 is now crouched back on his haunches, as though ready to spring, with this arms crossed upon his chest. The guns frame his head, but seem small and unthreatening when compared to the rest of him. They should almost seem out of place. He should look like a predator about to attack.


Panel 6:
Scene: This panel should look much like Panel 4 from Page 2. The rifles are now leveled forwards, as though aiming at 007, off-panel. Thug 3 has both arms leveled forward with a soft “pre-firing” glow around them. All Thugs look amused at the thought of 007 threatening them with such small weapons


Panel 7:
Scene: This is the same shot as Panel 1 except the guns are now leveled forwards, as though aiming at 007, off-panel. Thug 6 is speaking, his mannerisms and pose indicate that he feels unthreatened, perhaps sarcastically bored; the other two are grinning or otherwise looking amused, as per the thugs of Panel 6.

DIA 1 (Thug 6): And what do you EXPECT to DO with THOSE?

DIA 2 (Thug 6): Gonna TICKLE us to death?

DIA 3 (Thug 6): Will someone PLEASE waste this ASSHOLE already?
http://www.trustrum.com/img/page3.gif

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 4

Panel 1:
Scene: 007 is leaping high, his back arced upwards with feet and head pointing down (kind of like a diver at the peak of a “jackknife,” just after leaving the diving board. His arms are outstretched to either side. Show the gunfire, and the energy from the Thug 3’s hands, flying underneath him, aimed at where he used to be, criss-crossing from both group of thugs’ positions (they should be ahead and two the side of him, like 007 was at the point of a “V” formed by their relative positions to each other.) This needs to communicate the surprising suddenness and agility of 007’s leap, but his posture should seem like it was almost casually performed on his part.


Panel 2:
Scene: Camera is beneath 007 as he leaps forward, overhead. His arms are outstretched ahead, at angles, as he fires at both groups of thugs. I think some hard lighting casting down in the rafters of the warehouse, above, mixed with some deep shadows between the lights would make 007 more dangerous looking.


Panel 3:
Scene: Show 007 in crouched position from behind, landing his jump. He should look like he did in Panel 5 of Page 4, except this is from behind and the guns framing his head are smoking slightly. The camera is on the floor and behind him enough that the trail of smoking gun cartridges (running off panel) on the floor between wear he started and where he landed can be seen. The bodies of both groups of thugs can be seen in the distance, slumped to the floor with blood on the walls. Thug 6 should is holdings his leg, obviously in much pain. Each group of thugs should be against a different wall, which meet on panel. The blood and holes in the wall from where they were shot should be noticeably large for such small pistols, yet not TOO big.


Panel 4:
Scene: Nothing but 007’s right hand firing his gun towards the right side of the panel. It should communicate excitement and action!


Panel 5:
Scene: Same as panel 4 except it is the left hand and the gun is firing towards the left side of the panel.


Panel 6:
Scene: Thug 1 taking a shot to the forehead. All shots should look like they’re making a little impact going in but a significantly larger force coming out.


Panel 7:
Scene: Thug 4 takes a shot cleanly through the throat.


Panel 8:
Scene: Thug 2 takes a dead-on shot through the eye closest to the foreground and another through the forehead soon after the first shot.


Panel 9:
Scene: Thug 5 takes a double-tap to the forehead.


Panel 10:
Scene: Thug 3 takes two shots to the heart as his power fizzles out with his death.


Panel 11:
Scene: Thug 6 is shot cleanly through the hand, forcing him to drop his gun, and takes another shot soon after in the knee.
http://www.trustrum.com/img/page4.gif

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 5

Panel 1:
Scene: Silhouette of someone on a rooftop, using the roof’s raised ledge as cover, looking down upon a scene below with binoculars that glow with the soft green of nightvision. Put something distinctive beside the figure, perhaps a rickety chimney rising from below along the roof’s edge. The figure is obviously trying to remain unseen, but have enough light just edging on to it to give an enticing hint of detail, without actually showing anything (the light source being lights from the alley below.)


Panel 2:
Scene: Colored as though looking through green nightvision binoculars, revealing 007. The binoculars are looking down through the broken skylight of the warehouse (the one he crashed down through.)


