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cs3ink
06-26-2003, 01:03 PM
What's Called "Memberings"

By Chip Skelton


PAGE 1 (6 Panels)

PANEL 1: A bird's eye shot of my neighborhood with my house just off-center left (I'll provide all necessary reference). My house is on a corner lot. I can be seen stepping out of my front door. I look nothing like anyone remotely famous, but, again, I'll provide reference.

ME (No Tail): I'LL BE BACK SOON.

ME (NT): I JUST NEED TO BE ALONE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.


PANEL 2: A roof-high shot from across the street from the front of my house. I am on the sidewalk, having turned left toward the corner, where the sidewalk turns left as well. I am smoking a cigar. I have turned to look back at my front door as my 5 year old daughter, Asia, is running out across the yard toward me. She has left the front door wide open.

ASIA: DADDY! DADDY!

ASIA: WAIT FOR ME!


PANEL 3: A ground-level shot looking at us from the corner. We are about ten feet away. Asia has taken my left hand in both of her's and is looking up earnestly at me. If the detail allows, I should look like I've been crying.

ASIA: WHATCHA DOING?

ASIA: WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?

ME: DADDY WANTS TO BE ALONE, MONKEY. I'M GOING FOR A WALK BY MYSELF. WHY DON'T YOU--


PANEL 4: A shot from my perspective looking down at my 5 year old. Asia is looking up at me with eager puppy dog eyes, completely oblivious to my intentions.

ASIA: CAN I COME, TOO?


PANEL 5: A shot from Asia's point of view. My eyes are a little puffy, and I look haggard. Despite this, I look pleasantly nonplussed.

ME: ...


PANEL 6: A shot from behind us, as we begin walking toward the corner, Asia holding my left hand.

ME: SURE, KIDDO. LET'S GO FOR A WALK.


PAGE 2 (6 Panels)


PANEL 1: We have rounded the corner, still holding hands. This is another across the street shot, only now the shot is across the street from the side of our house (since we have rounded the corner). My cigar is hanging from my mouth, as I look straight ahead. Asia is looking up at me.

NO DIALOGUE


PANEL 2: A shot from in front of us. Asia is still looking up at me. I am still looking straight ahead.

ASIA: WHY WERE YOU CRYING, DADDY? I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU CRY.

ME: I'M SAD BECAUSE MY GRANDMOTHER...

ASIA: GRAND-MANA?

ME: YES, SWEATHEART, GRAND-MANA. SHE WENT TO HEAVEN TODAY.


PANEL 3: Another shot of us walking hand in hand. We are both looking ahead.

NO DIALOGUE


PANEL 4: Asia is looking up at me. This time I am looking back at her.

ASIA: ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT GRAND-MANA?

ME: I'M THINKING OF ALL THE MEMORIES I HAVE OF HER.


PANEL 5: A tree top shot from in front of us. We're both looking straight ahead. I am taking another puff of my cigar.

NO DIALOGUE


PANEL 6: A close-up of Asia looking up at me. She looks curious.

ASIA: DADDY?

ME (OP): WHAT, ASIA?

ASIA: DADDY, WHAT'S CALLED "MEMOR-"... "MEM-"... UH, "MEMBERINGS"?


PAGE 3 (5 Panels)


PANEL 1: I've taken the cigar from my mouth. A waist-high shot of us walking toward the viewer. I am looking down at my daughter tenderly. She is looking up inquisitively at me.

ME: WHAT DO YOU REMEMBER ABOUT JAZZ?

ASIA: SHE WAS MINE AND MOMMY'S DOG?

ASIA: SHE WENT TO HEAVEN, TOO.


PANEL 2: A shot from across the street of the next turn in the sidewalk (left again). The cigar is back in my mouth, as I take a draw. Asia is looking up as she talks.

ASIA: SHE BARKED REALLY, REALLY LOUD. AND SHE HAD A WET NOSE.

ASIA: BOY, SHE LOVED TO POP BALLOONS.


PANEL 3: A shot from behind us. Asia is smiling as she looks up at me. I am looking down at her, smiling as well. The cigar is still in my mouth.

