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daredevil30269
04-11-2003, 11:05 PM
Hey guys here is the final version of the script. Could someone please take a look and tell me what you think.

TECHBOYZ #1

PAGE ONE

FULL PAGE PANEL:
Show an overview of the city. The futuristic buildings, the new high ways and flying cars and several drone flying around.

1 CAPTION: THE YEAR IS 2050 AND IT HAS BEEN FORTY YEARS SINCE THE END OF THE WAR THAT LED TO THE WHOLESALE DESTRUCTION OFNEW YORK CITY.

2 CAPTION: STEPHEN PHEONIX, RECLUSIVE MULTI-BILLIONAIRE REBUILT A DEVASTATED CITY IN HIS VISION OF A UTOPIAN FUTURE--

3 CAPTION: --AND NAMED IT NEON CITY.

1 CAPTION: BUT NO MATTER HOW ADVANCED THE TECHNOLOGY BECOMES AND HOW WE GROW AS A SOCIETY SOMETHINGS NEVER CHANGE. LIKE--

PAGE TWO

PANEL ONE:
Soto is sitting in the back of a plush limo. He is talking on the callwave system with Ikira. Soto’s eyes are haze white as this is happening.

1 CAPTION: --LUST, GREED--

3 MR. SOTO: SIR MY MEN ARE RECTIFYING THE SITUATION EVEN AS WE SPEAK.

4 IKIRA (OP): SEE THAT IT’S TAKEN CARE OF. I WILL NOT ACCEPT FAILURE THIS TIME.

1 CAPTION: --AND MURDER.

PANEL TWO:
This panel is from Soto’s point of view. You see the back of the driver and front seat as well as the rest of his surroundings. In the upper right hand corner is like a see a smart screen showing Ikira in an oxygen mask. He looks very sick. Right below him is a digital teller going across showing the Neon City stock market.

5 IKIRA: SOTO, YOU ARE MY BEST EMPLOYEE DON’T DISAPPOINT ME.

6 SOTO (OP): YES SIR. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH EDGAR?

7 IKIRA: ELIMINATE HIM.

PANEL THREE:
A close up of Soto’s face as he gives an evil grin.

8 SOTO: IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE.

PAGE THREE

PANEL ONE:
Show Edgar running for his life against the flow of the crowd. He is pushing and knocking people down as he goes through them.

1 PERSON #1: HEY MAN, WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING!

PANEL TWO:
Edgar grabs a hold of a man’s shirt. He is almost on his knees begging the man for help.

2 EDGAR: PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO HE…

2 MAN: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?

PANEL THREE:
Farther behind him Rob and Mick are running towards them. The two goons are shoving and throwing people out of the way.

4 ROB: STOP HIM!

PAGE FOUR

PANEL ONE:
The man pushes Edgar off him. Making Edgar stumble as he tries to stay on his feet.

1 MAN: GET AWAY FROM ME FREAK!

2 COUPLE (OP): WATCHOUT!

PANEL TWO:
Edgar collides into a couple as he turns to run, causing all of them to fall over. There is an alley off to the side of them.

PANEL THREE:
Edgar is back up running into the alley.

3 MICK (OP): NOOO! SOMEONE STOP THAT MAN!

PANEL FOUR:
The two goons stand over the couple shooting at Edgar.

SFX: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

PANEL FIVE:
A close up of the bullet ripping through the air as it goes through Edgar’s thigh.

PAGE FIVE

PANEL ONE:
Edgar is on the ground. He has some blood where he got hit. Rob is kicking him in the stomach.

1 ROB: DON’T EVER RUN FROM ME!

2 EDGAR (WHISPER): UGH! PLEASE…STOP…

PANEL TWO:
Rob has him by the shirt.

3 ROB: WHERE’S THE BOX?

4 EDGAR: I DUNNO.

5 MICK (OP): STOP LYING TO US!

PANEL THREE:
Rob slams Edgar into the wall. The box falls out when it happens.

6 EDGAR: UMPH!

7 MICK (OP): WHY DO YOU LIE TO US? I DON’T LIKE PEOPLE LYING TO ME.

PANEL FOUR:
Mick punches Edgar in the stomach.

8 EDGAR: AAGH!

PANEL FIVE:
Edgar is on his hands and knees. He is bleeding from his mouth and nose as he tries frantically to catch his breath. Both Mick and Rob stand over him.