Panel 3:
Scene: 007’s head, staring forward, in the foreground with the shot aiming over his right shoulder. In the background the door shown in Panel 4 of Page 1 is bursting inwards as a Marack (grizzled police detective, trenchcoat and all), bursts in with pistol at the ready. Behind him can be seen a stream of SWAT officers packed up, waiting urgently to barge in after him.

DIA 1 (007; Burst): Didn’t anyone ever tell you that it’s not the SIZE that matters, but how you USE it that counts?

DIA 2 (Marack): FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!

DIA 3 (OO7; Burst): Typical cop timing …


Panel 4:
Scene: SWAT begins moving around, checking out the bodies and wrapping up Thug 6 to be taken into custody. Marack is holstering his Glock pistol while moving into the front of the shot. 007 is moving towards him – the shot is of his back but his head is turned to talk with Marack. 007’s body language should show him as taking the whole thing in stride while Marack is obviously annoyed. Have 007 casually returning one of his pistols to its concealed sheath in his armor’s forearm.

DIA (007; Burst): So GOOD of you to make it, DETECTIVE. As you can see, the party is already winding down.

DIA (Marack): Figures. I should have known to find a TAMER here when all the gunfire started.

DIA (007; Burst): No need to WHINE, Detective, I left one alive for you. Of course, I’ll be there when you interrogate him.


Panel 5:
Scene: 007 walking outside, down the alley. The broken down door to the warehouse is to the right of the panel with the detective standing in it, light streaming out. The perch for the figure from Panel 1 can be seen high on the panel’s left, across from the doorway. The figure from Panel 1 can still be seen. The helicopter from which 007 jumped can be seen flying from background into foreground, nose up as it comes in to land.

DIA 1 (Marack): I can’t wait.

DIA 2 (Marack; thought): Whoever came up with the idea of GENE-QUEERS policing their own needs a GLOCK ENIMA.


Panel 6:
Scene: 007 with one foot up on the doorway into the helicopter, ready to board, He is looking back over his shoulder towards Panel 7.


Panel 7:
Scene: Show the scene from Panel 1 except that the angle is shifted to accomodate 007’s viewpoint in Panel 6. The silhouette that had been spying from the roof is gone.


Panel 8:
Scene: Low shot, as if the camera is sitting on the ground in the alley, looking up as the helicopter flies off into the night. A partial leg and foot is coming in from the side of the panel, indicating someone watching the helicopter disappear.

CAP: 2:43 am
http://www.trustrum.com/img/page5.gif

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 6 (SPLASH PAGE)

Panel 1:
Scene: Full page. Drawn as though looking through the eyes of someone sitting at the end of a table in a “worn-looking” police station interrogation room. Standing at the other end of the table, facing towards the reader’s “eyes,” is Detective Marack, his hands cupped as he lights ANOTHER cigarette. Give indicators in Marack’s look and by what’s on the table (overflowing ash tray, Styrofoam coffee cups, etc.) that they’ve been going at this a while. Marack appears as though he’s still playing it cool and casual, and hasn’t resorted to being aggressive. There is a door to the right of the panel, in the wall to Marack’s left, and a worn chair against the wall, under the mirror, to Marack’s right (near the panel’s left edge.) Thug 6’s dialogue is all off-panel.
All non- Marack dialogue is from off-panel.

CAP 1: The next day, 9: 52 am.

CAP 2: Buffalo City Police Precinct House.

CAP 3: Interrogation Room B.

DIA 1 (Marack): So, let me go over this again, just to make sure I’ve got it all. You, JEREMIAH WARRALL, don’t know WHO those other guys with all the hardware were, you don’t know WHY a TAMER was interested in them, and you were only there to pick up a package when all hell broke loose.

DIA 2 (Marack): And you’re SURE that’s the story you want to stick with?

DIA 3 (Thug 6): That’s right. Now where’s my ****IN’ lawyer?

DIA 4 (Marack): Didn’t you notice how nobody read you your rights when you were brought in?

