Web Comic - The Last Day

[Dream Caller]

Hello all,

A few months ago I posted a biography for one of the characters of a web comic I'm creating called "The Last Day." I've been diligently working on strips (and even managed to find an artist, woohoo!) so I think now I am ready for some critiques on the actual comic itself. Since I posted the bio sometime in April, I think a refresher on my story is in order.

The Last Day is a fantasy story with a few modern-day / sci-fi elements thrown in. At its heart, it’s a "Kid in King Arthur's Court" style story, a genre which hasn't had very many good stories in my opinion. Usually the story goes something like this: kid gets transported to the past; kid wows the peasants with his CD player and advanced knowledge of medicine/physics/thermodynamics; kid goes home.

In my story, Justin (an average kid from Vermont) is transported to a fantasy-esque planet far away from Earth. He doesn't have a backpack full of futuristic gear; he has a half-used matchbook and some smoke bombs ~ hardly an impressive arsenal in the magic-rich environment he finds himself. Justin isn’t stupid, but he won’t be teaching the locals how to make gunpowder either. Young Justin discovers that on this planet a mad-man has begun a ritual that will drain all magic from the universe, granting him unimaginable power but killing all of existence in its wake. Justin learns that an ancient prophecy foretold the end of this ritual, the Last Day. Not only is the Last Day a scant 25 days away, it is prophesized that Justin will play a role in the events that transpire. Here's the prophecy, for a little clarification:

A hero shall rise
In jester's guise
At the time of our greatest need,
He shall test his fate
At evil's gate
But victory is not guaranteed.

When armies collide
And much of the universe has died
Our world shall be engulfed by fire,
When even the gods hold no sway
On the Last Day
All hope shall rest with a Liar.

I wrote about 60 strips for the Last Day (each strip is 10 panels to be split between two pages) before I even knew there was a comic writing format. I hit 112 strips the other day, (which equals 224 comic pages) so I don’t have any plans to make a changeover. But, while what I post here won't follow traditional rules, it should be just as easy to understand. That said, I'll have to wait until tonight before I can post anything. At that time I'll stick the prologue of my story in this thread (an 8-page section that introduces Justin's character). I'd like to thank everyone in advance for critiques on the strips or just my story in general.... So thanks!

DC

[Dream Caller]

Ok, here are the first four strips of my comic. Be cruel.

DC


Comic 001 “Price Check”

Panel 1 – Justin is walking towards school. He has his eyes closed and is doing a little dance as he moves. It looks like he is listening to a walkman, but he doesn’t have one.

Justin – Working on the price check, prices goin’ down down…

Panel 2 – Justin has just bumped into a kid who is a good six inches taller and a lot larger than him.

Justin – Working on the price… uff!

George – Hey!

Panel 3 – View is over Justin’s shoulder. He is standing in front of the large George and his two smaller lackeys, Tom and Buck.

George – Why don’t you watch where you’re going, Wil-mot.

Justin – Hiya, Georgie! You’re looking especially gregarious this morning.

Panel 4 – George is angry, he has lifted Justin off the ground by his jersey. This is a large panel; the next three panels (5, 6 & 7) are inside this panel at the bottom.

George – What did you call me, Wil-mot?

Justin – George, look. Can we cut to the chase here? We all know how this is going to turn out. You’ll say, “give me your lunch money,” and I’ll say, “I brown bag it,” and you’ll say, “then give me that,” and I’ll say “but I thought you were allergic to tuna,” and you’ll say, “no I’m not” and back and forth until our little dance ends with me throwing a smoke bomb down your shirt.

George – It ends with what?

Panel 5 – Close-up of Justin’s hands half in his pockets, he has a match and smoke bomb each in a hand.

Panel 6 – Close-up of Justin’s hands, he is flicking the match on the ball part of the smoke bomb. The match is now lit.

Panel 7 – Close-up of Justin’s hands. He is lighting the smoke bomb.

Panel 8 – Justin has one hand pulling the collar of George’s shirt down, and the other is dropping the lit smoke bomb in the gap. George looks surprised.

Justin – See, isn’t this much faster? Hell, I won’t even be late for first period.

