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banshee
07-24-2003, 01:10 AM
Here ye may find the first chapter of my novel (which wasnt named I bite the bullet, catchy title mind u LOL, thats why I changed my subject heading). I will admit my first chapter wasnt one of my best, it was the first time I ever tried writing fiction so bear that in mind :)

enjoy (I hope) and crit away!

Rendevous in Darkness by Angelia Ong (copyright)

Chapter 1- Tropocos enters into the fray.

Pain. Darkness. A sense of being completely alone. El’se sat remembering all that happened in the last few months. She breathed deeply, exhaling slowly, trying to relax. Else opened her eyes and sighed. The four dark walls in her bedroom felt claustrophobic as they reminded her of the slave quarters from which they had recently escaped from, the enveloping darkness, the silence.

El’se switched on the lights, hurriedly adjusting the brightness to a warmer, more peaceful glow. She thought that perhaps some vigorous exercise should revive her spirits. Settling for some simple martial arts movements, El’se stretched her muscles and with great fluidity, kicked, spun and punched her way into a more relaxed frame of mind. Wiping the sweat out of her eyes, she acknowledged that she couldn’t shake that feeling of foreboding, no matter how much she hit out at the invisible horrors.

Abruptly she stopped her exercises and said to herself, “ I need to leave home again, this restlessness just doesn’t go away when I am here, home isn’t here anymore.” Recalling her parent’s repeated requests for her to finally settle down and take on the various duties and responsibilities as the “Chosen One”, heir to the throne, she was more determined to continue her nomadic lifestyle. Being here made the restlessness seem even more potent. “ I have to face them again,” she resolved, “ it is not my time to settle down yet.”

With a grim determination to make the best of the forthcoming storm, she hopped into the bathroom to enjoy an invigorating shower. Feeling much better, she stood in front of the mirrored cupboards, deliberating on what to wear. She had kept very little here, most of her personal belongings were on her home ship, the Sanctuary. This bedroom was once hers as a child and in her early teens but all that remained now were memories. She decided to remain in her robe, not wanting to do anything but try and relax. She then sat at her dresser, brushing her long hair and glanced at her reflection. She had the deep auburn hair and catlike green almond-shaped eyes of the Naga Family, long limbed and supple, her skin cinnamon in colour. She sighed, “ Pretty much what you’d expect a warrior princess and an El’lahi master to be like, I guess”. With a shrug of her shoulders, dropping her brush on the dresser top, she got up and grabbed a cold drink, gravitating towards the sofa in the outside area to relax. Taking a sip, El’se was startled by a persistent beep. She frowned, realising it was an incoming message. She considered briefly ignoring the summons but settled for answering the message.

Striding across the cool wooden floors, El’se pressed a button on the large console on a wall and there blinked a message from the Patriarch, her father, summoning her to the Celebration Hall where a banquet was being held in honour of the new arrivals from the Corrusca Galaxy Coalition. It also reminded her that she was already late. She frowned at her father’s image and groaned, “ Why must I attend these infernal political banquets? I was hoping that they’d forgotten or not notice my absence”. However, she sent an affirmative reply as she knew that she could not refuse to attend, even if it was tempting. “ I will just make an appearance and then leave as soon as I can”. Switching off the console, she returned to the bedroom, taking her drink with her and contemplated her wardrobe.

“ I guess a traditional warrior’s outfit is out of the question,” she smiled, noting the rather skimpy outfit still hanging in her closets. Settling on a dark green loose silken gown, she quickly changed, ran a brush through her hair again, needing no jewellery other than the discreet necklace and earrings she always wore. She briefly hesitated, looking at the make-up cases her mother always left on the dresser but decided against it. Grabbing dark green heeled shoes, she returned to the living area, dimming the lights before striding confidentially out of the door. “ I wish Father would just let me be instead of insisting that I attend these events every time I come home,” she thought to herself as she strode quickly through the myriad of corridors. Arriving at the Celebration Hall several decks away, she breathed deeply, willing herself to relax. She swung around, nodding at the hovering courtier to precede her as she know that he wanted to announce her arrival. She smiled at the guards who swung the heavy wooden doors open, the din of the guests chattering and dining enveloping them. “ This should be fun!” she thought with a sudden wry grin. With that in mind, she entered the noisy, grand Celebration Hall.

El’se Naga entered the Celebration Hall filled with people, courtiers, scholars, dignitaries, the din reaching an uncomfortable level. She wondered how the poor courtier would be able to announce her arrival over this noise as she followed him through the throngs of bodies towards the main table. She noticed her sister El’anor, Commander of the Nusantara Squadron amongst the crowd of people, halting to beckon her sister to join her. To her surprise, El’anor shook her head, auburn curls in disarray as usual. El’se frowned but continued on her walk across the room. The main table looked richly decorated and was laden with food. Her father, Al’mi Naga, the Patriarch smiled at her and with an apology to the guest he was chatting to, rose to greet her.