1 MICK: EDGAR, YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOT, GET UP!

9 EDGAR: GASP!

10 EDGAR (WHISPER): PLEASE, STOP.

PAGE SIX

INSERT PANEL ONE:
Close up of Mick’s hands grabbing Edgar.

2 MICK: GET UP!

FULL PAGE PANEL:
Mick has Edgar by the throat; his other hand is up ready to punch him. Edgar has his hands up somewhat blocking his face. Edgar is bruised, blood dripping from the corner of his mouth and nose as fear begins to show in his eyes.

3 EDGAR: PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T.

4 MICK: WHY?

5 EDGAR: YOU NEED ME.

6 MR. SOTO (OP): MR. BICKERMAN, YOU HAVE NOTHING I NEED.

PAGE SEVEN

PANEL ONE:
Mr. Soto is behind them. He hands Rob a metal carrying case.

PANEL TWO:
Rob places the box in the case. Mick has let go of Edgar, who is now on his knees looking at Mr. Soto.

1 EDGAR: MR. SOTO, PLEASE…PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.

PANEL THREE:
This panel is from Edgar’s point of view. Soto is standing pointing the gun straight at Edgar, have the tip of the gun bleed just off of the bottom of the panel as if it was in Edgar’s mouth.

2 MR. SOTO: MR. BICKERMAN, CONSIDER THIS YOUR TERMINATION NOTICE.

3 EDGAR (OP): MMMMPHM!

SFX: BLAM!

PAGE EIGHT

PANEL ONE:
Show a drone hovering over the alley, recording everything. In the lens you see the reflection of the three men walking back towards the limo.

3 CAPTION: IN A WORLD OF LUST, GREED AND MURDER THE DRONES ARE THE EYES OF GOD. GOD BEING--

PANEL TWO:
A wall of monitors surrounding one huge one. On the big one is the scene in the alley. The others have the global net, information and data or scenes from other drones. Samuel sits and watches everything.

4 CAPTION: --THE NEON CITY COPS AND THIS MAN,SAMUEL PHEONIX. BEING THE GRANDSON OF STEPHEN, GIVING HIM PRIVLIDGE AND PRESTIGUE OVER MOST CITIZENS OF NEON CITY. BEING HEAD OF THE N.C.C. ONLY ADDS TO THAT.

5 SAMUEL: SASHA.

6 SASHA (OP): YES SIR?

PANEL THREE:
Samuel sits at his desk. His elbows on the table and his chin resting on his hands. He has a cold stare on his face. Sasha the hologram stands in front of the desk.

7 SAMUEL: HAVE BANKS CLEANUP THIS MESS IN THE ALLEY ON PHEONIX BLVD.

8 SASHA: YES SIR.

9 SAMUEL: YAMAMOTO IS BEGINNING TO BE A PROBLEM. HAVE SUKI COME BY TODAY. WE NEED TO TAKE CARE OF THIS.

PANEL FOUR:
The hologram begins disappears as he goes back to watching the monitors.

10 SASHA: YES SIR.

PAGE NINE

PANEL ONE:
The Ghetto, several homeless and others walking around. In the background is the skyline of the wondrous Neon City.

1 CAPTION: A DILAPIDATED BUILDING HAS BECOME HOME TO ANOTHER OF NEON CITY’S MOST WANTED, THE TECHBOYZ.

2 ZEE (OP): I’M GOING TO GET YOU THIS TIME! THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM MY WRAITH!

PANEL TWO:
Johnny stepping out into the hallway. Zee stops.

3 JOHNNY: WILL YOU SHUT UP!

4 ZEE: JEEZ JOHNNY, YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME!

5 JOHNNY: ZEE, HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO WIN IF YOU ARE CHARGING INTO BATTLE SCREAMING YOUR HEAD OFF?

PANEL THREE:
24 falls from the ceiling, firing lasers at Johnny and Zeek.

6 24: EAT MOLTEN SLAG!

PANEL FOUR:
Zee falls to the ground surrounded by energy. Johnny leaps out of the way, rolls to the floor and starts firing on 24.

7 JOHNNY: NOT TODAY 24. YOU MAY HAVE GOT THE DROP ON ZEE. YOU’RE NOT TAKING ME!

PAGE TEN

INSERT PANEL ONE:
Shots whiz past 24 as his mechanical body dodges every shot.