Panel 9 – Justin is running past the three bullies. George is flailing around, smoke billowing from every opening in his shirt. Tom and Buck are trying to help him. Tom is taking George’s forearm to his nose.

George – Get it out! Get it out!

Justin – This was fun. Let’s do it again some time, ok?

Panel 10 – George is throwing the smoke bomb down on the ground. Some smoke is still coming out of his shirt. Justin is running into the entrance to the school. Tom is on the ground, holding his nose.

George – I’m gonna kick your ass, Wilmot!


Comic 002 “Alas, Poor Justin”

Panel 1 – View of Justin and Allison sitting and talking in a classroom with other students. Class has yet to start so the other students are also talking. Justin has his hands behind the back of his head and is leaning back in his chair.

Justin –You should have seen the look on his face. Ha ha ha! I think he broke Tom’s nose!

Allison – Justin, are you crazy? He’s much bigger than you. Besides that, Principal Claymore already warned you about your little arsonist collection. You could get a suspension and an ass-kicking all in one day.

Panel 2 – Justin is waving has hand in dismissal.

Justin – Allison, you worry too much.

Panel 3 – View is over the shoulder of Mrs. Driskell. She is speaking to her students from the front of the classroom. Several students have their hands raised, including Allison. Justin looks uninterested.

Mrs. Driskell – All right class, today we will begin reading William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, so open your books to the 1st Act. Are there any reading volunteers? Yes, Mr. Flynn you can play the part of Barnardo and yes, Ms. Stein, how about you play Francisco. Lets see, Mr. Taylor, you can be Horatio and Allison, why don’t you read for Marcellus? Okay, whenever you are ready Mr. Flynn.

Panel 4.1 – Panel is cut into three smaller panels. The first shows a close-up of Justin, attentive.

Joe Flynn – Who’s there?

Panel 4.2 – Justin looks drowsy.

Ethan Taylor – Friends to this ground.

Panel 4.3 – Justin is asleep.

Allison – Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!

Panel 5 – Mrs. Driskell is yelling at Justin and pointing at the door. Justin is wide-eyed from being “yelled awake.”

Mrs. Driskell – MR. WILMOT! If you are incapable of finding entertainment from one of history’s finest plays then perhaps you can find it in detention! Go to the principal’s office at once!

Panel 6 – Justin is walking in the hall, Tom and Buck are walking towards him. Buck has one hand massaging his fist.

Buck – Hey there, Wilmot. We were hoping you’d get out of class early again.

Justin – Hiya Buck. Say Tom, how’s the nose?

Tom – I’m gonna enjoy this, Wilmot.

Panel 7 – Justin has thrown his copy of Hamlet and it has landed firmly on Buck’s nose. Buck is taken aback and Tom has already started running forward.

Justin – I’d love to chat, but you know how Claymore can be…

Panel 8 – Justin is running down the hall; Tom and Buck are running after him. Buck is running while holding his nose.

Panel 9 – Justin is running around the corner, looking behind. George is around the corner with his arm back, ready too punch.

Panel 10 – Justin getting decked by George.


Comic 003 “5-Day Weekend”

Panel 1 – View is from just outside Principal Claymore’s office. Buck, Tom and George are all sitting in chairs outside the door. Buck and Tom are holding their noses. Principal Claymore’s dialogue is coming from inside the office.

Claymore – Justin, I just don’t know what I’m going to do with you.

Panel 2 – Front view of Principal Claymore sitting at his desk. Justin is in a chair opposite him.

Claymore – I’ve already warned you about matches on school grounds and it is completely unacceptable to throw your schoolbooks at other students…

Panel 3 – Justin leaning forward in his chair, excited.

Justin – Did I break Buck’s nose?

Claymore – No, but that’s beside the…

Panel 4 – Justin leaning back in his chair, disappointed.

Justin – Damn. I knew I should have gotten one of the hardback editions.

Claymore – Justin, I’m suspending you for three days.

Panel 5 – Justin leaning forward in his chair again.

Justin – WHAT?! You can’t do that! George started it! He…

Claymore – My hands are tied. It’s school policy to suspend all parties involved in an altercation.

Justin – But that’s not fair! It was three against one!

Claymore – They will be suspended as well. Now, Justin, I don’t want to see you back at school until Monday. Perhaps your extended weekend will give you enough time to get your priorities in order.

