Greetings!

[beejunk]

Good evening all!

My name is Brian David, and I'm a new member to this board. I've only recently decided that I want to take creating comic books seriously as career, something which has forced me to realize my art and writing skills are not stellar. I could definately use all the help I can get, and so here I am.

Just as a brief summary of myself, I live in the flaming inferno that is Phoenix, AZ. I moved here about two years ago to play music, something which has taken up the better part of my life. I play the bass guitar and the flute (how's that for an interesting dichotomy?), both of which are things I love very much. Unfortunately, the band I've been playing with for half a decade recently broke up, and I've decided I need a break from that whole scene for a while. So I'm throwing myself headlong into writing and drawing comics, something which has only been a side hobby to this point.

What all of you have going here is a truly incredible thing, and it's great to see a place where people are committed to helping each other grow artistically. Just recently I got to see Sherman Alexie speak at a local bookstore, and that has inspired me to work as hard as possible with my writing. So, in that spirit, I figure I'll just dive right in. This is the first issue of a series I've started working on, called Shift:

Issue 1 (http://members.cox.net/briandavid/shift_1.htm)

I've focused so much on writing this that I'm afraid it might make no sense at all. So, let me know what you think, and be brutally honest. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone else's works, and thank you all for any suggestions you can provide.

Oh, and one of the characters in this story has a pretty foul mouth. I don't know if that bothers anyone, but I figured I'd give a warning.

[banshee]

Welcome Beejunk/Brian to the writers desk and PJ!!!!!!!! :D always glad to see a new face!

wow, musically inclined? nice stuff!! Ok, enough with the gush. Yeah I think we've got a good thing going here and we are always happy to help c&c where we can or provide info in the right direction.

Have you got any reference material, Brian, at all? There are some great books out there (you can see these threads for further information). I myself found Denny O' Neill's book to be of great help. That might help point you in the right direction.

http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=18804

http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7478

I will take a look at your script and then post that seperately, otherwise it can get a bit long to read :)

welcome again!
Banshee

[beejunk]

I don't have anything in the way of official reference material, by which I mean books focused completely on comic writing. What I've learned so far about the medium has come mostly from reading comic books, especially any actual scripts that I can get a hold of (Gaiman's script in the appendix of "Sandman: Dream Country" was very enlightening, as well as Bendis's scripts for "Powers: Who Killed Retro Girl") And, naturally, perusing as many websites as I could find on the subject. Ah, good ol' internet, how could I live without ye? As for writing in general, I've done a lot of non-fiction writing, mostly involving promo material and such for my ex-band. And, of course, I read a LOT of books.

I'll definately delve into the articles and references you posted. Muchos gracias.

[banshee]

oh I forgot to mention... please feel free to crit away at other ppl's work. Even mine! I can take it! (after I';ve had some choc and a hug from my sons LOL).

Reading your piece now. Just a quick suggestion, for your dialogue, maybe have it like this

Page 1
PANEL 1- Description

PROTAGONIST: blah blah blah

I find it makes it easier to read and also easier for your reader to point out any crits to you (easy referencing is what I meant). It may not be your style though, but it was a suggestion :D

ok.... next...

Maybe it's just me but I wld hv gone for a bit more of what Jacob was thinking with a caption or two

Spelling: THE EXCERSIZE (wouldnt it be the exercise? even if it is american spelling? is there american spelling for exercise?? LOL). Just being difficult LOL

The bit where they are at the holding cells, I was thinking the scientists would speak more formally. For example, Scientist 2 would perhaps say "Any theories as to why we have had a lack of response?" Seems to work a wee bit better with the environment you've drawn out for us.

where Landsdown says ".. MISLEAD AFFAIRS.." shouldnt it be 'misled' instead? suggestion: "..MISERABLE AFFAIRS.." Makes it more disparaging yeah?

"THEY SEEM TO BE IN A LITTLE BIT OF A TIFF" - I think it may be better to say "they seem to be having a little bit of a tiff"

Page 13 (I finally realised where the pages are, my bad!)
"Unplanned-for"
"Too many variables involved."

That's pretty much it. Your pacing is good and I can easily imagine what you are trying to describe. nice job, mate! :D

Looking fwd to seeing more! keep up the good work!
Lia etc

[banshee]

cool beans Brian! :) I saw u posted while I was doing my c&c. Yeah I got a lot of my material from the books suggested here (actually only got two books, expensive for us not earning them thar 'foreign' currency lol) and also from the Net (man, I'd be totally lost w/o the Net). I hv some more websites floating around that I dont think are mentioned in that thread, I'd hv to dig around for it, but those named are really good. My hubby (Cuddly, he posts on Critical Mass mostly) is an artist (or penciller I;ve been told to say LOL) and hes a comic collector. I am not as into comics as he is but I am cool wt the genre etc. I picked it up cos I wanted to learn how to write scripts for him. I learned lots here as well.

Ok, enough abt me! LOL

[beejunk]

Excellent suggestions!

Sorry about the style, it was actually more readable on Microsoft Word. The dialogue is indented and laid out differently, it just didn't translate too well in HTML, and it would've taken me FOREVER to manually key in that stuff.

I see what you mean about the dialogue between the scientists. I had actually reigned it in a little from the original draft, where they were even more infomal. But I'll go through and see if I can put in a more serious edge, especially since I had intended those characters to be somewhat unemotional.

Blarg, and I hate it when I miss the speeling errors. (BTW, I think the American spelling for exercise is CHEESEBURGER) I did the dialogue in all caps, so the spell checker misses those words. Althogh I think Landsdowne's line works the way it is. (With the correct spelling of misled, of course :) ) I wanted him to sound more condescending than disparaging.

I'll definately go through and fix up the other suggestions you made. Thank you very very much!

[banshee]

anytime :)

yeah sometimes I hv that prob with MS word translating into HTML. but that format translate ok.

Looking fwd to seeing more stuff!

later days
Lia