“Ahh El’se, glad you could join us. May I present Princess Liianna Woodanna, Chief of State for the Corrusca Galaxy Coalition? Your highness, my daughter and heir, El’se.” He introduced her to a regal but friendly looking woman on his right who rose and offered her hand to El’se with a smile. El’se shook the proffered hand and smiled politely. “May I in turn introduce you to my children, your Highness,” spoke Liianna, indicating the two sitting on her mother Azar’s right, a handsome young man around her won age and a beautiful daughter around El’anor’s and El’lian’s ages. El’se smiled and shook hands with Timera and Natalia Woodana while their mother looked on smilingly. “We are glad that you were able to visit the Tropocos System, your highness. You and your family are most welcome here,” El’se said, knowing that her parents expected her to murmur some nicety or another. “And we are glad to be able to meet at long last”, returned Princess Liianna.

El’se was ushered to her seat between Timera, Liianna’s son and her mother. As their food was being served, she jumped when Timera spoke to her.

“ I understand that you lead an entire squadron, your Highness, may I ask what sort of squadron it is?”
“ Please do call me Else. I am not so comfortable with your highness”.
Timera smiled his assent.
“Our squadron, known as the Banshees, consists of a mixture of military forces, from star fighters to ground commandoes. We prefer to have this versatility in case of any eventuality.”

They chatted regarding the aspects of military life and compared notes on favourite fighters. El’se was enjoying herself much to her surprise until an offhand comment by the Crown Prince threw her off guard. He had complimented her on how elegant and attractive she looked and she became flustered and stammered her thanks but quickly changed the subject. She also caught an amused but interested look from her mother who had remained out of the conversation so far. She wondered what her mother was up to now and gave herself a mental thump, “Hah! A warrior, squadron commander and El-lahi master and you get thrown by a compliment by some smooth talking courtier”, she chastised herself. She admitted that he was handsome, self-assured and spoke well but her natural reserve and caution drew her back from becoming too friendly with the Crown Prince. Besides, her heart was caught by another although she wasn’t able to reveal who that is. She sighed and then started when Timera asked what was wrong. El’se hadn’t realised that she remained in a mental reverie as Timera was speaking to her. She apologised, blaming their recent journey for her quietness. Timera seemed to sense her reticence and then changed topics, questioning her a little more on the culture of her people.

As El’se answered his questions and in turn questioned him regarding Empeera, his home planet, Timera remembered that his mother had told them regarding this system. The Tropocos system was a collection of planets and moons, well colonised and pretty self-sufficient. The Naga family were the main ruling family, although various duchies and earldoms were established on the other planets. Havenia, the capital was located on the largest planet, Bel Anna, named for the wife of their founding father, Al’eem Naga. He was intensely curious regarding their culture and made a mental note to quiz El’se further. She was telling him about the rest of her family, an older brother, a younger pair of twins (brother and sister). “ Are they all as attractive and accomplished as yourself,” he smiled, noting her flustered demeanour. “She is not used to compliments, it seems, I haven’t had as much fun at a diplomatic function before,” he chuckled to himself.

He looked over at his sister Natalia who was chatting quietly to Azar Naga, the Patriarch’s Consort and El’se’s mother. “It’s nice to see Natalia blossoming. She’s so quiet and reserved, our court tutor sometimes despairs of her but I love her the way she is, unaffected.” Timera noted of his sister. El’se mentioned that a tour of their system or at least Havenia would probably be on their agenda during their stay here. She was in the midst of asking him regarding his own family and also mentioning that he would probably meet her other siblings at a private function at a later date when a gong for silence could be heard.

Al’mi Naga stood up and smiled at the assembled guests. As the chatter petered out, an expectant air permeated Timera’s sense. The Patriarch spoke clearly, “ Your Highnesses, honoured guests, please forgive this somewhat informal speech but I have an important announcement to make.” Timera saw El’se tense, sensing a wariness that seemed a little untoward.

Al’mi turned towards Liianna, “Your Highness, I am pleased to announce that our Council has approved your request to begin diplomatic discussions with the Corrusca Galaxy Coalition and have extended their hope that a mission might be permitted to make a return visit to Empeera soon.” Liianna smiled and nodded at the statement. El’se breathed out slowly, feeling a little relieved at her father’s announcement but could not shake that sense of foreboding.

She looked up as her father continued, “ The mission will consist of our eldest daughter El’se Naga along with her squadron the Banshees and a delegation led by Councillor Gladus Patar. Details will be ironed out at a later stage but this mission is not only to begin diplomatic ties discussions but also to work together with Corrusca’s military forces in order to dispel a threatened invasion by our old nemesis, the Ryana of Isorlia.”

A stunned salience met this portion of his speech and some hisses could be heard. Al’mi reassured the gathered people that no danger at present threatened Tropocos itself but stressed that Isorlia must not be allowed to encroach on free planets and systems. At that, he sat down to thunderous applause. The din of partying guests and numerous conversations continued.