Panel 6 – Justin is walking out of Claymore’s office, closing the door. He is giving dirty looks to the three bullies who are doing the same to him.

Panel 7 – Justin is walking out into the hall. Allison is waiting for him.

Allison – How bad is it?

Justin – I’m suspended till Monday.

Allison – Suspended!? Your mom’s going to kill you!

Panel 8 – Front view of Justin and Allison walking down the hall.

Justin – Nah, for the first time in my life I can honestly say it’s not my fault.

Allison – Not your fault? I told you the smoke bomb wasn’t a good idea.

Justin – And giving him my lunch money was?

Panel 9 – Side view of Justin and Allison walking down the hall.

Allison – I suppose not. I still can’t believe you got suspended on a Tuesday. The week isn’t even half over and you’re already in trouble. Do you think you’ll manage to dig yourself an even deeper hole by Monday?

Panel 10 – View is behind the two. Justin has one hand on Allison’s backpack and the other raised, for emphasis. They are approaching the exit of the school.

Justin – The week is young, my dear. The week is young…


Comic 004 “A Deeper Hole”

Panel 1 – It is dusk. Justin is sitting on the roof of his house (to the right of a window), tossing pebbles into an aluminum trashcan (off-panel) with a clang.

Panel 2 – Justin’s Mom is leaning outside the window, looking at Justin. Another clang.

Justin’s Mom – There you are. Is everything okay? You usually only come out here when you’re upset.

Panel 3 – Same view as above. Clang.

Justin – Promise you won’t get mad?

Justin’s Mom – I promise.

Panel 4 – Justin looking at his mom.

Justin – I might have gotten in a fight at school today and there’s a slight chance I was suspended for three days.

Justin’s Mom – Justin Lee Wilm… Okay. Ahem. Okay. I promised I wouldn’t get mad. Why might you have gotten in a fight, dear?

Panel 5 – Same as above. Justin’s mom looks concerned.

Justin – Well, this bully at school and his two friends jumped me.

Justin’s Mom – Jumped you? Did you do anything to provoke them?

Justin – Mom, their bullies. My existence seems to provoke them.

Justin’s Mom – What did Allison say about all this?

Justin – Oh! She was totally on my side! Well except about the smoke bomb… but I even got her to agree that was necessary.

Justin’s Mom – Hmm… Lord knows her head is on straighter than yours. I can’t imagine what she sees in you.

Justin – Gee, thanks, mom.

Panel 6 – View of Justin’s mom, smiling.

Justin’s Mom – Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. You can tell me why I shouldn’t ground you for a month then. I’m sure your father will love to hear it too. You always tell the most interesting stories.

Panel 7 – Justin is standing, throwing another pebble, instead of a clang the rock makes a “Vip” sound.

Justin – Vip?

Panel 8 – Justin’s roof is ethereal and he is starting to fall through it. His neighborhood is also ethereal. Ethereal trees are everywhere, mixed in with his house, where they shouldn’t be.

Justin – Ahhh!

Panel 9 – Justin is on his back on a dirt road with trees all around.

Justin – Ow…

Panel 10 – View from behind Justin. He is sitting at the edge of a forest, rubbing his head. About ¼ of mile up a dirt road is the massive Arioc castle.

Justin – What the hell…

[banshee]

hii dreamcaller! welcome to the writersdesk!!!!

it's rather late when I was browsing here but I will get to c&c tomorrow ok?

great to see ur contributions!

later days
B

[Vendetta]

Page 1, Panel 1
You really need an establishing shot here to let us know where we are. Is the kid just outside of the school, half way to school, in mid town traffic, downtown, just outside of his house in the suburbs on his way… where… sure, we find out where as we read but from the moment we see the first panel, your audience is formulating opinions and ideas of their own. So, you want to control as much of that as you can and an establishing shot will help. The artist will do this most likely, but you really shouldn’t just leave it up to his/her interpretation but give the artist a full account of where the kid is and what is around him.

