crit needed: the fallen issue 1- 21 pages

[violentpip]

well guys ask and ye shall recieve here it is the first issue in it's second incarnation. i still need to tweek it a bit but that's what i'm here for





Issue 1the fallen
“Beginning Folly"
Page 1
Background heaven angels in play wrestling/ mock fighting among the archangels, chess, checkers, and cards being played at tables in the foreground, angels drinking wine and eating grapes, in general enjoying life.
Page 2
Panel 1
Four angels sitting around a table playing cards drinking wine talking the back of Lucifer is all you see of him these four are Michael, Lucious, Caine, and Lucifer Michael’s wings are emerald green Lucifer’s are white Caine’s are a deep blue and Lucious’ have a light blue tint to them Michael is looking a bit annoyed Lucious exhibits apathy as does Caine’s
"Drop it already would ya." - Michael "yeah we've all heard this rant of yours before."-Lucious "you need to stop drinking your a lousy..."-Michael
Panel 2
Table from opposite side Lucifer’s face can be seen now a determined facial expression
"...drunk Lucifer."-Michael
Page 3
Panel 1
Similar shot closer range
"All I'm saying is if he really made us to be his perfect beings, why is he trying to create these new MORTAL creatures?”-Lucifer
Panel 2
Similar shot on Michael. Michael is beginning to look more pissed than annoyed now
"Drop it Lucifer." - Michael
Panel 3
Similar shot of both Caine and Lucious. Lucious’ hand moving toward Caine so as to stop him in mid sentence Lucious is facing Caine
"He does sort of have a point… I mean if you think about…"-Caine
"Don’t encourage him Caine."- Lucious
Page 4
Panel 1
Further shot of the table all four visible Michael visibly pissed at this point
"Lets change the subject"-Michael
Panel 2
Lucifer stands up spilling the wine and knocking over his chair his wings should be flared slightly in this shot, outer wings still tucked in but inner wings flared up and out so as to look like he is puffed up sort of a defensive stance. This is akin to a puffer fish expanding to make itself look bigger.
"Screw you Michael you little piece of shit,"-Lucifer
Page 5
Panel 1
Full body shot table in fg. Lucifer pointing at Michael. Michael now standing wings down not flared in the least
"I'll show you I’m going to talk to him right now, then you'll see,"-Lucifer
Panel 2
Lucifer spinning pointing
"I'll show all of you, he’ll listen to me. I’ll put a stop to this shit!"-Lucifer
Panel 3
Same shot as Lucifer storms off Michael is sitting back down
"I think he's really going to do it this time."-Lucious
"Shut it, let’s play cards."-Michael
Page 6
Panel 1
Lucifer stands drunken at the foot of the throne of god. It is vacant god is no where to be found big room elaborate pillars and floor a mixture of cultures should be apparent some Greek, some Florentine, some Egyptian, even some Mesopotamian styles within the room, perhaps mixture of styles within single objects as well
Panel 2
Lucifer stumbles toward the throne wings up so as to show dominance Lucifer should appear cocky in his stance "all this should be mine, it is wasted on him. He’s never happy with what he has, always wants more."-Lucifer
Panel 3
Frontal shot God standing behind Lucifer. God from waste up Lucifer from mid chest to the top of his brow "Wasted on who Lucifer?"-God
Panel 4
Close up shot of Lucifer’s face looks like a kid who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
Panel 5
Shot from the side from the waist up, god is a whole head taller than Lucifer. Lucifer is now standing facing god fist clenched, ambitious, intent "wasted on you! You created us. Your perfect beings, and yet you want to waste your time on those inferior bags of flesh. WHY?!"-Lucifer
Page 7
Upper corner panel god’s face and neck.
“ I don’t have to explain myself to you Lucifer.”
Full page shot of Lucifer in front of the throne almost angry "you waste your power of creation on things that are inherently flawed. These humans are a disgrace to your abilities. Even I could do better.”
Page 8
Panel 1
"Lucifer you're drunk, leave my chambers and sober up."-God
Panel 2
"Perhaps I finally have sobered up, I find myself realizing I am being screwed out of an ability that should be mine"-Lucifer
Panel 3
"You are the first of my angels to challenge me Lucifer, and if you persist you will be the last. NOW LEAVE!"-God finger pointing out
Page 9
Panel 1
Lucifer is now fully enraged wings fully flared and stretched outward, a threatening pose "NO! You WILL give me that which I desire. You can’t frighten me with your idle threats."
Panel 2
God looking rather disturbed a little pissed "I assure you this is no threat Lucifer, do NOT push this. LEAVE!"
Page 10
Panel 1
"I’ve already told you,... I'm NOT frightened of you. Now give me what is mine."
Panel 2
A look of calm crosses the face of god "fine Lucifer I will give you all that you deserve."
Panel 3
Lucifer looks a little more complacent now outer wings dropped and inner wings brought up above his head "I knew you'd see things my way."
Page 11
Panel 1
Lucifer face to face with god. God’s hand on Lucifer. "You are now banished from heaven Lucifer. Your feet will never again settle on the holy grounds of heaven."-God
Panel 2
Lucifer astonished "WHAT!?"
Panel 3
Gods face "go across the ethereal plains, through the depths of the abandoned purgatory, there you will come to a lake of fire, on the other side of this lake is your new home. It will be known as hell."
Page 12
God pointing toward the door "go now create as you see fit in your new home."-God
Page 13
Panel 1
Lucifer turned wings flared out a little more walking away "fine..."-Lucifer
Panel 2
Same shot further out Lucifer walking away wings flared a bit more a few feathers on the ground behind him "but mark my words I will return here one day and you will be sorry."- Lucifer
Panel 3
Lucifer partly out the door, wings dropped in a bit, shot from further out feathers floating behind him "I already am"- god
Page 14
Close shot of god in the throne head in his hands "this will end badly."-God
Page 15
Panel 1
Lucifer stomping across the plains angels oblivious to what has happened Lucifer’s wings flared a bit fist clenched muttering a small trail of feathers in his wake
Panel 2
Lucifer passes a table with three angels playing cards (Michael, Lucious, and Caine)
Page 16
Panel 1
Michael turns to face Lucious "well it looks like he did it this time."-Michael
Panel 2
Lucious a look of concern on his face "wonder how he reacted."-Lucious
Panel 3
Just Caine palms on table as if to start standing "looks like he took it bad,... I'm gonna go see how things went."-Caine
Page 17
Panel 1
Caine running after Lucifer as Michael stands leaving Lucious at the table by himself "I'm gonna go talk with god. See you later Lucious-Michael
Panel 2
Lucifer and Caine walking toward the shot Lucious by himself in the background." Lucifer wait up."-Caine
Panel 3
Lucifer and Caine walking "he kicked me out Caine, if you come with me he won't let you back either."-Lucifer
Page 18
Panel 1 split panel Caine in one and Lucifer in the other close up face shots
Caine concerned look while Lucifer looks pissed "what are you talking about Lucifer, he wouldn't do that."-Caine "HE DID IT CAINE!"-Lucifer
Panel 2
Lucifer more calm, "I've been sentenced to an eternity of solitude, now go."-Lucifer
Panel 3
Lucifer turned to walk away now Caine’s hand reached out to Lucifer "I won't let you be alone Lucifer-Caine
Page 19
Panel 1
Gods chambers, Michael and god in discussion "he did what?"-Michael
Panel 2
Similar shot "he demanded the powers of creation and I gave them to him Michael." -god
Panel 3
Gods hand on Michael’s shoulder "I want you to gather all the archangels here Michael, he swore he'd be back and I believe him."-God
Page 20
Panel 1
God from mid torso up “I banished him to a new place called hell.”
Panel 2
Shot of the throne room god standing in front of the throne "his creations will be hateful Michael, just like him. They will be twisted by his emotions."-God
Panel 3
Caine and Lucifer in front of the lake of fire Lucifer looks pissed
Page 21
Lucifer and Caine close shot Lucifer’s wings now have about 1/3 of their feathers scales have replaced them and his wings take on a more bat-like shape