Queen Liianna smiled reservedly, observing El’se obvious astonishment and building anger at the unexpected turn of events. She made a mental note to herself to learn more on the Naga Family. “ Princess El’se is not happy with this arrangement, I wonder if anything was even mentioned to her, it would appear otherwise,” Liianna thought to herself.

As Al’mi suggested a Council meeting the next day to work out the details of the mission and a data disk would be sent to her with their proposal later, she agreed, knowing that at least the main purpose of her visit was achieved. Azar, his Consort, then suggested that a tour of Havenia could also be introduced into their schedule at their convenience. Liianna agreed feeling curious about this place, especially its political and culture thinking, having only sketchy notes previously. Azar also suggested a private dinner tomorrow night between the two families, regretting that they didn’t have any opportunity to introduce all of the Patriarch’s children to them at this function. Liianna asked if she could confirm the dinner later, citing the uncertainty of the time needed for their meeting tomorrow. Azar smiled and said that it was not a problem and reassured her that Liianna may confirm or delay the dinner anytime during the day. Natalia then asked Azar regarding her children. Liianna was pleased that her youngest daughter was making an effort at conversation and was also delighted to note her son’s relaxed face as he conversed with El’se, although El’se answered him rather distractedly. “Something is going on here that I don’t know about but I’m glad that Timera seems relaxed, he has been so subdued since his fiancée’s passing, I do hope it’s a good sign,” she thought to herself. Liianna then turned her attention to the dessert dish being placed in front of her.

El’se was fuming inwardly. “ However angry I am, I have to speak to my father privately, this is a most unwelcome announcement. How could he just send us off without consulting myself or my team?” She suddenly excused herself from the table, interrupting Timera in mid-sentence and nodded at Natalia and Liianna. “Your Highnesses, enjoy your stay here, I must excuse myself now,” she apologised albeit rather tersely. The Woodannas smiled and thanked her as her parents signaled their disapproval. Azar smilingly chastised her, “ Come daughter, it’s much too early to leave our celebrations, stay a while longer.” El’se declined firmly, “ Mother I am tired. I have much to plan for it seems, surprises are often more work I find.” “El’se!” her mother admonished her sternly as Al’mi spoke, “ El’se, please let us not speak in such a manner in front of our honoured guests.”

El’se took a deep breath and exhaled. She turned to her father and said quietly, “Father, there’s no point in my remaining here. You can plan perfectly well without me it seems.” With that parting shot, she turned and left the Celebration Hall quickly. Timera noticed that several others following her out, one of them bearing a strong resemblance to El’se herself and he assumed that they were some of the Banshees, El’se squadron.

To his left, Al’mi Naga half stood up, seeking to halt his daughter’s departure but was restrained quietly by Azar who shook her head a little as he turned towards her. Al’mi recovered quickly and apologised to Liianna for his daughter’s abrupt exit, citing a return from an exhausting and dangerous mission where the Banshees saved many of their ships from being destroyed and rescued their people from slavery. The Queen reassured him that it was perfectly all right, and that she understood. She tactfully changed the subject, directing Al’mi’s attention away from his daughter by questioning him on the sweet delicacies that had just been served.

“Very interesting tableau,” Natalia whispered to her brother who was moved to her side while Azar was explaining the dishes to their mother. “What do you think El’se was so mad about?” she asked quietly. Timera shrugged, replying Natalia’s whispers with a promise to discuss it later. Natalia thought that El’se was very brave standing up to her father in that way and sighed to herself. “I wish I could have some of that bravery, I know my parents would be happier if I could be more “Princessy” as Timera would always jokingly say. I just tire of all these conventions our court tutor insists that we have to follow. I guess I will get used to it, I just hate disappointing everyone.”

Toying with her dessert, she admitted that she would rather be sketching. There are so many interesting faces here that she would love to capture on paper. Natalia loved to paint and draw but court duties didn’t always allow her to do so. She thought of her eldest sister, Rowina, already involved in the civil service, married and with twin grandchildren on the way, just as an Empeera Princess should be doing. She sighed again. Looking around the room, she tried to memorise the scene before her, hoping to attempt sketching it soon. A young man dressed in a silken suit was leaning against a wall with a beautiful carving above him. She stared at the carving, admiring its simplicity when the young man winked at her. She was startled and frowned instead. He smiled cheekily and bowed at her before disappearing into the crowd. She was annoyed and continued to frown until she gave herself a mental shake and proceeded to try and enjoy the rest of the evening.

When the function ended , the Woodannas, exhausted, were escorted back to their suite. Once their escort had left, they changed into more comfortable attire and settled in for one last chat before they retired for the evening. Timera and Liianna went over the evening’s events while Natalia sat on the balcony with her sketchbook, enjoying the cool breeze.