Dia 5 (Thug 6): Yes, but …

DIA 6 (Marack): Shit, I figured ALL you GENE-QUEERS knew about this sorta thing, inside and out, “just in case.”

Dia 7 (Thug 6): What do you …
http://www.trustrum.com/img/page6.gif

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 7
Panel 1:
Scene: Wide shot of interrogation room. Marack on the left, Thug 6 on the right. Table in between. We now see a clean-cut, poster boy uniform cop standing behind the table, arms crossed, between Marack and Thug 6; he’s standing closer to Thug 6, in case the latter tries anything. Marack seems casual, as though just reading off a grocery list.

DIA 1 (Marack): Let me explain it for you, shall I? You’re being charged with SECTION 7.08b, “Registered mutant in possession of an unlicensed weapon.”

DIA 2 (Thug 6): But …

DIA 3 (Marack): SECTION 7.08d, “Illegal possession of military-class, restricted weaponry.”

DIA 4 (Thug 6): But …


Panel 2:
Scene: Show Thug 6 from the waste up. His body language and face shows that he’s not intimidated, just anxious to get a chance to finish a sentence. Marack’s dialogue is all off-panel.

DIA 1 (Marack): SECTION 10.01a, “Being a REGISTERED mutant congregating with UNREGISTERED mutants.”

DIA 2 (Thug 6): I wasn’t …


Panel 3:
Scene: From behind the one-way mirror, 007 from the waist up. This room is dark, lit only by the light coming through the mirror. He is still in his armor and is watching what’s going on in the interrogation room, arms akimbo. A door is seen in the background and through the mirror the door to the interrogation room can also be seen.

DIA 1 (Marack): SECTION 10.01g, “Being a REGISTERED mutant congregating with convicted FELONS.” Known members of *MERM, no less.

DIA 2 (Thug 6): How was I to know …

CAP: *Movement for the Equal Rights of Mutants


Panel 4:
Scene: Marack suddenly leans forward over the table and thrusts his hand towards Thug 6, the cigarette between his smoking fingers. This is where he suddenly switches from playing the role of the casual cop to “pissed off, tell me what I want to know” cop. Thug 6 speaks from off-panel. The room around Marack extends under the other panels

DIA 1 (Marack): And what all THAT means is, according to AMENDMENT XI of the CONSTITUTION OF THE NORTHERN STATES OF AMERICA, is that your protected right to see a lawyer no longer applies.

DIA 2 (Marack): You’re on your own, freak.

DIA 3 (Marack): Just YOU.

DIA 4 (Marack): And ME.
http://www.trustrum.com/img/page7.gif

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 8
Panel 1:
Scene: Side shot of the door behind Marack. 007 opens it and is entering. Marack is still bending forward at the panel’s right edge. 007 is looking to the panel’s right edge, towards Thug 6.


Panel 2:
Scene: Shot from the perspective of Thug 6, down the table’s length. 007 is pulling up the chair to the table, obviously getting ready to sit, while the other hand pours a bunch of paper clips onto the table.

DIA 1 (Marack): What the hell do you think you’re doing? This is MY prisoner! MY interrogation!

DIA 2 (007; Burst): Come now, DETECTIVE, you know full well that the TAMER CORPS has full authority AND jurisdiction when it comes to cases involving metahumans.


Panel 3:
Scene: Thug 6 sitting at the end of the table, looking a bit more worried now. 007’s dialogue is off-panel.

DIA (007; Burst): That makes this MY prisoner.


Panel 4:
Scene: close up of the table in front of 007. The pile of paperclips is in the background. In the foreground are a few paper clips that have been lined up, lengthwise, between the left and right edges of the panel. 007’s right hand is shown, sliding another paperclip from the pile to put it in line with the others.

DIA (007; Burst): MY interrogation.
http://www.trustrum.com/img/page8.gif

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 9
Panel 1:
Scene: Close shot of 007 from the perspective of Thug 6, showing the left-most paperclip rising from the table on its own. 007 has both hands on the table and is facing towards Thug 6

DIA (007; Burst): It also gives me the RIGHT to do what I NEED to see the job done PROPERLY.