8 24: I AM TOO FAST TO BE HIT BY THE--

SFX: BBBBBZZZZZZZAAACCCCKKKKK!!!

FULL PAGE PANEL:
24 falls to the ground. Suzi Q stands there behind him. Her tazzor gun is still pointed up as a smile is on her face..

9 SUZI Q: GREAT PLAN GUYS. JUST RUN AROUND LIKE FOOLS AND LET THE PRO HANDLE EVERYTHING.

INSERT PANEL THREE:
Johnny helping Zeek up off the floor.

10 SUZI: YOU TWO ARE SAD.

11 ZEE: WHO SET THE LEVEL ON THESE THINGS? I ‘BOUT WET MYSELF WHEN I WAS HIT.

PAGE ELEVEN

PANEL ONE:
24 is standing up as he looks at the tazzor gun on his arm. Suzi is standing right there.

2 24: I…I…I SET THE EQUIPMENT UP THIS…THIS…THIS TIME.

3 SUZI: YOU SET THEM TOO HIGH 24. ZEE WILL HAVE A TWITCH FOR THE NEXT WEEK.

4 ZEE (OP): BITE ME!

PANEL TWO:
Suzi Q standing there with hands on her hips.

5 SUZI Q: NO "GOOD JOB". NO "THANKS FOR SAVING OUR BUTTS SUZI". GOD, WHAT A BUNCH OF BABIES!

PANEL THREE:
Johnny and Zee stand there looking at each other.

6 JOHNNY AND ZEE: THANK YOU, SUZI. YOU WERE AMAZING!

PANEL FOUR:
Suzi Q raises gun and shoots both of them.

7 SUZI: WHATEVER. YOU'RE A BUNCH OF…

8 ZEE: SHOULDN’T GECKO BE BACK BY NOW?

9 JOHNNY: NO HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE MEET FOR ANOTHER 5 MINUTES. SUZI GET UP THERE AND TAKE OVER THE CONTROL OF (RANDY WE NEED A NAME FOR 24’S SMALLER ROBOT).

PAGE TWELVE

PANEL ONE:
Gecko (keep in mind he is in a disguise) is staring up looking at the view of the Phoenix statue and Neon City behind it. A flying car is landing a few yards away. In his hand is a briefcase.

34 CAPTION: THE BLACK MARKET HAS BECOME A THRIVING BUSINESS IN NEON CITY. THE BEST IN THIS BUSINESS IS THE TECHBOYZ.

PANEL TWO:
A wide shot of the island. You see Gecko, Phillips and two other men, one holding a case.

35 PHILLIPS: HELLO, GECKO. DO YOU HAVE THE IMPLANT CHIPS?

36 GECKO: RIGHT HERE. THE MONEY?

PANEL THREE:
One of the men with Phillips opens a briefcase full of money.

37 PHILLIPS: NOW THE CHIPS.

PANEL FOUR:
Gecko holds the open briefcase while Phillips looks at the chips inside it.

38 PHILLIPS: THESE ARE NOT BLACK MARKET ONES.

39 GECKO: NO THESE ARE LEGIT. GOTTEN STRAIGHT FROM THE FACTORY.

40 PHILLIPS: YOU REALLY SHOULD WORK FOR ME GECKO. I HAVE ANOTHER JOB FOR YOU.

41 GECKO: I AM LISTENING.

PAGE THIRTEEN

PANEL ONE:
Phillips bellowing out this new job. He is doing his best to make the sell without giving away too much.

43 PHILLIPS: I WANT YOU TO STEAL A BLACK BOX. FROM YAMAMOTO. I WILL TRIPLE YOUR NORMAL RATE. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

PANEL TWO: The two men shake hands.

1 GECKO: WE’RE IN. SEND US THE INFO THROUGH THE USUAL CHANNELS.

PANEL THREE: Through a target sight you see Phillips and his men leaving as Gecko stands watching them.

PANEL FOUR:
Show (whatever we call him) hovering over the shoulder the statue, looking down at them.

PAGE FOURTEEN

PANEL ONE:
A mansion outside the city with high walls and a guarded gate surrounds the house.

1 CAPTION: YAMAMOTO COMPOUND.

2 CAPTION: HOME OF THE WORLD’S RICHEST MAN. HE IS OWNER OF YAMAMOTO. NEARLY ALL COMPUTERS ARE MANUFACTURED AT YAMAMOTO INDUSTRIES. AS WELL AS A GREAT MANY OTHER THINGS.