“What do you think will happen tomorrow in the Council meeting, Mother?”
“Hard to say, my son. There will be definitely tensions. From what I understand, El’se will be attending. They certainly are an interesting family, at least the ones I have met so far. We should turn in soon, it will be a long day tomorrow. You and Natalia have a tour tomorrow and I have the council meeting. We will most probably meet with the rest of the Nagas at a private dinner in the evening if that is acceptable to you both?”

Her two children assented and with fond good nights, each retired to their rooms. Timera read a little before falling asleep whilst Natalia continued to sketch what she saw today when she noticed the young audacious man in her picture of the carving. “He certainly had a nerve,” she commented and threw her book and pencil aside in a huff and lay down on her bed. Liianna’s last thought before falling asleep was filled with the possibility of an interesting day tomorrow.

Earlier that night, El’se had stormed out of the Celebration Hall, followed by some of her squadron mates. She almost tripped on her heels, impatiently removed them and continued her brisk pace. Kareen Naga, her second in command and a cousin, her sister El’anor and one or two others followed her closely. El’anor called to El’se to slow down but El’se felt the need to stomp out this anger. She suddenly whirled around, making a quick decision. “Kareen, tell the others that we may move out in forty eight standard hours. I think I’ll be moving back to the home ship tonight-I’d just feel more at home there. We also need to get more information on this mission and to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. I’ll meet you and the rest of the officers in two hours on board. I think that should be enough time,” she commanded. Kareen agreed and headed off to do as she was bid.

The others left too after a gesture from El’anor, sensing that discretion here was best. El’anor remained with her sister and even joined her in her quarters. El’se looked at her sister and said, “ Ela, leave me be. I need to pack and prepare things.” El’anor paused a moment before saying,” El’se, please don’t be angry at Father. He is our Patriarch and wants what’s best for Tropocos. We’ve been away so long, he needed to make a decision, especially in view of Isorlia’s threats.” El’se remained silent as she looked out the window. “Ela. Do you think I’d ever be happy here?” she asked. El’anor was surprised and thought a moment before answering, “El’se, I cant answer that question for you. Duty before feeling is difficult a lot of the time. Perhaps I should leave you in peace and return to my quarters.” “Ever the diplomat, hmm, Ela? Perhaps you’d make a better heir than I would, “ El’se half mockingly replied. “Goodness me no! You were chosen as the heir, you cant deny your position!” was El’anor’s horrified response. “ You were a close third to me throughout the tests, Ela. You’re ever bit as capable, so are El’win and El’lian. El’lian was second after all. Sometimes I wonder if you three decided to let me win, our scores were so close, did I draw the short straw or something?” retorted El’se, again half mocking, half serious. El’anor fervently denied this and immediately dismissed El’se statement down to tiredness and stress. She excused herself and left El’se to continue packing.

El’se watched her sister leave and once the doors closed behind her, El’se whispered, “ you know somehow I think I’ve got a handle on the truth but at the moment there’s nothing I can do about it.” She shrugged and began packing up. There was hardly anything left, everything she owned was on the Sanctuary. She decided to take the traditional warriors outfit and the accompanying weapons in its special case, if only to display on the wall in her quarters onboard. Upon further thought, she also packed several gowns, shoes and small items in case she had to attend any state functions. She hesitated, looking at the makeup cases on the dresser, she took some, thinking that at least her mother would appreciate that as she always left these cases on El’se dresser top. She eventually finished packing and changed into a more comfortable pants suit after another quick shower. Moving her bags into the living area, she messaged for a servant bot to take away her things to the home ship, leaving a backpack for her to take. She gave the rooms a quick check and grabbed a long coat and then she saw it.

She stared at the photo on the table in the living area, looking at the laughing happy faces of her family at her graduation from the Academy of the Faith-El’win already graduated two years before her with D’tanna Q’peks his betrothed, her parents looking proud, El’lian and El’anor in their uniforms, waiting for their turn to graduate. Her green eyes looked thoughtful as she looked at the photo. There were happy memories here, she admitted. “It was only once I was elected “The Chosen One” that things just seemed beyond my control. I guess I don’t enjoy the idea of settling down here. I’d much rather remain the Commander of the Banshees but I guess fate among other things determined things to be different”, she thought to herself. Acting on an impulse, she took that picture away, putting it carefully in her backpack. Glancing at her watch, she had some time before heading to her ship. She decided to check the console and the data she apparently needed for tomorrow’s meeting and for the mission was waiting for her. She downloaded it to her personal console in order to go through it later. She sent her parents and El’win messages mentioning her intention to remain on her home ship for the duration of her stay around two days at the most. El’win was the Commander and military strategist of the Planatary Reserves and she needed to speak to him later regarding their forthcoming mission. She gave a cursory glance at the data she had received. She saw a request for a private family dinner with the Woodanas tentatively set for the following night.

