Script for a short sequential. Input greatly appreciated.

[Ra Havok]

heyhey!

Owkay, in order to get better at sequentials (drawing+coloring) I thought of this little story set a whole bunch of years before the story of my graphic novel* starts.

*to be completed in 2009


Please do tell me what you think of it. Whether or not you (dis)like the dialogue in some places, if there are spelling or grammatical mistakes, ...

thanks

------------------------------
[..] = caption
°..° = computer (voice)
------------------------------


[2058]


Zoom in on building, man enters his luxurious apartment.
°Incoming Call°

Mark Eason:
"Accept. Light 60%."
Nothing happens
"Light 60%!"

Garren: the caller , not visible
"Don't bother, Eason, I have control over your computer."

Mark Eason:
"What the hell?"

Eason tries to get out of his apartment

Garren:
"I locked your door. You can't run, nor can you communicate with the outside."

Garren:
"Mark Eason... Chief supervisor of the design effort of all class fours for the last 9 years.

Mark Eason:
"Who are you.. and what is it you want?"

Garren:
"Your killer. Your death."

Garren:
"Do you know 'Woon and Chihé', Eason?"

Mark Eason:
"Y-yes. It's a popular Chinese show for infants. I watched it once, together with my nephew."

Garren:
"Well good!"

Visible on the main screen of the apartment -> a quizprogram about Woon and Chihé.

Garren:
"There is an explosive device in your apartment. If you answer wrongly, it will go off. You have 10 seconds to answer a question."

°What is Chihé's favorite attribute?°

Mark Eason:
"A..a coca-cola bottle??"

°Correct! You are smart!°

°From what disease suffers Woon most?°

Mark Eason:
"... The flu?"

°Ooh, I'm afraid that's not right. The correct answer is: dysentery.°

Garren:
"Eason... I lied. There is not one explosive device in your apartment."
"There are 31".

Lights switch on, 31 bombs visible.

Tremendously big explosion follows.

[Vendetta]

The dialogue is intriguing. But, its hard to tell you much more about your script, how well it flows, timing, what works and what doesn't without it being a complete script. As the artist, yourself, you have the luxury of knowing the panel layout and really, probably don't need all the panel descriptions and panel layouts. That is fine enough. But without those things, it is extremely difficult to get a real sense of how this page (these pages) flow.

What I can get:
Mood - The mood is dark and hopeless... mostly because we don't see Eason doing ANYTHING to help himself out of the situation. Is he trying to open a window, screaming and pounding on the door (I know he's not doing that because you didn't include him screaming... but the point is...) or is he just standing there, in utter shock. I get the feeling it is the latter. With him standing there, unable to do anything (more because of his own fears than lack of options... though all options may have been already covered) we get the sense that he is probably a normal-ish guy who has done something, unwittingly, to piss off the wrong people. As a normal person, he really isn't emotionally or intellectually trained to deal with the sudden, real drama of what is about to happen. It’s hard to say what is really going on with him without more information. (Which, I'm sure, you have tucked away in some thumbs somewhere)

Grammar – Your grammar looks fine. In spoke word you have more freedom to bend the rules to develop speech patterns and such. But even so, you seem to have no absolute grammatical issues. The only thing I would point out is that Garren tells Eason that he has ten seconds to answer ONE question. (“You have 10 seconds to answer a question.") While this is not a problem, it is misleading and Eason might say something like “HEY! I thought you said a question” Garren “I lied” or some such thing. It’s really rather trivial but it is something to note.

A second small note would be the emphasis on “not one” bomb. You should choose one or the other to emphasize. When you emphasize too many word you get the “Captain Kirk” type of speech. I think just the word “one” should carry that emphasis. Again, this is not actually “wrong” but more of a sense of style.

Anyway, that’s about it from me. Hope that helps. If my description in the mood part about Eason’s personality is not “correct” that is fine and should tell you a little about how the conversation reads. If it is wrong, perhaps your panel layout and goings on within the panel will correct that when seen and read or maybe you need more dialogue to flesh it out more.

[Popninja]

Excellent observations, Vendetta. I agree that without any kind of page or panel descriptions, it's hard for the reader to get an idea of the pacing of the story.

I'm assuming that this is probably some sort of two or three page deal. You could easily use a whole page just to establish where the story is taking place. But the whole quiz to bombs bursting seems like it would only last two pages, tops.

It is refreshing, Ra, to read a script that isn't riddled with spelling and grammar errors. The story could be interesting enough. With an actual page and panel layout, it could be even more interesting. Can we assume Eason survives?

[Ra Havok]

Originally posted by Popninja
Can we assume Eason survives?

Hahaha! No, not at all. It are 31 huge bombs.


Thanks a lot for the replies, Fellows!!

Vendetta:
Sorry I didn't include more information .. heh, you're right when you say I have the luxury to know all the panel lay-outs and the timing and such. Eason just stands there because
a) it's dark
and
b) he has nowhere to go. The door is locked, and he lives on the 120th floor or so.
you were right with your description of Eason. He is not trained for this. Nor would he be able to do anything about it, even if he was.

Your grammatical points are noted.

I went for some cynical humor with the childish figures Woon and Chihé .. did that work? Is the 'dysentery' pushing it?

[Vendetta]

well... I don't have any problem with it. My standards are quite a bit "lower" than what the PJ forums require and I don't think that was out of taste for the forums. Its nasty... but in this script, it is really just a word and you don't go into it in any way. I see nothing wrong with it.

[banshee]

very interesting, dark.

As Ven said, having the panel descriptions etc will help the story "read" for others.

I know this is a short crit LOL but ven pretty much covered everything and I dont want to repeat myself.

Good job, look fwd to seeing more!
B.

[violentpip]

the dialog is good but we need some imagery here and it also seems like it needs a bit more of a pause in places for some dramatic effect. all in all it has nice potential.

[Lee Man]

Ra Havok,

I agree with the others in saying that, as a script, there needs to be a little more description as to what is happening in a scene.

I think the dialogue works well, though you could really push Eason's reactions. I mean, I would be sh*iting my pants. He was either expecting this to happen, or is completely taken by suprise. Both have interesting dramatic dynamics. Either way, ramping up his emotion would give the story alot more tension.

Loved the dysentery. :D

Also liked how you have a complete scene that can stand on its own, but leaves questions to be answered. What is a 'class four', who is Eason working for, etc.

Let's see some more from this concept!