PANEL TWO:
Ikira is laid up in bed. Several devices are around to help him breath as well as other things. A doctor and nurse are looking him over as Matsumi sits his bedside.

3 MATSUMI: GRANDFATHER, IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?

4 IKIRA: JUST CALL THE OFFICE AND TELL GORDAN TO COME WORK HERE TODAY.

PANEL THREE:
The nurse is taking blood samples from Ikira. The doctor is standing looking over is chart.

5 IKIRA: AS YOU CAN SEE I SEEM TO BE EXPEIRENCING A PROBLEM.

6 DOCTOR: MR. YAMAMOTO, YOU SEEM TO BE DOING FINE CONSIDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHERS.

7 IKIRA: DON’T PATRONIZE ME! I OWN YOU REMEMBER? OR DID YOU FORGET HOW I HELPED YOU GET OUT OF THAT MESS WITH THE INTERN?

PANEL FOUR:

The doctor is talking to Ikira. Behind him the nurse is labeling the last tube of blood.

8 DOCTOR: YES SIR. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.

9 IKIRA: GOOD AS LONG AS WE BOTH KNOW I AM INCHARGE.

SFX: PING!

PANEL FIVE:
Ikira is on the phone with Soto. Ikira waves the doctor to back off.

10 MR. SOTO (OP): I HAVE IT!

11 IKIRA: HAVE IT AT THE AIRPORT AT 4PM THIS AFTERNOON. YOU WILL TAKE IT TO THE OSAKA BRANCH FOR TESTING.

PAGE FIFTEEN

PANEL ONE:
Ikira looks forcefully at Matsumi.

1 IKIRA: I NEED YOU TO CALL AND HAVE THE PLANE READY TO GO BY 4 O’CLOCK.

2 MATSUMI: YES SIR. I WILL DO IT RIGHT NOW.

PANEL TWO:
Suki walks in as Matsumi is leaving.

3 SUKI: HELLO, UNCLE. EVERYONE SEEMS BUSY TODAY.

4 IKIRA (OP): YES, THEY ACTUALLY WORK FOR A LIVING.

PANEL THREE:
Suki is at the foot of the bed.

5 SUKI: UNCLE, I JOINED THE NCC TO HELP THE COMPANY. BESIDES SOMEONE NEEDS TO SINCE YOU AND MATSUMI LIVE IN FANTASYLAND.

PANEL FOUR:
An evil look is on Ikira’s face as he stares over his oxygen mask.

6 IKIRA: DON’T PLAY THIS ACT FOR THEIR BENEFIT. WE BOTH KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND I HAVE SEEN TO IT YOU WILL NEVER OWN THE COMPANY!

7 SUKI: THEN YOU ARE A FOOL…

SFX: PING!

PANEL FIVE:
Suki has a hand over her left ear as she begins to stare off into space. Her eyes are a hazy white tint to them.

8 SUKI: ONE MOMENT, UNCLE.

PAGE SIXTEEN

PANEL ONE:
Police are on the scene in the alley were Edgar’s body is. There is a sweeper in the background picking up trash. Jane is kneeling by the body picking up pieces of evidence.

1 KIEFER: HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU MAKE A CRIME SCENE?

2 JANE: NO BUT MOST CAN’T SEE PAST THE DOUGHNUT. HEY KIEFER.

PANEL TWO:
Jane is up talking to Kiefer. Behind her is flashing lights from the police car that is now landing.

3 KIEFER: ANY CHANCE YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR ME?

4 JANE: MY GUESS IT WAS A HIT. THERE IS NOTHING MISSING. THE GUY STILL HAS HIS IMPLANTS.

PANEL THREE:
The two are still talking as Natsu walks up.

5 KIEFER: THANKS JANE. GET ME A RUSH ON THE CASINGS. I THINK IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH FAT TONY AND THE YAKUZA.

6 JANE: SURE THING BUT IT WILL COST YOU.

PANEL FOUR:
Kiefer turns to talk with Natsu. Jane and several others are taking the body away.

7 NATSU: A WITNESS SAYS THAT THERE WAS THREE GUYS LEAVING THE ALLEY. TO MAKE IT SHORT IT WAS A SHAKE DOWN.

8 KIEFER: ANY DISCRIPTION?

PANEL FIVE:
A clipboard type computer. On the screen is a picture of Mick and some information on him.