El’se know she’d be worn out from the Council meeting but remembering that photo and how close they used to be, she decided to confirm her attendance. After all, she may not see them for some time. Clearing her messages and deleting what she did not need, El’se shut down the console and then packed her personal console in the backpack. Sneaking another look around, she put on her comfortable service boots and tied up her long hair into a ponytail before slipping on her long coat. Picking up her backpack and turning off the lights, El’se opened the door just as her mother Azar rang the doorbell. “Mother, I was just leaving!” El’se exclaimed, surprised at her mother’s appearance. Azar requested a moment of her eldest daughter’s time. Although El’se was reluctant at first, she eventually agreed and stepped back into the suite. She switched the lights back on and joined her mother who had sat down on the sofa. Azar was a beautiful and regal woman but tonight her eyes were both tired and sad. She took El’se hands in hers and looked at her closely before speaking.

“My daughter, don’t look so worried, I won’t bite!” she began smilingly, “I have just come to request you present a more gracious view in front of our distinguished guests,” she paused during which El’se sighed and replied,” Yes Mother I’ll try but I don’t like surprise announcements and I’ll be staying on the Sanctuary from now on.” Azar attempted to protest but El’se was determined and stressed that she just needed to work there and she was more comfortable there. She mentioned her plans to leave for Empeera in two days, with or without the Corrusca delegation. Azar sighed, “very well, El’se. I can see that I can do little to dissuade you from this decision but please do try and make an effort. You have to get used to assuming certain responsibilities and not leave when things seem a little difficult.”

El’se did not respond to that and just asked her mother if there was anything else as she had to leave soon. Azar said,” Yes there is one more thing.” El’se looked expectantly at her mother. Azar noted her daughter’s tense, wary posture and took a steadying breath before speaking again.

“El’se, many noted that you and the Crown Prince seemed to have much in common and you looked a good couple.” “Let me finish please.” “As you know the time is approaching near to when you must select your Consort-Elect. It’s traditionally expected that you will view the sons from the prominent families and get to know them before making your choice from there, much as how I was chosen as Consort. You have hardly spent any time here, it’ll prove difficult for you to get to know your “choices” if you are not going to be actually here!” “El’se, the Elders and the Council have put forward a proposal that they feel may benefit us in the long run and to save us from eventual in-breeding which is always a risk,” Azar paused and took a deep breath.

El’se’s eyes narrowed but remained silent, knowing her mother had more to say. Azar continued, “They have proposed that your Consort-Elect be someone outside Tropocos, as part of negotiations and/or treaties. You have to be comfortable with that person, El’se, it’s not as feudal as all that! If this proves to be a success, the Elders and the Council suggest rectifying our laws to reflect this additional option.” Azar stopped speaking at her daughter’s shocked expression. “ Is Prince Timera a “candidate” for what they propose Mother? Do my feelings even enter into it? Why does it have to be MY partner in life?” El’se finally exploded into speech after leaping up from her seat, her coat swinging about her legs as she paced the room.

“Mother, this is hardly acceptable. My Consort-Elect cannot be chosen for the sake of politics!”
“El’se, you know that as the heir, you must learn that you can’t avoid politics and very often what may be good for Tropocos in the long term may not always be in line with your own feelings or preferences. Do you think your father also wished to send you with the Banshees so soon after you’ve returned? The situation demanded it so he made that decision, even though he preferred you to remain here. This mission is important, my daughter. At least try to get to know Prince Timera!”
“Well, Mother, in regards to the mission, yes, I will cooperate, although I won’t listen to that pompous Councillor Gladus Patar if it’s against my better judgement. As for the Crown Prince, well, I will be polite, nothing more.”
“So be it, my daughter. Please remember that your father needs your support now and not your antagonism.”

Azar then kissed her daughter and left El’se alone. El’se was in a whirl, more surprises and she had hardly been here two days. She shook her head and grabbed her bag. “ I will think on this later, right now I need to get to my ship/” she thought to herself as she switched off the lights and headed out through the doors. She shivered in spite of her warm coat, perhaps sensing that more lay around the corner than she felt comfortable dealing with.

End Chapter One.

cabralsoth
07-24-2003, 11:04 PM
hey banshee, i actually read this earlier in the day and was at work going thru a VEERRYYY long letter, but alas i was at work and as we all know as soon as your doing something you want to do something comes up.... anyhow my original response was deleted before i ever got too finish... now that i am home and i have some time i am going to crit away...lol.., first let me start by saying from what i have read so far you seem like a very talented writer...im gonna have to stop by the site sometime and check out your poetry as well.... deffinitly looking forward to it , on to the crits...mwhahahaa!!!

some of these may just be nitpicking, spelling, proper speech and such... but me not being a writer can give you a readers point of view...k? ...


