Attempt At Avengers Script

[banshee]

This is for Cuddly's portfolio if he likes it.

It's not entirely a fav of mine but I thought I'd hv a go at a "team" thing.

All brickpats and pats on the back are welcome :D

later days.
B.

__________________

TITLE- AVENGERS.

Page 1

PANEL 1 –Destroyed buildings, burning cars. In the distance, you see a jet heading towards the carnage.

PANEL 2 – The jet has landed near the carnage. The Avengers are heading towards the flames and destruction. Captain America and the Scarlet Witch are running on the ground, Thor with his hammer raised in the air alongside The Wasp and Ironman.

CAPTAIN AMERICA- LET’S SPLIT UP, AVENGERS. THOR, YOU CHECK THE EAST SIDE. THE WASP AND IRONMAN, THE WEST. THE SCARLET WITCH AND I WILL CONTINUE NORTHWARDS. LET’S STOP THIS CARNAGE!

(ALL)- AFFIRMATIVE.

PANEL 3 – Overhead shot with pandemonium all around but one boy around 5 years old holding a teddy bear, squatting down next to a woman sprawled in the center of this chaos

BOY- MAMA! MAMA! WAKE UP MAMA!

PANEL 4 – Thor has reached the boy and is squatting down next to him. The boy looks fearfully at him, tears pouring down.

THOR- WHAT HAPPENED, LITTLE ONE?

PANEL 5 - The boy is now looking upwards at Thor, his face tear-streaked. .

BOY- THAT BIG ROBOT HURT MY MOMMY! SHE’S NOT WAKING UP!

Page 2

PANEL 1 – Thor looks at the boy in surprise, remaining squat down. He has been joined by the Wasp and Ironman who are clearing rubble and helping people out from under rubble in the background.

THOR- BIG ROBOT?

PANEL 2- The boy is now pointing to something with flames behind it in the distance. The Avengers looking towards it.

BOY- YES, THAT ONE!

PANEL 3 – A massive fireball heads towards the sky towards the tiny group of people on the ground below. We see those figures fleeing in different directions.

PANEL 4 – Ironman, followed by the Wasp and Thor, is heading towards the massive robotic figure who has now landed on the ground in a park.

IRONMAN- IT CAN’T BE…
THOR- YES, IT IS….

PANEL 5 –the robotic figure standing arrogantly in the park with the flaming city behind him.

CAPTION- KANG THE CONQUEROR RETURNS!

PANEL 6- (small) The Avengers are stopped in mid air while Captain America and the Scarlet Witch are on the ground almost in front.

CAPTAIN AMERICA- AVENGERS ATTACK!


Page 3

PANEL 1- Thor is swinging his hammer towards Kang’s head and Ironman is pummelling his belly. The Wasp is using her Wasp Sting to try and blind him.

PANEL 2 – Thor and are the Wasp in of Kang’s hands being squeezed while Ironman is on the ground in a smoking hole.

KANG- DO YOU THINK SUCH FEEBLE BEINGS CAN STOP ME, KANG THE CONQEUROR?

PANEL 3 – Kang laughing delightedly as Thor and the Wasp are thrown through the air, seemingly lifeless.

SFX- HAHAHAHAHA…..

PANEL 4 – The Scarlet Witch is throwing a glowing ball towards Kang’s torso while Captain American is throwing his shield towards Kang’s head.

PANEL 5 – the Scarlet Witch is now struggling in Kang’s massive hand and Captain America is under Kang’s foot.

WITCH- UUUUUUUUGHHHHH….
CAP- OOOOOFFFF…..

PANEL 6 – Big splash page. Kang is floating just off the ground. The bodies of the Avengers are strewn across the ground amongst debris.

CAPTION- NOTHING CAN STOP KANG!

[keldon]

I really like the script. Especially the contrast I already make in my head between the little boy and the teddybear and the big robot. I think when drawn in the right way it can be real beautiful!
What do you mean with 'team thing'? you mean team up with your husband or team as in team america or so???
By the way... don't ask me about the spelling :S ;)


Keldon

[banshee]

lol the team thing is in a team of super heroes.
Cuddly and I are already a team hehhehee

Thank u for the crit keldon! it does need some work, Cuddly and I discussed it last night so will be making some changes to it shortly since the boys are napping now.