Page 1, Panel 4
So, what is Justin wearing? AH here it is in panel four. :D It’s a good idea to give the description of what the characters are wearing or look like when ever we first would see them. That way your artist doesn’t have to go looking for the descriptions throughout your script. What you don’t tell the artist, he or she will make up… don’t leave things to chance. (also, what jersey is Justin wearing? Football? Baseball? Hockey? What team?)

Also, in panel four, Justin says an awful lot in one balloon. You should break it up and also be aware of the constraints of the panel. This is something you need to be very aware of. You have this separated into 10 panel “strips” as it is here but translating them into pages could prove very difficult. You NEED to be aware of just how much is going to be on a given page and how much action will need to be shown. This would be a great panel to end page 1 with, I think but that is going to be something you will have to decide. You cannot just split each of your “strips” into two pages and have it have the full impact that it is capable of. In fact, you may split 2 “strips” into 3 to 5 (or more) comic book pages. As I am maturing and learning as a comic book writer, I am learning to visualize my pages as a whole. I try to think of a page in the terms of what I want to be revealed on a given page. It’s a blend of action and content that I still don’t always get when I’m writing. So, just be aware of the page layouts when you start translating this to a script format for your artist.

Page 1, Panel 9
It’s a small note, but make sure that when we first see George that you describe him having his shirt tucked in… if it is not, the smoke bomb would just drop out to the ground.

Page 2, Panel 1
Just a suggestion but maybe you could use a panel or two of George loosing Justin somewhere in the school just to tell the story a bit more clearly without it jumping around and making us think we missed some of the action. You can really show some of the wiliness of Justin by how he “gets away” from the thugs.

Page 2, Panel 3
Again, the teacher has a very large amount of dialogue for a single balloon. I’m not going to harp on this again. Just be aware. 20 or so words makes a pretty full balloon and 45 words makes a pretty full panel. Obviously, it depends on the size of the panel and what you are trying to show in the art. Be sure to help your artist know what you are thinking in terms of visualization for these kinds of things. (as long as you are using a panel method of scripting. If you use the “Marvel” way with a page description and dialogue letting the artist visualize the page, then you won’t have to fuss over every detail in the panels… but also loose more control of those panels.)

Page 2, Panel 4
I like this panel. It takes Justin about two pages into Hamlet before he is falling asleep. Might I suggest you use a different line than Horatio’s “Friend to this ground” which would seem to actually be the answering line to Bernardo’s opening line of “Who’s there”, when it actually comes 15 lines later. The two would seem to come right after each other when the third is obviously later as it doesn’t make sense with the first two. Right now, to me, it seems that Justin goes from attentive to drowsy in about one second because the line “could have” come after the first. Maybe “And liegeman to the Dane” could work for you?

The only other suggestion I might make to you is to use a play that might foreshadow more. Granted, I’ve not read your whole story, just the plot outline you gave in the first post, but it seems to me that Hamlet have very little to do with your story. Perhaps there isn’t something out there that you could use for a good foreshadowing but maybe. (and maybe you have already tried or know what aspect of Hamlet you are shooting at)

Page 2, Panel 6
I’d really like to know what Justin’s expression is in this panel before meeting the two boys in the hall. I think it would give us a great deal of insight into his character.

Page 3, Panel 1
One convention is to use (OP) after a character’s name when they are speaking from Off Panel. Though, a lot of the conventions have been left behind as comics are moving along (like numbering the captions and lines) Still, I try to use as many of them as I can just to help clear up any confusion. Its easier to not use them after learning to than to try to pick them up later on if you need to. (Who knows what your future editor will like or dislike in his/her scripts)

Page 4, Panel 1
I’m not sure that having the trash can off panel is a good idea. We can’t really “hear” the clanking of the rock against the can, just someone’s interpretation of what it might sound like in letters. For all we know, Justin could be throwing rocks through the neighbor’s window.

Oh… and use SFX: and then write your “sound.” Don’t just leave it in the panel description. You want to make sure your artist remembers to leave space in the art for the letters.

Page 1, Panel 5
Small note; Justin’s second line in this panel should be “they’re” not “their.”

You also have seven different balloons on this panel that alternate between the two characters… that could pose some problems.

Good stuff so far. Interesting boy this Justin. He does seem much smarter than you give him credit for in your description of him. Your “He wont be teaching anyone how to make gunpowder” line, after reading the script makes me think that he wont teach them not because he doesn’t know how but because he doesn’t want to be giving away some of his advantages.