Panel 2:
Scene: Side shot of Thug 6, who sits to the panel’s right, facing left. The paperclip flies across the table in a quick, straight line, hitting Thug 6 in the shoulder and bouncing off. The impact should actually make him wince in pain and show surprise that a paperclip could hurt. Maybe have the shoulder that is hit get pushed back a bit. 007’s dialogue is off-panel.

DIA (007; Burst): You know it, DETECTIVE.


Panel 3:
Scene: Basically the same as Panel 6 except a zooming paperclip hits Thug 6 in the forehead, slamming his head right back with surprising force. This time he can’t help but exclaim with pain.

DIA 1 (Thug 6): Ugh!

DIA 2 (007; Bust): And now so does HE.


Panel 4:
Scene: Extreme close-up of another paperclip floating in mid air.


Panel 5:
Scene: Same as Panel 9, except that the paperclip is half-unfolded, moved by some unseen power.


Panel 6:
Scene: Same as Panel 9, except the paperclip is now entirely unfolded and is a straight (more or less) length of wire.


Panel 7:
Scene: Note no background for this panel. An extreme close-up of Thug 6’s face. It should be very tight on the eye, with enough of the face showing so that we can see his sideburns and know that it is him, as well as the blood running down his forehead from where the paperclip hit, but the eye is the main point because the paperclip that was unfolding in the previous panels is now floating a VERY short distance away from his eyes, quivering as though it were ready to thrust forward into the eye. Sweat running down Thug 6’s face would also probably be good. 007’s dialogue is off-panel.

DIA (007; Bust): Don’t you, JEREMIAH?

DIA 2 (007; Bust): I’ll let you get back to YOUR interrogation, DETECTIVE. I don’t think you’ll have any problems now.

DIA 3 (007; Bust): If you should need me again, however, I’ll be nearby.

DIA 4 (Marack): I don’t think that’ll be necessary.
http://www.trustrum.com/img/page9.gif

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 10

Panel 1:
Scene: Pretty much the same as Panel 3 of Page 7. 007 has his hands on either side of his head and has just begun taking his helmet off. Air should be hissing out from around his neck as though his armor is depressurizing. All dialogue is from off-panel.

DIA 1 (Marack): Now, JEREMIAH, I suggest you tell me ALL that you know unless you want to talk to that TAMER again.

DIA 2 (Thug 6): …

DIA 2 (Thug 6): Okay, just keep that PSYCHO traitor the hell away from me.


Panel 2:
Scene: Front close-up of 007’s face. We should be able to see the 007 of his armor so that we know it’s him. There should be a drop of blood in one of his nostrils as though a nosebleed is just beginning. All dialogue is off-panel.

DIA 1 (Marack): Done. Now, let’s start with the basics. What were you doing there?

DIA 2 (Thug 6): Waiting for a delivery.

DIA 3 (Marack): When was it supposed to arrive?

DIA 4 (Thug 6): I don’t know exactly.

DIA 5 (Marack): BULLSHIT.

DIA 6 (Thug 6): No, I’m tellin’ the truth, man. We weren’t given details, just told to wait and that it would be coming anytime this week.

DIA 7 (Marack): Why wasn’t your employer more specific?

DIA 8 (Thug 6): Likely in case I found myself sitting HERE with someone like YOU.


Panel 3:
Scene: Extreme close-up of 007’s nose and we see that the first drop of blood is now a trail dripping from his other lip while another drop is just beginning to show from his other nostril. All dialogue is off-panel.

DIA 1 (Marack): Okay. But that brings us to WHO you were working for and WHAT was being delivered.

DIA 2 (Thug 6): I don’t know that either.

DIA 3 (Marack): …

DIA 4 (Thug 6): No, really, I DON’T know. We were given half our fees up front and told to wait for a package.

DIA 5 (Marack): What were you supposed to do with it once it came?

DIA 6 (Thug 6): Make sure it got where it was going.

DIA 7 (Marack): And where was that?


