Hello & comic pages for crit

[johnnyfive]

Hi, everyone. I've been reading the forums for a while and I have to say I'm very very impressed with all the great artwork that everyone posts. I wish I were half as good as most of the folks here.

I'm trying to get myself together and draw more, and I've been working on improving my storytelling and drawing skills by doing an online comic. I would love to get some feedback on the first few pages of the newest book, so that I can revise and improve them as necessary. I would really appreciate anything that youall have to say!

http://www.coswellproductions.org/graphics/page-1.jpg

http://www.coswellproductions.org/graphics/page-2.jpg

http://www.coswellproductions.org/graphics/page-3.jpg

[Imiron]

Good stuff.

[chynco]

I think these pages are coming along pretty good.

theres some things that bother me though. Nothin major but I think changing a couple things could help you tell a clearer story.

First of all, it's really difficult to tell you're characters apart, they all look very similar. I understand that that's your style and you can keep it, but you still need to make the different people look a little more unique, like making their hair OBVIOUSLY different or making their cloths OBVIOUSLY different. that's all for the style.

Your storytelling is good so far, you have establishing shots, a good array of emotion and , for the most part, clearly paced.

Some parts where I get confused are panels 4-6. in the panel before that, the person at the cash register is on the right then swithces and is on the left, and the girl(?) is then on the right. NOT good to make a 180 change in camera angle, it becomes too confusing... and it's not neccesary in your case. Lots of beggining cartoonists make the mistake of moving the camera around too much, they TRY to give a lot of dramatic angle but instead make it MORE confusing.
think of a TV show, the camera is pretty steady. It doesnt seem like you're doing an action strip so you dont need alot of camera changes.

and you need to be careful with having no panel gutters. if you draw a panel with a lot of straight vertical and horizontal lines it may confuse the reader into thinking that two panels are connected when they really arent, like the last panels of this strip. a quick and easy solution is to just make the borders much thicker than any of the lines you're going to draw inside the panel.

but the story looks interesting so far, tell me when its gonna be up cuz i'd like to see more.

good luck and have fun!. ................. i sound like im gonna play warcraft... :rolleyes:

[johnnyfive]

Hey, thanks for the kind words and the honest critique. I can't believe I broke the 180 rule...I'm usually better about such things. :( I worked out the angles in my head, and I think I can get a better shot for panels 3 and 7 if I flip the camera around. That way, I can also better represent the fellow with the goatee as an employee, because, at the moment, he looks like a customer.

I'll work on differentiating the characters a bit more. Character design was always my weakest point, and one of my summer goals is to work on just that. I'm still kicking around whether or not I want to use gutters, but if I don't, I'll make the lines a lot thicker. I'll post the changed pages when I finish with them.

The short stories I'm tacking are pretty simple, and meant to work my skills as much as I can. This one is relationship-based and mainly psychological (guy behind the counter likes the girl; just can't ask her out; goes after her, working over the final encounter in his head) so that I can practice using the character's whole body, instead of dialogue, to show emotion. Each one makes me focus my skills on one particular thing (one involves a high-speed inline skater, for a lot of fast action shots; one is a constant dialogue between two people; etc).

Thanks again! :)

[Devil Man 666]

Yeah, what he said. I love those eyebrows :p . But seriously, this is cool stuff. What is Kande'! ? Is it actual candy or something else? I see that you are from Baltimore too. Cool beans :cool:

Keep up the good work ;pencil;

[Dinnin Do'Urden]

Nice work Jman. Reminds me of Garfield for some reason. ;) I never seen this kind of art in a while and its nice to see it on these boards. Keep it up, dude. :)

[johnnyfive]

Devil Man 666: Thx, fellow Balti-moron. :) Everyone I show my work to always digs the eyebrows. I'm not sure what Kande is, it just sounded cool for a brand name.

Dinnin: Thx for the kind words. After seeing the work normally on these boards, I was afraid my cartoony television animation style wouldn't be as warmly received as it was.

I've almost got changes to the 180 Rule problems on the first page done, and I'll get those posted soon, prolly tomorrow.

Thanks again everyone :)

[Ra Havok]

Welcome to PencilJack, Johnny!
This is a great place to learn and have fun!


Your sequentials are good. Nice style. Some glitches here and there, both when it comes to storytelling as the drawings themselves, but all in all this seems promising!

forgive me that my comment isn't too in-depth (lack of time)

[Joe Mad! Fan]

nice work, man. style reminds me of the human characters (jon) from the garfield strips. very nice :)


-Joe MaD! Fan

[johnnyfive]

Ra Havok: Thanks for the welcome! I am definitely here to learn and hang out with other cool artists. You haven't heard the last of me. ;)

Joe Mad! Fan: Thanks for the kind words, man. :)

I fixed some problems with the 180 Rule and have the result below. I still haven't gotten around to fixing all the issues, but I feel that the revised version is a huge improvement.

http://www.coswellproductions.org/graphics/page-1-camera-fix.jpg

[cabralsoth]

these are very nice ... have you ever thought of going to your local newspaper and see if they would give you a chance of poutting your work in the paper funny section?

[Joe Mad! Fan]

johnnyfive: no prob :)

[Lovecraft13]

Hey Johnnyfive,

Nice work. It's nice to actually run into other Baltimore creators. You should get in touch with the owner [Randy] of Legends Comics right down the street from Towson University. He started up his own indie publication focusing on comic strips like the one you posted above. He'd really be interested in your work.

[johnnyfive]

Lovecraft13: I've actually had a few people tell me about that mag. I'd need to get my work print-friendly, but I'm definitely seriously considering it. :)

[PanzerBanana]

I really like what you're doin'. I'm gettin' that Garfield vibe too. But also there's something else that I can't quite put my finger on. Something so familiar in your style....