9 NATSU (OP): YEAH, A MICK SUGIO

PAGE SEVENTEEN

PANEL ONE:
Natsu and Kiefer are talking still. An uniformed officer is standing next to them with a computer clipboard in hand.

10 KIEFER: MALONE, FIND OUT IF THERE WAS ANY DRONES HERE TODAY.

11 MALONE: YES SIR.

PANEL TWO:
Banks come walking past several officers.

12 BANKS: DETECTIVE HIDESATO.

13 KIEFER (OP): NO, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!

PANEL THREE:
Banks hands Kiefer several forms. Kiefer is pissed as he grabs them.

14 BANKS: THE NCC IS OFFICIALLY TAKING OVER THIS CASE. ALL PAPERWORK AND ANYTHING PERTAINING TO THIS CASE NEEDS TO BE HANDED OVER TO ME. KIEFER, YOU CAN GO PLAY COPS SOMEWHERE ELSE.

PANEL FOUR:
Kiefer shoves the forms in Banks’ suit pocket.

15 KIEFER: YOU KNOW I WOULD TELL YOU TO STICK THIS WERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE IF I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD LIKE IT. TELL SAM I SAID HELLO.

PAGE EIGHTEEN

PANEL ONE:
Samuel is talking to Dr. Grant. Samuel is mad as Grant watches in fear.

16 SAMUEL: ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU CAN’T HANDLE SIMPLE PROGRAMMING?

17 GRANT: SIR, THE MODIFICATIONS YOU WANT, TAKE TIME.

PANEL TWO:
Suki walks in as the two men are still talking.

18 SAMUEL: LOOK GRANT. EITHER YOU DO WHAT I HIRED YOU FOR OR I WILL SEND YOU TO A JOY RANCH.

19 GRANT: OH GOD! SIR, PLEASE DON’T!

20 SAMUEL: THEN DO IT!

PANEL THREE:
Suki walks up to Samuel as Grant scurries away.

21 SUKI: NO WONDER YOU ARE HEAD OF THE NCC.

22 SAMUEL: I NEED TO GO MAKE SURE THOSE WORKING WITH HIM UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION WELL. SO LETS MAKE THIS FAST.

PANEL FOUR:
Suki sits in the chair in front of the desk. Samuel stands against the desk.

23 SAMUEL: I HAVE ALLOWED YOUR UNCLE TO GET AWAY WITH SEVERAL THINGS OVER THE LAST YEAR. AFTER TODAY ITS TIME FOR HIM TO PAY FOR ALL THE TROUBLE HE HAS CAUSED.

24 SUKI: WHAT CAN I DO?

PANEL FIVE:
The two are still talking.

25 SAMUEL: I NEED A NEW ACCOUNTANT TO HANDLE THE COMPANY ACCOUNTS. I WANT YOU TO START BY GOING OVER THE YAMAMOTO ACCOUNT AND HAVE THEM PAY A MILLION CREDS FOR EACH TIME THE NCC HAD TO CLEAN UP THERE MISTAKES.

26 SUKI: IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE TO DO THAT. I DO HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

PAGE NINETEEN

PANEL ONE:
Suki stands up and hands him a file.

27 SUKI: IKIRA HAS BEEN SICK FOR THE LAST FEW MONTHS NOW. THIS IS WHY. HE AND SEVERAL OTHERS TESTED ONE OF THE FIRST SAMPLES AND WAS HURT DURING IT.

PANEL TWO:
Samuel looks at the file.

28 SUKI: AS YOU CAN SEE IT HAS PROGRESSED INTO SOMETHING BETTER.

29 SAMUEL: WAIT. THIS IS A NANO VIRUS! THEY CREATED THIS?

30 SUKI: YES.

PANEL THREE:
Samuel is still sitting on the desk looking over the file. Suki is pointing out what has happened to test subjects.

31 SAMUEL: IF THIS IS TRUE. YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER YOU WANT.

32 SUKI: I WANT TO BE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE NCC.

33 SAMUEL: GET THE VIRUS AND WE WILL TALK.

PAGE TWENTY

PANEL ONE:
The Tech Boyz are sitting around a table. High tech equipment is surrounding them. Johnny is at the head of the table. He is talking about the mission and planning a stratagem using the monitors.