Panel 4:
Scene: A palatial sitting room with a glass wall in the background, looking out onto an obviously expensive and extensive garden. A Mafioso-looking muscle thug (Mafia 1 to the left and Mafia 2 to the right) stands to either side of the panel, by the glass wall. The overall feeling of the setting should be one of the comfort that only the wealthy can buy. Facing each other across the width of the panel are seated Mr. Jarrol to the panel’s left (a hawkish man in his early 60’s, wearing fine clothing – something like a silk smoking jacket; give the appearance of arrogant refinement and wealth) and David to the right (a mutant who looks like an unassuming human except that he has some small features that obviously set him apart – perhaps a raised brow, pointy ears, slightly red hued skin, etc.) Jarrol seems laid-back and a picture of calm while David is obviously nervous and tense. Jarrol is removing a fresh cigar from a box of cigars that he’s obviously taken from the long table between he and David.

CAP: Elsewhere, another interrogation is underway.

DIA 1 (Jarrol): I understand, David. These things happen.

DIA 2 (Jarrol): There’s no way you could have known that a TAMER had caught on to our Buffalo operation.
http://www.trustrum.com/img/page10.gif

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Copyright (C) 2003 Steven Trustrum

PAGE 11
Panel 1:
Scene: Close-up on David, as though through the eyes of Mr. Jarrol looking across the room at David. Show Mafia 2 in the background to the panel’s left. David still looks worried and nervous. Mr. Jarrol is speaking off-panel.

DIA 1 (Jarrol): You can, of course, understand my DISAPPOINTMENT, though, can you not, David?

DIA 2 (David): Yes, sir. I’m sorry for what happened.

DIA 3 (Jarrol): The past is the past, David. “ALWAYS LOOK TO THE FUTURE” is the creed that got me where I am in life.


Panel 2:
Scene: Same as Panel 1 and David still looks nervous, but less so. Mafia 2 is now facing towards the foreground and has moved closer to David, who remains oblivious to Mafia 2’s approach. Jarrol is speaking off-panel.

DIA 1 (David): That’s very kind of you, sir.

DIA 2 (Jarrol): Tut tut, think no more of it. It’s not your fault if the people you selected to safeguard the drop-off weren’t up to the task.

DIA 3 (Jarrol): We’ll just have to find a new task for you to undertake for me, wont’ we David?


Panel 3:
Scene: Same as Panel 2 except David is now obviously relieved. Mafia 2 is now directly behind him. All that should be seen is his massive chest and arms, the rest hidden behind David with his head rising off the panel. His hands are reaching up behind David to either side of his head in preparation for grabbing his head. Jarrol is speaking off-panel.

DIA 1 (David): Thank God … er, that is to say, I appreciate the second chance, sir.

DIA 2 (Jarrol): Did you expect me to do something drastic because of your failure, David? We’re not BARBARIANS, dear boy.

DIA 3 (David): Yes, I mean NO, of course not sir. It’s just that I thought …

DIA 4 (Jarrol): Tut, nothing to worry about, lad. Now let us see about getting you started on your new duties, shall we?

DIA 5 (David): Thank you, sir. What do you want me to do?


Panel 4:
Scene: Extreme close-up of David’s head as Mafia 2’s hands grab it and snap his neck sharply, catching David entirely by surprise. David is facing towards the center of the page. Jarrol is speaking off-panel.

DIA (Jarrol): Help fertilize my gardens.


Panel 5:
Scene: Extreme close-up of Jarrol’s head, facing towards Panel 4. He is nonchalantly leaning forward to light the cigar in his mouth. Mafia 2 is speaking off-panel.

DIA 1 (Jarrol): Thank you, George.

DIA 2 (Mafia 2): No problem, sir.

DIA 3 (Mafia 3): The body?

DIA 4 (Jarrol): The eastern roses seem to be drooping a tad. Why don’t you see if our dear friend David can’t do something to improve the situation, hmm?