Anyway, that’s a few quick notes that I saw here. Hope you don’t mind. I certainly don’t want to anger you and they are just my thoughts and the intention was to help.

[Dream Caller]

No anger here Vendetta, I'm grateful for your input. I’ve noticed that the longer you work on something, the more open you are to criticism. I’ve been working on the Last Day for close to 2 years, so I’m about as open as I can be. I’m also glad that a few of the things you pointed out I was already aware of (especially my lack of SFX… I really need to fix that) A few notes on your notes:

Character descriptions. I have met with my artist (and will continue to meet) to work on the looks of the important characters (though ones such as Mrs. Driskell and Principal Claymore I am likely to let the artist do what she will). Justin is 5’10” with spiky red hair and green eyes. He’s slim for his height, but not scrawny. He wears a white baseball jersey with orange trim, with “Hawaii” written in cursive on the front and “BACON” and the number “8” on the back. He wears blue jeans and white high-top sneakers.

Page layout. 10 panels equaling 2 pages is something of a “perfect scenario.” Since the comic will be posted on the web, we don’t necessarily have to follow any size constraints at all. However, I hope to have the comic printed eventually, so we’re going to try the “2-page” method and see how it works. Since I am long-winded in some of the panels, we may have to try something else.

Hamlet. I will definitely change this as per your suggestion. I actually wasn’t very picky with the lines I took; I just wanted to be sure that Justin falls asleep very early into the first act. As for why I chose Hamlet, it has nothing to do with the story, I simply wanted to choose something that Justin would likely be reading as a junior in high school. I could try to foreshadow with a specific book, but this is just the prologue and I have plenty of foreshadowing later.

Justin’s intelligence. Justin isn’t stupid, he’s quite intelligent actually. However, he won’t be teaching the natives how to make gunpowder because a 16 year-old isn’t likely to know how to make it.

Thanks again for your input. This is the first comic I have ever written (and I keep wanting to try to write it like a movie script) so I’m going to need all the help I can get.

DC

[Vendetta]

not exactly sure on the details of your plot, but I might suggest "A Midsummer's Night Dream" with the mischeivious Puck or if your story is a bit more "fun" the mistaken identity classic "A Comedy of Errors" I might also suggest "Twelfth Night" except for the fact that I have never read it but the "hero" is not who "he" seems to be...

Then... there is "The Tempist" which begins with a shipwreck (ah, so does Twelfth Night") and features a group of people in a land they were not ment to be in with shakespeares only TRULY EVIL character in Calibahn. God... there is so many good stories that have elements that could work.

as to the gunpowder thing... sixteen is plenty old enough... he seems like the type to have downloaded the "anarchist cookbook" by now and has probably tried half a dozen of the things in there. You might actually want to consider getting a copy of that yourself and using some of that in your own story as Justin begins using things that were once nothing more than fanciful fun in life or death situations.

naturally, its your story and these are just suggestions.

[banshee]

ven pretty much said it all.

Hmm... the Tempest wld be nice, it's quite a "plots and subplots" kinda play. And it has scenes where violent storms or explosions are very much a part of the drama.

Funky! Look fwd to seeing more :)

later days
B

[Dream Caller]

Thanks for the help, though if I were to change the play it would probably be to Macbeth or maybe Romeo and Juliet as they are standard reading for high school. I'm not a big fan of foreshadowing with coincidence anyway (boy reads play, things happen to boy like things that happen in play). Since one of my characters is clairvoyant, I think the reader will have plenty of instances of foreshadowing already. The Tempest would be an interesting choice, but one of my characters is named Tempest...

I'll concede that Justin (as I have written him) would probably know how to make gunpowder. Justin's knowledge was never really my point though. I was saying that I don't like it when characters "go back in time" and they have excessive advantages due to the duffel bag of goodies they had with them. The gunpowder example is from Army of Darkness, where Bruce Campbell had a physics book in the trunk of his car (and teaches the locals to make gunpowder). Sure, Justin may know how to make gunpowder, but its not going to help him much (if at all).

Thanks again for your help, I will probably post some more strips later. The story takes a left turn from here, and I’d appreciate some opinions about it.