34 JOHNNY: OUR JOB IS TO OBTAIN A LITTLE BLACK BOX FROM YAMAMOTO INDUSTRIES. IT IS LEAVING TO THE AIRPORT IN 3 HOURS. THERE WILL BE THREE ARMED MEN ON THE FLIGHT. WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO IS 24 WILL LEAD A FRONTAL ASSAULT TO TRY TO DIVERT THE ATTENTION OF THE MEN WHILE THE REST OF US INFILTRATE THE PLANE.

PANEL TWO:
Johnny is still talking about the mission.

35 JOHNNY: I WILL TAKE OVER THE COCKPIT WHILE SUZI AND GECKO STEAL THE BOX. ZEE YOU WILL MONITOR THE SITUATION FROM HERE. ANY QUESTIONS?

PANEL THREE:
Everyone.

36 JOHNNY: ALRIGHT TROOPS LETS GET READY, THE CLOCK IS TICKING.

PANEL FOUR:
Airport. A man in very simple clothing for the times is getting off the plane.

37 CAPTION: NEON CITY INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT.

PANEL FIVE:
He walks ominously to a man in a driver's uniform.

38 DRIVER: GOOD MORNING, SIR. I AM HERE TO DRIVE YOU WERE EVER YOU NEED TOGO. DO YOU HAVE ANY LUGGAGE?

39 ZHI-MING: NO.

PAGE TWENTY-ONE

PANEL ONE:
A skyscraper. Penthouse apartment looking over the rest of the city.

41 CAPTION: HOME OF FAT TONY THE LEADER OF THE FATONI SYNDICATE. THE FATONI FAMILY HAS CONTROLED THE WORLD OF ORGANIZE CRIME FOR MANY YEARS IN NEON CITY.

PANEL TWO:
Tony is still in bed with two girls. Clothes are strung out all over the place. Several drug items are next to the bed as well as champagne. One of the girls is hunched over snorting some cocaine as Tony is taking care of the other one.

42 TONY: YOU GIRLS READY FOR…

SFX: KNOCK…KNOCK!

43 TONY: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

PANEL THREE:
Tony's bodyguards walk in with a little nerdy guy in tow.

44 GUARD 1: HEY BOSS, THIS LITTLE GUY WANTS TA TALK TO YA. HE INSISTED.

45 TONY: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BOTHERING ME WHEN I AM WITH THE GIRLS?

46 GUARD 1: I KNOWS THAT BOSS, BUT HE SAID ITS EXTRE…EXTRA…VERY IMPORTANT.

47 TONY: YOU GOT THIRTY SEECONDS OR--

PANEL FOUR:
Close on man. Looks extremely nervous.

48 TONY: --THEY WILL BE MOPPING THAT BIG BRAIN OF YOURS OFF THE FLOOR!

49 MR. AMETTO: YES SIR, MY NAME IS MR. AMETTO…UM…THERE IS A REPORT OF A LITTLE BLACK BOX THAT IS JAPAN BOUND. MY RESOURSES SAY THAT IT SEEMS WHATEVER IS IN IT IS VERY VALUABLE AND WHOMEVER GETS IT WILL HAVE A LOT OF INFLUENCE.

50 TONY: AND WHAT GOOD IS THIS FOR ME?

PANEL FIVE:
Tony walking across the room towards Mr. Ametto.

51 MR. AMETTO: WELL SIR, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WANT TO RUN ALL BUSINESS IN NEON CITY. WELL THIS IS THE POWER YOU NEED TO HELP YOU.

52 TONY: INTERESTING. JUST THE KINDA EDGE I NEED RIGHT NOW.

53 MR. AMETTO: ALL I WANT IS A CHANCE TO STUDY IT.

54 TONY: DEAL.

PAGE TWENTY-TWO

INSERT PANEL ONE:
The pilot of the plane is lying on the floor of the cockpit out cold. Johnny is in the seat.

61 ZEE (OP): TEAM THE BOX HAS ARRIVED.

62 JOHNNY: EVERYONE IN POSSITION.

INSERT PANEL TWO:
Soto, Mick and Rob are walking from the car to the plane.

63 ZEE (OP): OH NO! GUYS SOMEONE ELSE IS COMING!

BIG PANEL:
Tony’s limo blasts through the gate and heading straight towards the plane. Vencenzo and Bruno are shooting out the sunroof and back seat window.