ASIA: AND... AND...

ASIA: SHE WENT ON WALKS WITH US. HER FUR WAS SO SOFT.


PANEL 4: I am running my hand through her hair, as I continue to look down at her. I've removed the cigar from my mouth with my other hand.

ME: THOSE THINGS YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU REMEMBER JAZZ, THEY'RE MEMORIES. SORTA LIKE MOVIES OF HER YOU KEEP IN YOUR HEAD.


PANEL 5: A close-up of her face as she is looking up at me. Her big eyes are beginning to tear up.

ASIA: DADDY...?


PAGE 4 (6 panels)


PANEL 1: I am squatting down in front of her. I have both her little hands in mine. My cigar is smoldering in the grass behind me.

ME: OH, BABY...

ME: SWEATHEART, WHAT'S WRONG?


PANEL 2: A shot over my shoulder. My right hand is on her cheek. She has not broken down, but the sadness in her expression is heartbreaking. Tears are running down her cheeks.

ASIA: I MISS JAZZ ALOT.


PANEL 3: I've picked her up. Her arms are wrapped around my shoulders, and her face is buried in my neck.

ASIA: uhuh uhuh uhuh... sob, uhuh...

ME: OH, I KNOW, HONEY. IT'S OKAY. I MISS HER, TOO. SHE WAS A GREAT DOG.


PANEL 4: Pull back across the street. Asia is still in my arms, her face still hidden in my neck.

ASIA: uhuh... uhuh...

ASIA: ...


PANEL 5: A shot from behind me, and over my shoulder. Asia is peeking out. Just her teary eyes are visible from behind my shoulder.

ASIA: DADDY...?

ASIA: DO YOU MISS GRAND-MANA LIKE I MISS JAZZ?


PANEL 6: A shot for a few feet in front of me. Asia has not changed position. Tears are running down my cheek, but I am fighting to keep it together.

ME: YEAH, ASIA...

ME: SORTA LIKE THAT.


THE END.

MetaMan
06-26-2003, 02:22 PM
Good job, Chip. As always, you delivered the goods. The ONLY crit I have-- and it really isn't much of a crit, either-- are a couple of lines from Asia. It's really hard to do children's dialogue and I think you did a really good job with it. But these two lines:


ASIA: WHATCHA DOING?

ASIA: WHERE ARE YOU GOING ?

They kind of caught my eye. The first one seems like a five year old's diction. But the second line almost sounds like a teenager or young adult speaking. The rest of the story is pretty much perfect. Keep 'em comin'!

cs3ink
06-26-2003, 02:43 PM
MetaMan wrote

The first one seems like a five year old's diction. But the second line almost sounds like a teenager or young adult speaking.

As always, its great to hear your comments. Thanks for taking the time to read the script. I'm glad you liked it.

This problem is one I've been encountering alot lately, as I've written several autobiographical pieces. Reality does not always translate into realistic. My daughter is exceptionally bright (what father would say otherwise of their child), and she will sound like a 5 year old one moment, and like an adult the next. In this case what is reality does not translate into realistic. Your point is well taken, as I am still learning the fine art of writing autobiographical works.

Thanks again,
Chip

MetaMan
06-26-2003, 02:49 PM
No problem. I always run into that problem, too. I really tried to make the kids in The Girls (link's in the sig) appear to "sound" like kids their age, but it was still hard to do. It can be fairly difficult to abbreviate words to make them sound like kids talking without it sounding like jive talk. But you still did a good job with it.

banshee
06-27-2003, 12:09 AM
will hv to owe u a c&c

the boys are getting ratty now so Nap time methinks.

later days
B

banshee
07-04-2003, 01:01 AM
sorry, I hvnt been online for a few days..

so here goes!

page 1,PANEL 3: Asia has taken my left hand in both of her's and is looking up earnestly at me.

hers no '

page 2, panel 2. Page 4, panel 1
am sure u meant to say sweetheart... not sweatheart.. hehe

otherwise, totally nice one! :)

b