DIA 5 (Mafia 2): Yes sir. I’ll get a shovel and see to it myself.
http://www.trustrum.com/img/page11.gif

[banshee]

first up, welcome Steve to thewriters desk and PJ!!! :)

Id like to suggest you post your 11 pages into one big post. it makes it a wee bit easier for me to take a peek at it LOL

buuuuuuuut saying that, glad to see you posting! :D

It's gng to take me a wee while to go thru everything so if u dont mind, I'd like to c&p your pages to a word document and hv a looksee over the next few days. Unless you have it on a website already handy??

so bear wt me k? I will get to the c&cs

later days
B

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Originally posted by banshee
first up, welcome Steve to thewriters desk and PJ!!! :)

Id like to suggest you post your 11 pages into one big post. it makes it a wee bit easier for me to take a peek at it LOL

buuuuuuuut saying that, glad to see you posting! :D

It's gng to take me a wee while to go thru everything so if u dont mind, I'd like to c&p your pages to a word document and hv a looksee over the next few days. Unless you have it on a website already handy??

so bear wt me k? I will get to the c&cs

later days
B
I don't have it on a web site, but I can email you a pdf if you like. This is my first comic script since my high school days so I welcome any feedback.

It's the beginning of a project I want to refine and try and get off the ground to pitch to a house such as Image in between my rpg work.

[banshee]

no worries. hmmm... I suggest you PM Vendetta (he's the moderator) to ask him to remove your other posts. You can edit your first post to incorporate all the pages into one big post. Then it's a nice clean start for ya! :)

what ya reckon?

later days
B

[banshee]

another suggestion cld be to just post the script (into one big post) and leave out your thumbnails. Ven mentioned to me that you are only allowed three (3) images per post.

but I plod on! :D will c&c soon!

later days
lia etc

[theory9]

I think you've got the beginnings of something very good here, but a few basic things jump out at me:
[list=1]
The pages have a lot of panels for what you're asking an artist to do. The action scenes, the logistics and whatnot demand more space than how they've been described. The way I would describe the pages is claustrophobic. Opening with a fight scene isn't always the best thing to do. The first page doesn't lead into this scene at all, as I read it. The first five pages told me nothing about the book, and didn't seem to relate to the opening sequence.
The story really picks up at the police station. You could probably cut out the fight scene and lead in with this; the shot of the Tamer behind the one-way mirror could effectively convey his position of authority in the story. You could also use the code violation dialogue as a type of "voiceover" during the fight scene...possibly. Try naming all of your characters. It was a real fight (one I think I lost) to keep up with who was who. The story continues at a good clip after the interrogation. I see a later fight scene with Tamer and whoever serving the same purpose as it would early on--showing the (presumably) main character flexing his muscles.
[/list=1]

I think tweaking the script a bit will make things much better. Good luck, whatever you decide.

[banshee]

I agree with Theory9 that there's a lot of detail for an artist to work wt. I had the same problem when I first started writing scripts (having been used to prose previously).

I suggest perhaps some research materials, mwhite has got some great links earlier in the forum. Check em out! Mite help.

Actually theory 9 covered most of what I would have said so I wont really repeat what he's said.

Good story and I look fwd to the "tweaked" version or other work from yourself.

good job! I liked it :D

later days
B

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. The reason for the fight scene will become evident later in the book (I've only had a chance to write the first 11 pages right now due to other writing commitments, but things will tie in. No, really, they will. Honest.) Similarly, the first page is meant to present a lead-in to the setting that will begin to be defined on page 12 during some contemplative asides and the like.

Hmmmmm, I do see what you're saying about it being too cramped, though. I might add another page just to stretch it out or, more likely, just leave out some of the middle framing sequences. Also, good point with the naming of every character.

My plan is to try and tie this in with a superhero role-playing game setting I'm writing to pitch (how's that for cross-market planning, eh? ;) )

[banshee]

cool beans, Steve. sounds like a plan :)

although you may know there's a reason for the fight later on, but your reader doesnt, so there has to be a connection somemore and the first few scenes shld "lead" into what's coming later. Doesnt mean it's going to be given away but have to give em a taste of what's to come.

one of my boys is screaming..bbl

later days
B

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Originally posted by banshee
cool beans, Steve. sounds like a plan :)

although you may know there's a reason for the fight later on, but your reader doesnt, so there has to be a connection somemore and the first few scenes shld "lead" into what's coming later. Doesnt mean it's going to be given away but have to give em a taste of what's to come.