DC

[Dream Caller]

Hello again. Here are the next four strips of my comic. These introduce several new characters, as well as finally taking place on the world that is the setting for my story. I would appreciate any comments/critiques.

DC


Comic 005 “Locke and Winch”

Panel 1 – View of the main gates of Arioc castle. Castle guards Locke and Winch are standing on either side of the gates. Locke is tall and thin while Winch is short and stocky. The drawbridge is down, the gates are open and the portcullis is up.

Locke – Look at us. We’re a pair, we are. I’m skin and bones and you… well you…

Winch – Don’t EVEN say it!

Panel 2 – Close-up of Locke.

Locke – You look like you been eatin’ my meals you do.

Panel 3 – View of an irate Winch standing next to an indifferent Locke. Locke is not facing him, but looking forward.

Winch – Albert, you scrawny…

Locke – Would you look at that. I didn’t know ‘air could do that.

Panel 4 – Front view of Justin walking on the drawbridge, looking around. He looks a little confused.

Panel 5 – Front view of Locke and Winch. Winch is leaning forward.

Winch – Hmm… He looks suspicious. Where do you think he’s from?

Locke – ‘ow am I supposed to know? I never go anywhere; I’m always stuck ‘ere with you.

Panel 6 – Locke is rolling his eyes and Winch is running forward.

Winch – You there! Halt!

Locke – ‘ere we go…

Panel 7 – Overhead view of Locke and Winch running towards Justin.

Justin – Wha… who me?

Locke – No, the red’eaded porcupine be’ind you.

Panel 8 – Side view of Justin standing in front of Locke and Winch. Locke is looking at Winch.

Winch – What’s your business here, boy?

Justin – Um… I don’t know…

Locke – Not vague atall, is ‘e?

Panel 9 – Locke is still looking at Winch, now rolling his eyes. Winch has his spear pointing at Justin.

Winch – Vague enough to be a spy! Raise your arms, spy!

Panel 10 – Close-up view of Justin with his arms up.

Justin – Great…


Comic 006 “The Seer”

Panel 1 – Side view of the Seer walking down a stone hallway. She walks with her eyes closed.

Panel 2 – View from behind the Seer. She is walking through two large wooden doors. The doors are being held open by guards with spears. Inside King Stephen is sitting on his throne, and General Fellona Dysart standing on his left.

Panel 3 – Side view of the Seer kneeling before the King.

The Seer – You sent for me, my lord?

King Stephen - As I recall, it was you that arranged this little meeting, Seer.

Panel 4 – Close-up of the Seer, her head is slightly down and her eyes still closed.

The Seer - Forgive me, my lord. I merely arranged that which you would have done so yourself tomorrow.

Panel 5 – Close-up of King Stephen, his left eyebrow is raised.

King Stephen - Sometimes you are quite unnerving, Phoenix. What news do you bring?

Panel 6 – Close-up of the Seer, her head is raised towards the king and her eyes are wide open.

The Seer - The Chosen One has arrived.

Panel 7 – Side view of throne room again. King Stephen is standing, his right hand still on his thrown. The Seer hasn’t moved from her kneeling position.

King Stephen - What!? He is here?

The Seer - He stands before the main gate as we speak, my lord.

Panel 8 – Close-up side view of the king and Fellona. Stephen is looking back at her and she is looking at him.

King Stephen - Fellona, you must fetch him at once.

Fellona - Yes my lord. Seer, Can you tell me what the Chosen One looks like?

Panel 9 – Close-up of the Seer, her head is up and her eyes are open.

The Seer - Forgive me General, but I have a feeling that you will have little trouble identifying him.

Panel 10 – Back at the front gates of Arioc Castle. Justin has his hands tied behind his back. He is biting Winch’s arm and kicking Locke in the groin.

Locke – Uff!

Winch – Ahh!! Let go of my arm you spiky-haired little freak!


Comic 007 “Captain of the Guard”

Panel 1 – View from outside the throne room. The guards are opening the double doors and Fellona is walking through. Captain Nestor Gaunt, a man with short red hair and heavy armor, is waiting for her.

Nestor – What did the Seer have to say, General?

