3 pages of sequentials

[Sam Spade]

I recently came across your forum, and was very impressed by the dedication and professionalism displayed by both contributors and critiquers. This is the first three pages of a submission I have recently completed, and I was wondering if I could get some feedback on what you all think of it.

Had to remove the pics for space reasons. Please check them out along with the rest of the nine page story at:


http://www.users.fast.net/~rrv311/HD1.html

Thanks in advance to all who reply!

[EddieChingLives]

Not bad.

First off, Good Lord!!! I miss high-speed!!! It took like 3 minutes to load 3 pages, and I still can't read anything on the page.

It might help to put a page by page, panel by panel transcript, so we can read what is being said. That way we can give a better critique of the words and pictures together.

From what I can tell, nice. Pretty professional. Nice use of blacks. Very noir-ish. Also, the panels are varried rather nicely. Not boring, yet not too suffocating.

I could try to nitpick things that stand out, but for the most part, nothing stands right out, so I'll pass for now.

Pretty good stuff. You could definately get work with indy comics, depending how fast and reliable you can produce this kind of work.

I just wish I could read it. And if you enlarge it, it might take me 3 years to get it, so a transcript might work out better.

Good job.

[Sam Spade]

Thanks for the kind words, man. And I do apologize (and also to the rest of you who are shaking your fits at me as you wait for the download) for the file size. Haven't done this before, and I wasn't sure how big to make it. I therefore made it too big to download fast, and still too small to read. I have a transcript at
http://www.users.fast.net/~rrv311/HDtrans.html
for anyone who would like to read what's going on.
Feel free to nitpick if, after reading the script, if you find anything.

And, as always, thanks for checking the pages out, and letting me know what you think.

[EddieChingLives]

I must say how cool it is seeing the original script and comparing it to the finished version.

I also would like to mention that this is the kind of script that scares me. So much detail is described. I give you so much credit for even completing this script.

I'm sure it would help so much if the writer drew some thumbnails. A lot of times writers don't think about how artists have to draw this stuff, so they add all this lucious detail to give you an idea, but then I allways get lost in the details. It seems like there's too much detail to draw.

I like having the script because a lot of the times, I can blame the writer. The big panel is confusing for me. I have A.D.D. There's three things going on at once. They got the radio going on, a guy sitting, and a voice over. All this creative wording, it's just so hard for me to absorb. How does he plan to make an honest woman out of her? I don't even know what that means? But all the creative paint a picture wording is understandable, since it's one of those noir detective type stories.

Panel four, he limits you to a close up shot of the feet. I really don't like that. If a writer has enough vision to imagine what particular angle works best for his script, he better draw this stuff in a thumbnail. I like the Marvel method a bit better. They just describe the jist of what's going on and let the artist explore.

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He wants you to go from a close up of feet to a back shot of her? That's kind of confusing.

I think it's kind of a jump cut going from a birds eye shot to a close up, worms eye shot. I would have went for a tighter medium shot of her.

Page two panel one, I think you should have went for the sound fx part for the shh...crackle...pop... part, but that might be personal preference.

The description of panel 2, if he has all of these detail plans of how to lay the insert shot, why not draw some thumbnails for you. Thumbnails while you write help you know what doesn't or does work in comics.

===========IMPORTANT ADVICE===================

TIP: It makes a jump cut when you go from an establishing shot to a closer shot and change the angle. I noticed it from the establishing shot in page 1 to the girls feet walking down the stairs, and I notice it when you went from the girl changing the dial to a close up of her hand. I think it helps so much if you just keep the angle the same. It makes a much easier transition to the next panel.

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I think you should have established the size of the radio in the first big interior shot on page one. I'm still not sure where exactly the radio is in relation to the man holding the newspaper.

Once again, the past two descriptions, I feel like over-detail using celebrities restricts the artist. But you have accelled really well.

You may need to work on your hands from that particular angle on page 2, panels 5 and 7.

"The three marks come from a sacrificial knife MS. GILROY uses to conduct her magic." I'm suprised nothing is said to the reader, to clue in this importance. But it might be a suprise for later on in the story.

A point about word baloons. Page 3 panels 2,3,and4, there's some flow problems. I'm having trouble knowing which balloon to read next. But that might be my own personal problems. Or you might want to make sure the next word balloon allways flows to the next. Just something to think about.

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FINAL CONCLUSION
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It's about friggin' time, I know. Anways, you do a great job at a variety of angles, great use of blacks. Fantastic execution of a script.

There are some areas to improve on in future work. It'd be an excrutiating task to re-do these pages just because of the fact that you were in the inking stages. And I feel the best way too look at comics is once a page is finished, it's finished. I look at posting on here as going to press. There's no comic book that comes out and says "Special Better Angles Reprint". So here's some things to think about when you do another script.

Get the hang of drawing those close up fingers.

When you establish a shot well enough, when you go into the next panel, don't change the angle too severely. It helps the transition to the next panel.

Watch the flow of those word balloons and make sure there's no confusion on which balloon starts first and which balloon to read next.

That's the best I can come up with. You've reached a pro-fessionalism and script translation that is better then what I can do at the moment. So don't be too insulted by what I have to say. I'm still learning. Just use this as something to think about in your future storytelling. And, as allways, I hope this was helpful.

And my appologies to the writer if he ever sees my post. hehe

[Sam Spade]

Dude, I have got to tell you how much I appreciate the time that you put into that critique. Seriously, that is the most thorough and helpful critique that I have gotten to date, and it was exactly what I was looking for. All the points that you brought up for improvement are well taken (for some reason I always seem to have trouble with hands, even though I have two models that I can take anywhere I need), and as you said, theses pages are finished, but your advice is something that I will take with me to the next project.

Thanks again!

If anyone else has anything to add for areas of improvement, please feel! As always, art is an ongoing process of learning and evolving...