If you like, take a gander at the other scripts Ive posted, one Catwoman and one Batman full length script. :)

thanks again!
B.

[cs3ink]

Hey B,

Great to see something new from you. It's no secret I am a fan.

Okay, now for the fun stuff...

Nice start. I can tell you are struggling with writing a team script, but I am impressed with this first draft. The use of the small child immediately grounds the reader and engenders an emotional investment. Little kids are a great device for getting people to care about the events in a story. Skillful touch. In fact, have you considered telling the story completely from the perspective of the little boy? Your writing seems to work best when you yourself have an emotional focus.


PANEL 1 –Destroyed buildings, burning cars.

Is this a small town? A city? The artist will need to know.


Captain America and the Scarlet Witch are running on the ground, Thor with his hammer raised in the air alongside The Wasp and Ironman.

Are Thor, the Wasp, and Ironman flying? Or are they running alongside their teammates?


CAPTAIN AMERICA- LET’S SPLIT UP, AVENGERS. THOR, YOU CHECK THE EAST SIDE. THE WASP AND IRONMAN, THE WEST. THE SCARLET WITCH AND I WILL CONTINUE NORTHWARDS. LET’S STOP THIS CARNAGE!

(ALL)- AFFIRMATIVE.

Cap's dialogue is nice here, all except the last line. I'm no Cap expert, but I just can't see him being so flowery and dramatic in the midst of a battle.

I also think you should drop the "AFFIRMATIVE". Not only do I not think that any of the characters would say that, I think it is more dramatic that they just follow their team leader's orders wordlessly.


PANEL 4 – Thor has reached the boy and is squatting down next to him. The boy looks fearfully at him, tears pouring down.

THOR- WHAT HAPPENED, LITTLE ONE?

PANEL 5 - The boy is now looking upwards at Thor, his face tear-streaked. .


Panel 4 already has the boy looking at Thor, yet you point it out again in panel 5. Is something missing?


PANEL 5 –the robotic figure standing arrogantly in the park with the flaming city behind him.

CAPTION- KANG THE CONQUEROR RETURNS!


Okay, I'm no Kang expert either, but Kang is a giant robot? Since when? I assume you will reveal the answer to this twist in the folowing pages.

Panel 6 on page 2 would work better as a page turner, and as a lead in to page 3 if it were a dramatic shot of the group leaping at the giant robot.

Page 3 should be at least 2 pages. Way too much going on for one page. Way too much.


PANEL 6 – Big splash page. Kang is floating just off the ground. The bodies of the Avengers are strewn across the ground amongst debris.

I imagine it is just a typo, but a panel cannot be a splash page.

Great first draft.

Later,
Chip

[banshee]

Thank ye, Chip :)

Yeah, its not my best piece, I wasnt happy wt it really. And yup, Cuddly pointed out that Kang isnt a giant robot, I think I got confused wt Ultron. Need to make some ammendments there. agreed reg: dialogue for Cap, on 2nd re-read, it seemed somewhat lame LOL

Yes, Cuddly mentioned a splash page is one big page and not a panel. So that needs work.

Hmmm... I see ur points reg: my script, I think my prob is that I am writing for Cuddlys portfolio and am trying to write it for him as an artist, more than gut instinct as a writer, if that makes sense? LOL

I need to get this re-write out there so Cuddly can get to grips wt it, we are leaving soon and he hasnt got much time.

thanks heaps for the crits! really appreciate it!

later days
B.

[cs3ink]

Actually, B, Ultron isn't a "giant" robot, either :( . He is a robot, though :D .

Your script is not nearly are horrible as you make it sound. It is a really good first draft. I look forward to the revisions.

Chip

[banshee]

thanks Chip :) Thats real kind of u.

I guess I can be my own worst critic a lot of the time. Just my gut instinct that figured it was wrong.

Yeah, Ultron isnt a giant either.. Awww mannn I wanted a giant robot! hehehehee

will work on the changes tonight.

thanks again :)
B

[banshee]

here goes...