Well, what shall be revealed in the pages to come (when I get the time to write them ... sigh) is that similar raids were conducted all over the city at the same time, all of which turned up mutants similarly waiting for packages. The reasons why this raid was actually portraid are two-fold: to give an idea of what the TAMERS are capable of and to introduce TAMER 007 as an important character. I want to create a sense of just how dangerous the raids were, thus necessitating the TAMERS (who shall also be explained in the asides that further define the setting.)

Also, while thinking out the plot I thought it would be anti-climactic just to mention that the raids happened without giving the reader a taste of what they entailed. For an established comic and setting such a thing would work, but not for something so fresh.

Sound good or do you have any suggestions that might get the same result only in a better way?

[theory9]

One thing you could do is to set up a clearly lopsided situation and then cutting directly to the outcome: TAMER 007 is surrounded by six, tough-looking augmented thugs only to be easily handled. It'll make the subsequent fight scenes more interesting because the reader won't exactly how things could/should go. If my memory hasn't totally deteriorated, that's how some of the early Wolverine fight scenes were done in X-Men, and still used somewhat today.

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Originally posted by theory9
One thing you could do is to set up a clearly lopsided situation and then cutting directly to the outcome: TAMER 007 is surrounded by six, tough-looking augmented thugs only to be easily handled. It'll make the subsequent fight scenes more interesting because the reader won't exactly how things could/should go. If my memory hasn't totally deteriorated, that's how some of the early Wolverine fight scenes were done in X-Men, and still used somewhat today.
I see where you're going based on me having only shown 11 pages thus far, but the lead-in (I believe) will really enhance the atmosphere that I want to surround the TAMERs organization. I know what you mean about the use of "cut to fight" effect with regards to Wolverine, but I think that only works because he is such a comic staple that the writers can easily assume that the reader already knows who he is and how much ass he can kick. I don't know if I can safely make the same jump with a new comic with a new character.

I do, however, NEED to unclutter the fight scene, while still keeping it compressed enough to maintain the frantic feeling that I was shooting for. Any suggestions?

[theory9]

Let's see here:

Page 2:
(Keepers in italics, throwaways in bold)

Panel 1 is fine. You could "skip" into the action by showing bullets or something whizzing past him (this whole sentence was written as an excuse to use the word 'whiz'). The helicopter can also be shown in this panel.

Panel 2 is unneccesary. It serves no discernable purpose.


Panel 3 can be cropped/condensed to show the pilot if need be. This panel probably isn't essential either.

Panel 4 would make a good focus panel for the page, as it sets up the impending action.

Panel 5 could probably be combined with panel 4, unless this group of villains' location is important enough to warrant a seperate panel.

Panel 6 should stay. I like this panel.

Panel 7 isn't needed, except as a small inset panel. TAMER'S head could be looking down on panel 6, then show him looking up in this panel.

I think this page would be fine with no more than four panels. You could even get three really good panels and start a great action scene. It might go something like this:



Panel 1--From the POV of the thugs but with the camera a little closer, TAMER 7 crashes through the skylight of a generic warehouse, arms folded in front of his masked/helmeted face as bullets whiz by him. A metal cable connected to a hovering helicopter in the BG bunches up around him, perhaps a la McFarlane's "Spidey ropes". A full moon shines in the far BG.

Panel 2--Six THUGS fire a variety of weapons at the off-panel TAMER 7; this should be among the largest panels on the page. Glass rains down around them, and TAMER'S shadow (from the moon behind him) is clearly visible.

Panel 3--TAMER 7 lands in the center of the THUGS, body low as he absorbs the shock of the jump. The camera angle should be very low, showing the THUG'S feet and lower legs only; it should look like someone took a picture of TAMER while laying on their stomach. Note that TAMER is looking down in this panel.

Panel 4--Smaller, inset panel of TAMER 7 looking up from his position. Depending on how the mask/helmet is constructed, it might be possible to show him smiling (with his eyes, of course). TAMER enjoys this part of his job the most.

Something like that, anyhow. Hope this helps.