1. paragraph 4 ...she frowned realizing it was an incoming message.
2. in paragraphs 5 and 6 you use the following words...striding across the wooden floor... grabbing dark green heeled shoes, she returned to the living area, dimming the lights before striding confidently out the door... she thought to herself as she strode quickly through the myriad of corridors... that word seems a bit redundant being used so close together, i might either omit one or try and change the wording...
3. paragraph 8... , a handsome young man around her own age and a beautiful daughter around El’anor’s and El’lian’s ages.
4. paragraph 10.... i just thought it was cute you used the word "banshees" :D
5. paragraph 11... a few words i think are mispelled favourite/favorite? realised/realized? apologised/apologized?
6. paragraph 12... Timera remembered what his mother had told them regarding this system.
7. paragraph 12... spelling....colonised/colonized?
8. paragraph 20... spelling... apologised/apologized?honoured/honored?
9. paragraph 24... spelling... memorise/memorize?
10. paragraph 25... Timera and Liianna went over the evening’s events while Natalia sat on the balcony with her sketchbook, enjoying the cool breeze.... not sure about this i could be wrong, but in the next paragraph after this you begin with Timera and Liiana talking... but you leave off this sentence focussed on Natalia... i think if you swithched the wording a bit the flow would be alot better ...such as....Natalia sat on the balcony with her sketchbook, enjoying the cool breeze while Timera and Liianna went over the evening’s events.
“What do you think will happen tomorrow in the Council meeting, Mother?”
i just think it makes a little more sense this way...
11. paragraph 26... There will be definitely tensions.... not sure about the wording on this either...There deffinitly will be tension.
also... "They certainly are an interesting family, at least the ones I have met so far. We should turn in soon, it will be a long day tomorrow." i think the sentence changes course a little quick there... i think a small break to show a change in events would give some breathing room...example..."They certainly are an interesting family, at least the ones I have met so far." Liiana said as she walked towards the bed. "We should turn in soon, it will be a long day tomorrow."...eh? ...also in the next two lines you used the word tomorrow twice... i think once woulda been fine....example..., "it will be a long day tomorrow. You and Natalia have a tour and I have the council meeting." ... see the sentence still makes sense.
12. paragraph 27... whilst Natalia continued to sketch what she saw today when she noticed the young audacious man in her picture of the carving.... hmmm.... noticed? didn't she draw the picture? it almost makes it sound as though he appeared in her drawing... did she draw him or was she thinking of him? ... if she didnt draw him this may make a little more sense...whilst Natalia continued to sketch what she saw today, thinking back to the audacious man she saw standing beneath the carving.
13. paragraph 28... Kareen Naga, her second in command and a cousin, her sister El’anor and one or two others followed her closely... with this sentence you are setting up a visual for the reader... by saying one or two you are confusing me... just say two ...lol....only if she was describing to someone else in the story what she saw then it would make more sense.
14. paragraph 29... with this i may be wrong but im giving my opinion remember...El’se looked at her sister and said, “ Ela, leave me be. I need to pack and prepare things.” El’anor paused a moment before saying,” El’se, please don’t be angry at Father."... i think that these sentences would draw the reader in more if you didnt use the words 'said' and 'saying'...example... El’se looked at her sister, “ Ela, leave me be. I need to pack and prepare things.” El’anor paused a moment,” El’se, please don’t be angry at Father."... to me the less you have to say said and saying the better the read becomes...
15. paragraph 30... little nitpicking...El’se watched her sister leave and once the doors closed behind her, El’se whispered, “ you know somehow I think I’ve got a handle on the truth but at the moment there’s nothing I can do about it.” ... this sentence is fine as it is, but i think you should say to whom she is whispering too... for all we know maybe there was someone else in the room we didnt see...i would have reworded it like so...El’se watched her sister leave and once the doors closed behind her, El’se whispered to herself, “ you know somehow I think I’ve got a handle on the truth but at the moment there’s nothing I can do about it.”
16. paragraph 31... "I’d much rather remain the Commander of the Banshees but I guess fate among other things determined things to be different”... again with using the same word too much... ""I’d much rather remain the Commander of the Banshees but I guess fate among other things determined it to be different"...also...Acting on an impulse, she took that picture away, putting it carefully in her backpack.... i would change the wording a little bit...Acting on impulse, she took the picture, putting it carefully in her backpack....also...She decided to check the console and the data she apparently needed for tomorrow’s meeting and for the mission that was waiting for her.
17. paragraph 32... El’se knew she’d be worn out ...also... Azar requested a moment of her eldest daughter’s time. Although El’se was reluctant at first, she eventually agreed and stepped back into the suite.... i would reword this abit too... Azar requested a moment of her eldest daughter’s time. Although El’se was reluctant, she agreed and stepped back into the suite... toherwise it seems as though a long time has passed when in fact it was mere moments...
18. paragraph 33... Yes Mother I’ll try but I don’t like surprise announcements and I’ll be staying on the Sanctuary from now on... im sure a comma has got to go somewhere in there to break the sentence up...
19. paragraph 35... “El’se, many noted that you and the Crown Prince seemed to have much in common and you looked like a good couple.” ...also... “El’se, many noted that you and the Crown Prince seemed to have much in common and you looked a good couple.” “Let me finish please.” “As you know the time is approaching near to when you must select your Consort-Elect. "... i think you should have broken these sentences up with a reaction from El'se to make the sentence flow a little better...example...... “El’se, many noted that you and the Crown Prince seemed to have much in common and you looked a good couple.” noticing El'se eyes growing wide Liiana quickly added “As you know the time is approaching near to when you must select your Consort-Elect. "
20. paragraph 36... “ Is Prince Timera a “candidate” for what they propose Mother? Do my feelings even enter into it? Why does it have to be MY partner in life?” El’se finally exploded into speech after leaping up from her seat, her coat swinging about her legs as she paced the room... this sentence needs to be changed around to help the flow as well... the reader doesnt realize tha she jumped up or exploded until after they read what she said...i think it would have read better like so ...El'se leaped from her seat and exploded ... “ Is Prince Timera a “candidate” for what they propose Mother? Do my feelings even enter into it? Why does it have to be MY partner in life?” her coat swinging about her legs as she paced the room.
21. paragraph 37..." Do you think your father also wished to send you with the Banshees so soon after you’ve returned? The situation demanded it so he made that decision, even though he preferred you to remain here"...i would have omitted a few words as to not seem like im indirectly repeating myself....such as...... "Do you think your father also wished to send you with the Banshees so soon after you’ve returned? The situation demanded it, even though he preferred you to remain here"...
22. also there were some fairly technicle words that without a dictionary id have no clue what you were talking about... such as...para11...reverie? reticence?...para17 salience?..hmmm ... maybe that one was silence?....para20 tersely?... and para23 tableau?... i still havent looked em up so those parts of your sentence i had a vague understanding of what was said... i think its great that you are smart enough to know what they mean... but for the average reader they are looking for simplicty... i don't want you to lose anyone ...lol...
23. last but not least was your setup of the characters and their environments... it wasnt until a few paragraphs in that i realized she wasnt on earth... i had no idea what the place she lived in looked like nor what any of the characters looked like... i read D&D books mostly and i know that in those books they describe everything to the reader so you can get a nice visual of the locale... example... i know Drizzt is a dark elf whose skin is ebony in color with silk-like white hair falling down over his shoulders... he has violet eyes that are deep and penetrating... he is nearly 200years old, young by elven standards...his slender body chisled to perfection from years of extensive training... he carries to scimitars, one glows an etheral blue when danger is present... see i havent said but a few lines and already you know what drizzt looks like... its things like this that are going to bring your characters to life... and the environments are just as important... when i first began reading i had no clue what the story was about and began picturing her as a young asian girl living in china or something... till i found out she was in space... i think its important to establish where you are from the beginning so you can follow easier... as the first line of one of my favorite series goes..."The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed..."which by the way is the opening line for the dark tower series by Stephen King...deffinitly my favorite of his books... in fact the only books of his i have read all the way...

