View Full Version : seeker pag1
08-04-2003, 09:03 AM
this is the first page of my story, please give me all the crits you can
08-07-2003, 05:54 AM
psychoheat, thanks for posting. Apologies for not responding sooner.
First off, here's what I liked about your page:
1) Nice use of panel design to lay out the page.
2) Using an establishing shot as your first panel (always a good thing for the first page of any sequential)
3) The interaction between the characters in Panel 1. Some good storytelling elements there.
Generally, here's where I'd say you need more work:
1) Perspective. The perspective in Panel 1 is off. I'm guessing the circle in the middle is a design of some sort on the ground? If so, it should be more elliptical and more in line with the perspective shown by the tiles on the ground. Right now, it's spoiling any illusion of depth here.
2) Anatomy. Break out the anatomy books and try to improve on the characters.
3) Varying angles. With the exception of Panel 1, all the panels show people from more or less the same angle.
Panel 1 - I like the establishing shot. But you need to push it some more in terms of what you're telling us. Are we looking at folks in a market? On a street? In a village square? Are they just milling about or are they waiting to witness the testing of the young girl in Panel 3? What's the hooded figure in the background walking on? A sidewalk? Water? It's just not that clear.
Panel 2 - Another nice shot, showing suspicion and anxiety in the faces of the people on the street. Nice use of the hooded figure again (I'm assuming it's the same hooded figure?). To maintain continuity between Panels 1 and 2, you should maybe have some of the people in Panel 2 appear in Panel 1 also. Just to reinforce the idea that it's the same scene we're looking at and that's the same hooded figure. Work on your facial anatomy. The more cartoony style is fine (3rd character from the left reminds me of a Michael Avon Oeming drawing), but try to vary them a bit more. The leftmost figure is a good example. Rounder nose, rounder eyes, etc.
Panel 3 - No major complaints. I like that you've got the hooded figure and the guy in the purple shirt from the previous panel in the background. That's good. You need to use a ruler for the bricks and tiles. Also, seek out reference on the way cloth folds. The folds in her shirt and pants/skirt need some work.
Panel 4 - Interesting design. Again, the folds in the cloth need work. Also, seek out reference for hands. The way that index finger is pointing looks a bit off.
A couple more general things I just thought of. The lettering's a tad small and unclear. Size that up and you'll be fine. Also, I can't quite read it, but you may have misspelled "occasion" as "ocation" in Panel 1. You need to avoid small errors like that for the sake of making your work as professional as possible.
Like I said, I think your storytelling shows promise and you should definitely keep at this. I look forward to seeing more sequentials in the future.
08-11-2003, 08:28 AM
Thanks for your comments Don.
As you say the circle in the left panel is absolutly out off the perspective I have to fix that, also the folds on the clothing.
IŽll work on the conection between the first and second pannel adding some of the characters of the second in the first. The finger is more flexed than it should, I noticed that when I finished the page, IŽll see what I can do to fix it.
Soon IŽll be posting the second page
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