SFX: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Dinnin Do'Urden
04-11-2003, 11:35 PM
Pretty good story. The only crit I have now is of the spacing, I had a hard time reading with one line writen after another. I'll give a better crit later, I'ts getting pretty late. :D

daredevil30269
04-11-2003, 11:43 PM
I know. I am not happy with the way it shows up when I paste it on the forums. For some reason when I paste it on any forum the thing turns out like this. I think the template has a problem. But for some reason it works every other way. Just not when yopu paste it.

banshee
04-13-2003, 09:47 PM
hi daredevil! not sure if I'd see your work bfr but I'd like to say welcome! (in case lol)

Isnt it spelt Phoenix and not Pheonix? or was that deliberate?

CAPTION: THE YEAR IS 2050 AND IT HAS BEEN FORTY YEARS SINCE THE END OF THE WAR THAT LED TO THE WHOLESALE DESTRUCTION OFNEW YORK CITY.

A suggestion- The year is 2050, forty years after the total destruction of New York City during the war.

The sentence reads better that way IMHO.

1 CAPTION: BUT NO MATTER HOW ADVANCED THE TECHNOLOGY BECOMES AND HOW WE GROW AS A SOCIETY SOMETHINGS NEVER CHANGE. LIKE--

Shldnt it b Caption 4? Just a niggling point lol The jump from naming it Neon city to this seems a lil abrupt in terms of the flow.

A suggestion- Utopian in theory, perhaps. But advanced technology and ideals can't change human nature.. The same things still govern us, such as...


What does Soto and Ikira look like? Unless you are the artist as well, a lil description wld help the artist realise your idea of these characters so much faster/easier. the numbering of your dialogue is a lil bit disconcerting. Number your captions if there are multiple but if characters are talking, no need for numbering I think.

3 MR. SOTO: SIR MY MEN ARE RECTIFYING THE SITUATION EVEN AS WE SPEAK.

Better punctuation- Sir, my men are rectifying the situation, even as we speak.

In the upper right hand corner is like a see a smart screen [q] showing Ikira in an oxygen mask.
a what?

banshee
04-13-2003, 10:21 PM
Didnt finish my crit LOL pressed enter whilst in the wrong place, major ooopsy!

Page 2 (contd)

5 IKIRA: SOTO, YOU ARE MY BEST EMPLOYEE DON’T DISAPPOINT ME.
6 SOTO (OP): YES SIR. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH EDGAR?

Punctuation- Soto, you are my best employee. Don't disappoint me.

suggestion- Soto- Yes, sir. Sir, about Edgar, what would you like me to do with him?

Soto is speaking to his superior so his tone/phrases chosen wld read diffr.


Page 3-
Again descriptions of your characters wld help.

2 COUPLE (OP): WATCHOUT!

Shld be spaced as two words.

Edgar collides into a couple as he turns to run, causing all of them to fall over.

all of them? A couple is only two people. You cld say a group of ppl instead.

Page 8-

3 CAPTION: IN A WORLD OF LUST, GREED AND MURDER THE DRONES ARE THE EYES OF GOD. GOD BEING--

Punctuation- In a world of lust, greed and murder, the drones are like the eyes of the gods.

I suggest you remove the ' god being ' bit. Doesnt flow naturally into the next caption. Again, descriptions of characters wld help!

4 CAPTION: --THE NEON CITY COPS AND THIS MAN,SAMUEL PHEONIX. BEING THE GRANDSON OF STEPHEN, GIVING HIM PRIVLIDGE AND PRESTIGUE OVER MOST CITIZENS OF NEON CITY. BEING HEAD OF THE N.C.C. ONLY ADDS TO THAT.

Suggestion:
Caption 1- Who are Neon City's gods? The city's police force and this man.
Caption 2- Samuel Phoenix, grandson of the man who rebuilt Neon City, accustomed to privilege and prestige. Being head of the N.C.C helps too.

10 SASHA: YES SIR.
punctuation- Yes, Sir.

Page 9-
Again, descriptions!!

Panel 1- WRAITH!
?? Is it meant to be 'wrath'?

9 JOHNNY: NO HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE THE MEET FOR ANOTHER 5 MINUTES.
Punctuation- have a comma after the No.