anyhow, i went as hard as i could on ya, only cause you got a great gift and with serious critisism will we propser... deffinitly keep me posted with the rest

p.s. i corrected the spelling in my sig... thanks...lol

MetaMan
07-24-2003, 11:57 PM
I read a little of your story earlier, Banshee. So far, so good. I'll read the rest tomorrow (it's gettin' kinda late and hard to concentrate) and give you a crit.

banshee
07-25-2003, 01:12 AM
thanks u guys! Mike made me realise that I shld specify that I spell things the English way LOL so realise vs. realize, Things like that. Actually I dont know whether I shld spell it American or not, I do want to send it to a publisher but can be on both sides of the Atlantic.

gosh, I really appreciate your guys efforts in taking a peek at my stuff, I know how bz y'all are!

No worries Meta :) Btw Cuddly had a peek at your Hulk scripts and he liked what he saw. See, you are a talented writer!!!! :D

Y2Jenn
07-25-2003, 11:35 AM
Banshee,
I'm so sorry that it took me this long to read it and to leave a comment. Its hard to take the time to read such a in depth piece when I've got a screaming munchkin to take care of!
You've definately have a knack for letting the reader know just where they are and who it is that telling the story. I enjoyed it quite a bit.
Looks as though someone has already pointed out all the little things that I noticed. 'Course these are the things that us writers would one day have an editor for! ;)
I loved it. I hope to read more by ya!!!

MetaMan
07-25-2003, 05:28 PM
No worries Meta Btw Cuddly had a peek at your Hulk scripts and he liked what he saw. See, you are a talented writer!!!!

Thanks, Banshee. You and Cuddly would probably make a good team in the industry one day. I haven't posted anything for 'Hulk' or "The Girls", since I've been helping out with the PJU script. But I did get back to writing The Girls earlier this week and I should be posting something soon w/ some more Hulk stories.

banshee
07-25-2003, 08:50 PM
How old is your litttle one Jenn? I have twin boys who are almost a year old. I can totally relate where your munchkins take up your time!

thanks for the comments, Jenn. Yeah this is a bit more involved than c&c scripts though. hehehe I must get to writing a script soon too.