[banshee]

will c&p and crit later. Jetlag is still being a pain and I am early to bed nowadays. but will owe u this one!

:)

later days
B

[banshee]

at first glance, it makes for a good read. Will look at it in detail when I can, brain zoning out again lol.

:) keep up the good work!

later days
B.

[banshee]

On 2nd read,
a quick suggestion. Perhaps a re-work in format will help. Spread ur dialogue out so it's easy to read.

Panel 1- blah blah Description

LUCIFER- TALKING TOO MUCH.

That kinda thing. Makes for easier reference later on and easier for ur reader too! :)

later days
B.

[Rage Overfox]

I have to agree with banshee....overall a good read, but a bit more pacing. I almost see this being a slightly longer ish, maybe 32 pages or so. Also, I think the grandure of Heaven is a bit underscored, possibly due to Lucifer's pov, or the other angels general blasaie attitude towards it; been there, done that.

I dig it though.

-D-

[banshee]

hi there Rage!! :) I dunno if I'd ever said a welcome to thewritersdesk bfr. Even though u hv been "lurking" bfr, I still like to say hello and welcome :)

Ven will tell u I am nuts and enthusiastic, if nothing else. and a meanie wt a toaster! (urm... u had to be there LOL).

ok ok, I will shuddup now!

Rage made sense reg: the grandeur thing. Yeah, its true, the angels do seem very blase abt stuff, I think it's a very human trait, very neat reference there, Rage.

sooooo, Pip, looking fwd to seeing further pieces

later days
B

[violentpip]

i didn't really lay out the backgrounds too well because i would like my artist creative side to shape that aspect of the book as that it is less important than the actual characters themselves. i also thought this was a bit long winded and may cut it back a bit. this was basically a introduction to the character of lucifer and his plight. the first two issues are a bit slow and it really picks up from there. i agree that it seems like it should be longer than 21 pages but it is the frame i was working with i may go back and add a few more pages to it later.

[violentpip]

i think i'm gonna stretch out the pages before lucious is left at the table by himself and start the second issue with the stuff that follows. i think that should rectify the whole too much dialog issue. if not i'll just rework it some more. this is the first thing i've written in a while so some bugs are to be expected.

[Rage Overfox]

....that just because you want it to be a slow-opener, that doesnt mean that the readers are going to like it.

It's a bit odd to say that the characters are more important than the scenery. Sure, to a degree, but characters without backgrounds is considered sloppy art, so keep that in mind. Too much nothing can be a very bad thing.

-D-

[violentpip]

i did just say that i want the artist imagination to run with the backgrounds on this. i want the artist to show-off a bit on the background art that is what i meant by the characters are more important.