_________________

TITLE- AVENGERS.

Page 1

PANEL 1 –City Scene. Destroyed buildings, burning cars. In the distance, you see a jet heading towards the carnage.

PANEL 2 – The jet has landed near the carnage. The Avengers are heading towards the flames and destruction. Captain America and the Scarlet Witch are running on the ground, Thor with his hammer raised in the air flying alongside The Wasp and Ironman.

CAPTAIN AMERICA- LET’S SPLIT UP, AVENGERS. THOR, YOU CHECK THE EAST SIDE. THE WASP AND IRONMAN, THE WEST. THE SCARLET WITCH AND I WILL CONTINUE NORTHWARDS.

PANEL 3 – Overhead shot with pandemonium all around but one boy around 5 years old holding a teddy bear, squatting down next to a woman sprawled in the center of this chaos

BOY- MAMA! MAMA! WAKE UP MAMA!

PANEL 4 – Thor has reached the boy and is squatting down next to him. The boy looks fearfully at him, tears pouring down.

THOR- WHAT HAPPENED, LITTLE ONE?
BOY- THAT ROBOT MAN HURT MY MOMMY! SHE’S NOT WAKING UP!

PANEL 5 - Thor looks at the boy in surprise, remaining squat down. He has been joined by the Wasp and Ironman who are clearing rubble and helping people out from under rubble in the background.

THOR- ROBOT MAN?


Page 2

PANEL 1 – The boy is now pointing to something with flames behind it in the distance. The Avengers looking towards it.

BOY- YES, THAT ONE!

PANEL 2- A massive fireball heads towards the sky towards the tiny group of people on the ground below. We see those figures fleeing in different directions.

PANEL 3 – Ironman, followed by the Wasp and Thor, is heading towards the robot man who has now landed on the ground in a park in the middle of the city.

IRONMAN- IT CAN’T BE…
THOR- YES, IT IS….

PANEL 4 – the robotic figure standing arrogantly in the park with flaming buildings behind him.

CAPTION- ULTRON RETURNS!

PANEL 5 – (small) The Avengers are stopped in mid air while Captain America and the Scarlet Witch are on the ground almost in front.

CAPTAIN AMERICA- AVENGERS ATTACK!

PANEL 6- Thor is swinging his hammer towards Ultron’s head and Ironman is pummelling his belly. The Wasp is using her Wasp Sting to try and blind him.




Page 3

PANEL 1- Thor and the Wasp are caught up in a ball of blue energy shooting from Ultron’s hands while Ironman is on the ground in a smoking hole.

ULTRON- DO YOU THINK SUCH FEEBLE ATTACKS CAN STOP ME?

PANEL 2 – Ultron laughing delightedly as Thor and the Wasp end up on the ground, surrounded by blackened ground and smoke rising.

SFX- HAHAHAHAHA…..

PANEL 3 – The Scarlet Witch is throwing a glowing ball towards Ultron’s torso.

THE SCARLETT WITCH- FEEBLE? NOT A CHANCE!


PANEL 4 – Ultron dodges the hex bolt and is running towards the Scarlett Witch, fist connecting with her face

WITCH- UUUUUUUUGHHHHH….


PANEL 5 – Captain America uses his shield to knock Ultron on the back of his head while we see the Scarlett Witch on the ground, stunned.

ULTRON- OOOOOFFFF…..

PANEL 6- Captain America’s expression of disbelief when Ultron gets back on his feet.

CAPTAIN AMERICA- BUT HOW…
ULTRON- YOU FOOL!

PANEL 7- Ultron aims two punches to Captain America’s head and belly, hard. Captain America’s doubling over in pain.

CAPTAIN AMERICA- UUHHHHHHHHHHHH….


PAGE 4

Big splash page. Ultron is floating just off the ground. The bodies of the Avengers are strewn across the ground amongst debris.

CAPTION- NOTHING CAN STOP ULTRON!

[Cuddly]

A huge improvement! The only real concern I have from an artist's standpoint is in Page 3 Panel 7. Showing 2 punches to the torso AND head is a bit tough to pull off, even if the artist used ghost images. Perhaps multiple superfast body blows instead?

