A Vamps Rage!!!!

[caanan02]

Hey yall. it's been a minute since I've posted anything, so here it is. Still hackin away at the sequentals. This was for another forum. It had dialogue on the other, but I didn't do it on this one. Anyway, here it is. Enjoy

and be blessed.
c02
http://images.deviantart.com/i/5/d/5/A_mans_fury.jpg

[xadrian]

Nothing to say.

I think my favorite panel is the last one, for some reason. The trees almost glow from the moonlight.

Nipple?

[tWISTEd sPINe]

Intense action sequence, I like it. Has a cinematic feel.

[Xao']

Exceptional work bro, lots of speed/action.. and you know you can't go wrong with ninjas :D

My personal opinion though would be to scrap the first three panels and put in one long panel (like panel 2) depicting the guy from a high view point and the ninjas visible in the trees.

[caanan02]

That's a good ides Xao! And thanks again all for your comments. It helps

[blaquejag]

very cool,

[MightyMatt]

You were probably waiting for my reply caanan...
First page>
It is a different way to start out a page...a slight bit of confusion brought forward, but not too much. Panel 5 you kinda messed up bud. If you look in panel 4 your two silhouetted ninjas do NOT have their blade on the right side of the shoulder...so ya sorta flipped it. You'll see what I mean. The flow is kinda disrupted by panel 5 since 1. it is a vertical and the following 3 are horizontal
2. the motion of the ninja is taking the eye downward...when you actually want to be helpful with the flow of the page and somehow have the flow aimed towards the 6th panel instead of the bottom of the page. Hopefully that makes sense.

Second page>
I am not going to pull this completely apart, but the pacing is so quick compared to the first page and it makes the page look like it has a lot of wholes in it as per part of the motion. While I was in animation class in school I learned what gets you from point a to point b, that is usually how I work out a page as well. Take a look at page 2 and see if the flow is smooth by seeing if from one panel to the next panel that there wasn't something you might've added in to make the flow smoother and the movements a little less confusing.
Hopefully I helped you out more.
matt

[Cuddly]

Hi caanan02,

again, I'm really impressed with the artwork. Considering the anime influence, it stays true to the style. It's very cinematic and the pace is controlled quite well by a mixture of closeups and fast action sequences. I also like the different levels of shading used. Is this done in different shades of color pencil or have you sepia-toned it in Photoshop? I'm guessing this pencilling style is intended for inking using shades and tones like in manga?

Here's my panel-by-panel:

Page 1
Panels 1-3 - these panels are well-rendered. However, from a storytelling perspective, they could work better. If this sequence was anime and was being played out on a TV screen, we'd see motion and action and hear sound effects telling us that this character is walking in a forest. However, on the static comic book page, this doesn't work quite as well. Panel 1 tells me a person is wearing a cape. Panel 2 tells me a person (not necessarily the same person mind you) is wearing some funky bodysuit with fancy cuffs. Panel 3 tells me a guy is shirtless and is wearing a medallion of some sort. There's no visual cues to tie the three panels together to imply that this is the same person in all three panels and nothing visually to connect with the hooded figure in Panel 4. Is there some special significance to the items of clothing shown in these three panels? If so, the medallion should be the focus of the shot in Panel 3. Right now, it's the dude's nipple. You'd be better off with an establishing shot early on in the page showing this character walking through the forest.

Panel 4 - a good dramatic shot and also good from a storytelling perspective as it conveys information about where these people are and who the players are. But again, you need to be crystal clear about tying the hooded character visually to the first three panels. Otherwise you've just wasted a whole tier of the page. Mind the tangent that's formed by the ninja on the left and the edge of the moon.

Panel 5 - Good shot again. Matt's got a point about the sword/scabbard behind the ninja being a different side of the body from the previous panel. I like the use of the leaves to imply that he's dropped from the trees.

Panel 6 - To really sell the depth of the shot, bring the ninja on the right closer to the camera and have his leg overlap the hooded guy in the middle-ground a little bit.

Panels 7-8 - Nice! :)

Page 2
Panel 1 - good use of the splitscreen and a nice interpretation of the anime technique. However, here's a problem with doing this on a static page - how do we know this is or isn't the same ninja in both shots? In anime, the speedlines could be moving in different directions to imply that they're on different sides of the hooded character. But on the static page, you've got a problem. You need to differentiate the characters a little either by using different weapons or some slight difference in their uniforms.

Panel 2 - is this a new person in the cloak who's in the air? Where'd he come from? If it's the hooded figure from the previous page, we need to be clear that he's leaped upwards away from his attackers.

Panel 3 - there's a bit of ambiguity in who's doing the throwing here and also what exactly is being thrown. At first I thought the hooded guy was throwing something, then I realised it was a ninja. Also, the items being thrown are disappearing off panel. If you modified this to show the head of the ninja and kept the throwing blades in the panel, it'd help heaps with the clarity.

Panel 4 - is this hooded guy on the ground or in the air?

Panel 5 - Is this a different hooded guy again? Or has the guy who was in the air landed now? If he's just landed, you should show this.

Panel 6 - No major complaints. The sleeve and cuffs and the naked chest and medallion of the long-haired character match up nicely with what we've seen in Panels 1-3 of Page 1. Just wish we'd seen the connection sooner in the story. Interesting use of the split-screen technique to show the reactions of the ninjas. Which I'm assuming that's what is being shown here. Again, clarity.

Panel 7 - The moonlight playing off the trees is well rendered. But I have absolutely no idea at all what's being shown in this last panel and how it's supposed to relate to what we've already seen.

caanan02, I know it seems like I have a lot of crits and a lot of things I don't like about your pages, but that's simply not true. I think you have talent and you definitely have skills. Just polish up the storytelling to achieve greater clarity (there's that word again) and you'll have some superb and strong pages for your portfolio.

[MightyMatt]

cuddly made some really good comments and I think you should take to heart more towards what he said than what I said caanan.

matt

although my comments can help as well, but I am just saying he had some really good things to say, in which I agree with as well.

[caanan02]

back to the ol drawing board again. This is some of the most in-depth cirtis I've ever had, and man it is helping. Thank Cuddly, your knowledge ogf page layout is excellent. And Matt, man you already know. Ya push me dude, and yeah I was waitin for your post. Thanks. I'l really putt to use what's been said. And thnks everyone else for you comments and C&C too.

in Christ alone, be blessed.
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