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Originally posted by theory9
Something like that, anyhow. Hope this helps.
Let me bounce it around on the page and I'll post the results.

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

Okay, I've revised page 2 of the comic (on page 1 of this thread.) I took some of your suggestions, theory9, but didn't have the THGUS firing on TAMER 007 as he jumps through the glass because I want it to be clear that he catches them unawares, and having them shoot at him in panel 1 of that page would imply they were expecting someone to come through that entry point.

[theory9]

I think it's a much smoother page. What do you think about it?

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

I think that it still conveys what I wanted it to but cuts out the unneccesary steps you pointed out. Much thanks!

[zanSeattle]

I was immediately prompted to make one general suggestion: show me more!

The two most important people who will read a script are an editor and the artist who's going to draw from it, and in both cases, what they want is to have a good enough mental picture of the scenes to know how it will look.

On the first page, you were pretty clear about what we were seeing, and even with the weighty captions, I got a good idea of the tone, the scale of the story, and had a guess as to where we were going.

Once the fight scene started, there was a bit more shorthand, and it got harder to "see" what was happpening. (Also, it was a pretty frantic scene, as you mentioned in follow-ups.)

Try opening every scene that takes place in a new location with a compelling description, to give the reader a sense of place. Instead of just saying "warehouse" and "thugs"... really describe what we see.

What does it look like they store there? Furniture? Books? Weapons? Is it packed full or nearly empty? Are there big crates or are items unpacked? Are the doors stout and solid or flimsy? Is it clean? Does it look like it's a high-traffic area or is there a lot of dust? If we can't see a lot of these things, are they obscured? Are there shadows everywhere? Is it lit from above? From the walls?

The thugs: you described one of them on page 1 as "average", but on the next page, he's a "thug". If we're seeing him for the first time, and we should know that he's sneaking into this building and up to no good, give us the clues that let us know. Show that he's armed. Maybe he's gloved, wearing a dark wool cap and wearing dark colors, looking to make sure he's not being watched as he goes in.

I liked that you described the different attributes of the different thugs, to try and differentiate them, but I was also interested in what they were wearing, what ethnicity they were, whether they looked professional or amateur...

Yes, they're thugs and they're expendable, but if we're too sure of that, there's no tension. They have no names and little description; we know they're cannon fodder.

But the description is scarce even for what seems like the main character, the TAMER... what colors is he wearing? Is his helmet rounded or sharp-edged? Does his helmet show his face? Is his uniform sleek or is it bulky and protective? High- or low-tech? By the time we got to the interrogation scene, I still didn't know any of these things, and went back to check earlier pages for those details.

When you said about one of the panels that was just his hand and gun, firing: "it should communicate excitement and action!" I immediately wanted to know how. Does the gun have an obviously strong recoil? Does it eject casings? Is his hand gripping it extremely tightly? Is he firing multiple times in the panel?

Mind you, you don't need to knock yourself out and describe every little thing in equal detail, but you'd be surprised how much easier your story is to tell when you focus on detail. When writers talk about stories "telling themselves", that's what they mean; something in the details of one character conflicts with those of another character... soon you've got subplots, sequels, organic growth.

Especially when we're being introduced to new locations and new characters, we'll be a lot more interested in what happens next if we can picture them clearly. And you always want the reader wanting to know what happens next!

(Also, you definitely want to run a spell check on your scripts and try to eliminate errors like "waste" instead of "waist" and "ENIMA" instead of "ENEMA", punctuation problems... Errors like that distract the reader and look unprofessional, and you want as few strikes against you as possible, even if they're minor.)

[banshee]

welcome to thewritersdesk and PJ, zanseattle!!!!

:D

later days

[Steve Conan Trustrum]

zanSeattle, I can see where you're coming from with the descriptions, I just want to make sure I'm not going to bombard the script with descriptions that could better fit into a concept synopsis, so I guess I'll have to work on refining the balance between the two.

As for the spelling errors, keep in mind this is just the rough draft because I wanted initial feedback on the overall effect, so I've not yet had the chance to edit out the brain damage's foot prints. Thanks for when I do the edit, though!