Name for the robot? How abt 12? half of 24? hehe

Page 12-

THE BEST IN THIS BUSINESS IS THE TECHBOYZ.

The best in the business are the techboyz.

2 CAPTION: HOME OF THE WORLD’S RICHEST MAN. HE IS OWNER OF YAMAMOTO. NEARLY ALL COMPUTERS ARE MANUFACTURED AT YAMAMOTO INDUSTRIES. AS WELL AS A GREAT MANY OTHER THINGS.

suggestion- Home of the world's richest man. He is the owner of Yamamoto Industries which produce nearly all of computers sold, among other things.

page 14-
The panel 2 description, Matsumi shld be sitting "by" his bedside.

PANEL THREE:
The nurse is taking blood samples from Ikira. The doctor is standing looking over is chart.
5 IKIRA: AS YOU CAN SEE I SEEM TO BE EXPEIRENCING A PROBLEM.
6 DOCTOR: MR. YAMAMOTO, YOU SEEM TO BE DOING FINE CONSIDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHERS.
7 IKIRA: DON’T PATRONIZE ME! I OWN YOU REMEMBER? OR DID YOU FORGET HOW I HELPED YOU GET OUT OF THAT MESS WITH THE INTERN?

panel description- The doctor is standing over his chart.

Ikira- As you can see, I seem to be experiencing a problem.
Doctor- Mr. Yamamoto, You seem to be doing fine. Consider what happened to all the others.
Ikira- Don't patrionise me, Doctor. I own you! Don't forget what I've done for you in the past.

9 IKIRA: GOOD AS LONG AS WE BOTH KNOW I AM INCHARGE.

Ikira- Good. So long as we both know who is in charge here.

5 SUKI: UNCLE, I JOINED THE NCC TO HELP THE COMPANY. BESIDES SOMEONE NEEDS TO SINCE YOU AND MATSUMI LIVE IN FANTASYLAND.

Suki- Uncle, I joined the NCC to help the company. You and Matsumi seem to live in a fantasy world, someone had to set things straight.

6 IKIRA: DON’T PLAY THIS ACT FOR THEIR BENEFIT. WE BOTH KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND I HAVE SEEN TO IT YOU WILL NEVER OWN THE COMPANY!

Ikira- Don't put on this act for their benefit. We both know what you want but you won't get it. You will never own this company.

Page 16-
Police are on the scene in the alley were Edgar’s body is.
'where'

8 KIEFER: ANY DISCRIPTION?
'description'

Page 17-
talking still.
'still talking'

KIEFER: MALONE, FIND OUT IF THERE WAS ANY DRONES HERE TODAY.
'there were'

panel 4- 'where the sun don't shine'

Page 18, Panel 1- remove the comma after the 'want'

Panel 5- 'their' not 'there'

pg 19-Panel 1. during the testing. instead of it.

panel 5- 'wherever' and togo shld be two seperate words.

Pg 21- Panel 1- shld be "organized crime"

Panel 3- 'seconds', not 'seeconds'

Panel 4- 'Japan-bound' or 'bound for Japan. '
Tony shld say "what good is this to me?"
Panel 5-
51 MR. AMETTO: WELL SIR, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WANT TO RUN ALL BUSINESS IN NEON CITY. WELL THIS IS THE POWER YOU NEED TO HELP YOU.

Suggestion- You want to own all Neon City businesses. Well, this is the power you need to achieve that goal.

banshee
04-13-2003, 10:24 PM
Page 22-
Panel 1- EVERYONE IN POSSITION.
'position'

panel 2- "Guys, "

Overall, I like it, an interesting script and subject matter. I will stress spelling, punctuation checks and character descriptions as well. The dialogue will reflect the type of character, Ikira's dialogue seems too childish for a man who owns such a powerful corporation.

But I know it's a long crit LOL but hey, good job!

looking fwd to seeing more!

B.

daredevil30269
04-14-2003, 01:27 AM
Guys I know that I have no character descriptions, I tend to have a seperate page for them. If you want I can post it with this.

Everyone, thank you for taking the time to look at this. I know it is a full 22 page script.

Also thank you Banshee thank you for your critique. I use to post alot on here but I have been busy lately.

banshee
04-15-2003, 09:32 AM
no worries, dd anytime! :)

wldnt mind character descriptions, tends to read easier and helps us visualise better. At least for me it does

good stuff!