Fellona – I told you, Nestor, you needn’t stand on formality with me.

Panel 2 – Side view of Fellona and Nestor walking together down the same stone hallway the Seer walked through before.

Nestor – What would my father think of me if I did not?

Panel 3 – Fellona has stopped and is looking at Nestor.

Fellona – Sir Gaunt would certainly be more interested as to why you suddenly appear every time I exit the throne room. He didn’t tell you to keep an eye on me, did he?

Nestor – A paladin ordering his son to spy on a lady? Surely you jest!

Panel 4 – Fellona and Nestor walking again. Nestor looks surprised.

Fellona – In any case, the Seer has informed the King that the Chosen One has arrived at Arioc.

Nestor – Really!? Then the prophecy will come to pass.

Fellona – Don’t rest your dreams on fortune telling, Nestor. Besides, this particular prophecy makes no promises.

Panel 5 – Same as above. Nestor looks whimsical.

Nestor – Hmph. You seem to have given up on hope, Fellona. Well, fear not. I shall be optimistic for the both of us!

Panel 6 – Fellona and Nestor walking again. They are almost at the inner keep’s main doors.

Fellona – Has Lord Erinstar arrived?

Nestor – Yes, this morning, still no sign of the elves though. Are you sure they will even show? It’s no secret they aren’t fond of the nereans…

Fellona – King Ravern is a good man. His respect for King Stephen will outweigh his dislike of Neremore.

Nestor – I hope you are right. We’re going to need all the help we can get.

Fellona – You have no idea…

Panel 7 – Fellona and Nestor have stopped.

Nestor – My father has told me plenty. Speaking of which, he waits for me, in the library of all places; I must go.

Panel 8 – Nestor and Fellona are shaking hands.

Fellona – Farewell, Nestor.

Nestor – Farewell, General.

Panel 9 – Nestor is walking away, with his hand raised and his back to Fellona. Fellona is making an unhappy face at Nestor calling her “General” again.

Nestor – Ladies should not make such faces, General. Besides, “Farewell, Fellona” sounds like a drunken bard’s ballad.

Panel 10 – The guards at the entrance of the keep have opened the doors. Fellona is walking through and the city of Arioc can be seen.


Comic 008 “Arioc’s Most Wanted”

Panel 1 – Side view of Justin. He has his hands tied behind his back and is running through the Arioc marketplace. Various people are tending to their business, or watching the conspicuous teenager.

Panel 2 – Front view of Locke and Winch running through the market. Winch is pointing ahead.

Winch – There he is!

Panel 3 – Front view of Justin. He is still running, looking over his shoulder to see that Locke and Winch are still after him.

Panel 4 – Side view of Justin running into Fellona, his head still turned behind him.

Justin – Uff!

Panel 5 – View is from behind Justin, angled up at Fellona. Justin is on his butt, sitting in front of her and she is looking down at him with a raised eyebrow.

Panel 6 – Side view of the four. Locke and Winch have finally caught up, they are standing behind Justin, who is still on the ground. Locke looks worried and Winch is looking angrily at Justin.

Winch – We are so very sorry, my lady. Pay him no mind. We’ll have him in the stocks for this.

Fellona – It’s all right, Winch. What is your name boy?

Justin – Justin…

Fellona – And where do you come from, Justin?

Justin – Umm, Vermont.

Panel 8 – Close-up of Fellona, she is looking at something behind Locke and Winch.

Fellona – Vermont…

Panel 9 – View is over Fellona’s shoulder. There is man in a brown cloak, watching them from behind a vendor’s stand.

Fellona – Winch, Locke, untie him and take him to the Seer’s tower immediately. I will join you there shortly.

Panel 10 – Fellona is starting to run towards the man in the cloak. Locke and Winch are both watching her run away.

Locke – M’lady?

[banshee]

ok I am behind in reviews again. Boys were grumbly today, ugh the joys of teething. But I digress..

Just a couple of impressions Locke and Winch's English, it swings btwn modern and old english. Since its in the vernacular, I suggest you fine tune it a lil bit.

Not sure if they'd use 'vague', being of the lower echelons (is that how u spell it?) of society. That's just a lil gripe.

Thats all really. I like it for the most part.

keep em coming!
B