Cool beans, Meta :) looking fwd to seeing your new pieces, it will be a treat! Us make a good team? I hope so. It will be a blast if we could and if things work, we can be at home with our kids. He does miss out and feels it but hey, someone's got to bring home the $$ huh?

later days!

banshee
07-25-2003, 10:06 PM
Ok, posted chapter two :)

http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=34788

I am keeping y'all bz MUAHAHHAHAAAAAA (Cackle and then coughs ack..)

later days
B

banshee
07-26-2003, 08:25 AM
oh btw Meta, in your sig, isnt it bellyachers, not beyllyachers?

just noticed LOL

later days
lia

beejunk
07-31-2003, 08:57 PM
Hey Banshee, sorry it took so long to post replies to your stories. It's been a hectic week, and I haven't been able to just sit down and read.

I really like your story. It's obvious you understand and sympathize deeply with your characters, and the plot is fascinating. I can already get a sense of the detailed history you've created.

Since Cabralsoth pointed out most of the technical errors that slipped by, I'll just confine my crits to more stylistic suggestions. Which basically means you can take everything I say with a grain of salt. :)

The first thing I noticed about your writing is that a lot of your sentences seem too long, a few of them even dangling on the edge of becoming run-ons. For instance:

-She had the deep auburn hair and catlike green almond-shaped eyes of the Naga Family, long limbed and supple, her skin cinnamon in colour.

-"I understand that you lead an entire squadron, your Highness, may I ask what sort of squadron it is?"

-She was in the midst of asking him regarding his own family and also mentioning that he would probably meet her other siblings at a private function at a later date when a gong for silence could be heard.

-"She’s so quiet and reserved, our court tutor sometimes despairs of her but I love her the way she is, unaffected.

The first two examples are not necessarily too long, they just change directions awkwardly. This can be confusing, as in the first sentence, where it almost seems like you might be describing her eyes as being long and supple. As for the second example, it just shifts too abruptly, especially since you don't use any conjunctions to connect the two phrases. The last two examples are definately run-on sentences with too many fragments attached together with commas. It would probably flow better if these sentences were split up a little.

Another thing I noticed is that there are some extended passages where the dialogue is 'described' rather than written as actual speech. Like this:

As Al’mi suggested a Council meeting the next day to work out the details of the mission and a data disk would be sent to her with their proposal later, she agreed, knowing that at least the main purpose of her visit was achieved. Azar, his Consort, then suggested that a tour of Havenia could also be introduced into their schedule at their convenience. Liianna agreed feeling curious about this place, especially its political and culture thinking, having only sketchy notes previously. Azar also suggested a private dinner tomorrow night between the two families, regretting that they didn’t have any opportunity to introduce all of the Patriarch’s children to them at this function. Liianna asked if she could confirm the dinner later, citing the uncertainty of the time needed for their meeting tomorrow. Azar smiled and said that it was not a problem and reassured her that Liianna may confirm or delay the dinner anytime during the day. Natalia then asked Azar regarding her children. Liianna was pleased that her youngest daughter was making an effort at conversation and was also delighted to note her son’s relaxed face as he conversed with El’se, although El’se answered him rather distractedly.

The danger of doing something like this is that the narrative starts to sound more like a summary than a story. It even takes on a documentary feel, as if you were describing the characters in the same way you might describe the actions of lions on a National Geographic special. ("Now the male lion circles around and gives a ferocious roar, letting the monkey know who is king of this jungle. Then the furry matriarch settles down to a nice nap while the female members of the pride stalk off to do all the actual work." And so on. :) )

Another thing is that some of your dialogue starts in mid paragraph. This is not a problem if you're just continuing something a character has already started saying. However whenever the dialogue switches characters, you should almost always begin a new paragraph.

One last thing. A very small ammount of your descriptive sentences seem too conversational, like this:

-The Tropocos system was a collection of planets and moons, well colonised and pretty
self-sufficient.

When describing things in this somewhat informal way, it breaks the flow of the narrative. Since this is a purely descriptive sentence, it is probably better to leave out the 'pretty' and just say 'self-sufficient'. This is similar to what Cabralsoth said about just saying 'two' as opposed to 'one or two' (referring to the part where El'se was leaving the dining hall, I think)

And that's my two cents. :) Great story, and I'll start reading the second chapter as soon as possible.

banshee
07-31-2003, 09:18 PM
thank u Beejunk for taking the time to crit my work, I know it's harder to crit than a script, due to its detail.

Yeah, my first chapter was a lesson, I think I got better as chapters went on. I did ramble some and upon several readings later, I did try and ammend what I thought needed work. Seems like I needed more LOL

I didnt do the layout properly, as in spread the dialogue out nicely etc etc I only wanted to do that when all was done ya know? not sure if that makes sense.

Cool beans, thanks again beejunk! Looking fwd to seeing more from you too!

later days
B