I'm gonna have to hustle if I want to draw this, huh? :)

[Vegeta]

banshee,

You are improving.This is the best plot I have seen from you..or read.Don will have fun with this one.:D

[cs3ink]

B,

Nice revisions. You've made a some nice improvements. Over all, it reads much better.

There are still a few areas that concern me.


PANEL 5 - Thor looks at the boy in surprise, remaining squat down.

How about: Thor, still squatting at the boy's level, is surprised at the boy's words.


PANEL 5 – (small) The Avengers are stopped in mid air while Captain America and the Scarlet Witch are on the ground almost in front.


I think I understand what you are describing here, but this is a very hard to understand description.

There seems to be alot missing between the end of page 2, and the beginning of page 3. In panel 6 of page 2, the Avengers are beatting the bat snot out of Ultron. Suddenly, in panel 1 of page 3, Ironman lies in a scorched hole.

I can see how the transition from panel 1 to panel 2 might work visually, but my gut says there needs to be a panel between them.

In panel 3, it seems the Scarlet Witch comes out of nowhere. Maybe if she is seen in the background of panel 2, her sudden appearance might work better. I understand the dramatic effect you might be striving for here, but that effect is undermined by Ultron so easily dispatching the Scarlet Witch in the following panel.

You know, it just occured to me that since you are working under such tight page number restrains, you might want to pair down your Avengers roster to no more than 4, and maybe only 3. You might be trying to give too many characters page time than you have the page count to afford. I could be way off, but it is just a thought.


PANEL 4 – Ultron dodges the hex bolt and is running towards the Scarlett Witch, fist connecting with her

You have two separate events happening in this one panel. Ultron dodging the hex bolt, AND Ultron decking SC.


PANEL 6- Captain America’s expression of disbelief when Ultron gets back on his feet.

CAPTAIN AMERICA- BUT HOW…
ULTRON- YOU FOOL!

Cap has faught Ultron more times than I can count. He is the epidemy of the grizzled veteran. Cap's surprise does not ring true.


PANEL 7- Ultron aims two punches to Captain America’s head and belly, hard. Captain America’s doubling over in pain.

I agree with Cuddly, this should probably be 2 panels. And I think this panel further backs up my suggestion of cutting back on the number of Avengers. From what little I know about Cap, there is no way Ultron would take him this quick. If you had fewer Avenger, you could add a few more panels to this scene.


CAPTION- NOTHING CAN STOP ULTRON!

This dialogue seems a little... over the top.

Keep at it. This is a notable improvment. Team books are notoriously difficult to write, and you have done pretty darn good for your first attempt.

Chip

[banshee]

hehe thank u all! :)

Cuddly, can be two simultaneous blows. No ghosting necessary methinks.

Chip, I c what you mean... hmmm.... yeah, needed to keep it down to three pages. As for the characters, depends on what Cuddly wants really. Will just tighten that up and Cuddly does the rest hehe

Brian, hehehe thank u!!!!! :D Hv u seen the Catwoman script? You are also welcome to hv a go at it :)

thanks again for critting y'all! really appreciate it

later days
B.

[Vegeta]

Originally posted by banshee

Brian, hehehe thank u!!!!! :D Hv u seen the Catwoman script? You are also welcome to hv a go at it :)

I didn't get to see the Catwoman script ...where is it?
As far as working on the Avengers one...um if I have time to do it I will and post it in the Seqential art area.I been busy lately though.

[banshee]

http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=28024&highlight=Catwoman

see if that works

lol

later days
B

[Vegeta]

banshee,

That's better.:D

The Catwoman plot is good too.I am working on the first page of the Avengers story... just to try it.I will post it when I have it finished.

[banshee]

thats great Brian :D I feel way honoured!

<beams wt excitement>

later days
B

[Vegeta]

Originally posted by banshee
thats great Brian :D I feel way honoured!

<beams wt excitement>

later days
B

I finally got it done.Sorry been busy.It isn't pefect but ain't bad.:o
It is posted in the Seq art forum or you can click this link to go there. http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30539

[banshee]

totally awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank u!!

me go hv a looksee!