New Project

[JamesQ]

I haven't really had the chance to post in a while, but I've been working with a writer on a new project that Im pretty excited about. Here is page one from the new book.
http://images.deviantart.com/large/indyart/indymisc/PageOne.jpg

Here is a link to show you the main character who doesn't fully appear until the third page.
The Hero (http://www.penciljack.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=28569)

All comments welcomed.

[ARMISTICE]

Looks pretty cool thus far man!:cool:

Keep us posted!;)

[chynco]

very nice clean page so far. you're doing a good job of keeping things clear and easy to understand. nice establishing shots.

only problem i have is the street scene looks a bit deserted...i think a real street would have just little more in it, even if it's night time, especially new york city - -it's new york right?- - where's the street vendors booths and parked cars and fire hydrants and garbage and contruction and such...? i've always had a hard time drawing street scenes but it helps a lot when you've got reference.

another question... are those dots walking into that alley supposed to be the men in the next panels? if it is, then it's a little too subtle to notice. you have to zoom in on them just a little bit more... or maybe the dialogue ballons will help when they point to them...

but really good job so far, i'd love to see more

[JamesQ]

Armistice-Thanks. I'll definately be posting here for some crits and feedback.

Chynco-Yep. Its supposed to be NYC. And the sad part is that I did use a reference photo. I took out a few people and about three cars, other than that, it was pretty much right on.
The guys are supposed to be in that alley. I think the only way to save that would be to put the dialogue balloon coming from there to really let the people know that it is indeed them. Fortunately, I will be the editor so I can make that happen. Thanks for the crit, Chynco. Very valuable insight.

JamesQ

[cabralsoth]

hey jamesq ... im just gonna jump into the crits ...

1. very beautiful establishing shot.
2. also a nice pic , but i think you need to use more spotted blacks to sell it as being night time ...
3. the perspective is a bit off on this one ... according to this they would be leaning back if the camera was straight on them ....
4. the next 2 panels threw me off though ... in the first it looks like whatever the guy is looking at is what they all take their guns out at , yet from looking back and forth with the placement of the characters , im assuming that its one of his henchman the one with the long hair ... so you dont really give an indication that they should have their guns drawn cause it looks like the story jumped an extra panel .

you do have some very nice and clear illustrations so this helps ... keep up the good work ...

[JamesQ]

Thanks for the crit cabralsoth. I see what you mean about needing more spotted blacks in panel 2. And I see what you mean about the angle in panel three. Panel four and five are missing sound effects. Right behind the guy with the mustach will be the sound of a revving engine. The sound will becoming from the dark alley behind them. That should help move the story along and make it look less like he's looking at the guy with the long hair.

Thanks again.

JamesQ

[Overcaffeinated]

The only frame I have a problem with is the third one. The perspective doesn't look entirely right and the guy in the middle looks a bit disproportionate. The isometric view on this one seems somewhat uninteresting. Maybe move the guys around somewhat to add to the composition? (too much empty space on the upper part of that frame).

Also, with that kind of alley, it looks like there should be a garbage dumpster next to the wall, and some more garbage lying on the ground.

The other frames are great, though. I specially liked the last one. Seems like a very appropriately dramatic shot.

[JamesQ]

Thanks for the input ovrcfintd. The reason for the extra empty panel is because of dialogue. That was one of my many critisms from Loston on this site because I always filled up the whole panel, never leaving room for dialogue. This time I know what the dialogue will be about and how much room it will take up. So I left enough room. The guys in the shot aren't there for filler, they are there because I want to show that there are four guys that will be involved in the action that will transpire on the next two or three pages. A little foreshadowing as far as storytelling is concerned. Their placement to one another also plays a role in the story so I wanted to give a precise idea of where they were all standing.
Thanks again, OvrCfinatd.

JamesQ

[Bruce Lee]

James,

Hey, dude! Looking good! A few crits though (didn't think you'd recognize my post without 'em!;) ):

Panel One: This shot would be so much better if we were seeing this scene from the flip side of the bridge. That way, you'd have a nice bridge running from the left into the city at the right. That would have a much nicer flow to it, don't you think? You could flip the panel, but you would have to allow for the cityscape alterations.

Panel Two: I like this panel, but I'm a little puzzled by it. Is it really necessary? I'm guessing so, but not having read the script and seeing this page cold, I'd think the establishing shot of the city in panel one is enough to set up the events that follow into panel three. I'm guessing that there's a lot of caption stuff that must come into play, thus the extra location shot--right?

This town looks a little dead. There should probably be more cars on the street (unless this is Durham, North Carolina ;) ). I like the perspective and POV. I also noticed you're making a conscious effort to leave space for captions and balloons, which is good.

Panel Three: I don't like this panel. For one thing, I don't like that you've utilized two "birdseye" POVs in a row. Don't go to the well too much, or you'll taint the water, man!

The other thing about this panel that is bothersome is that the figures don't strike me as being posed in a natural manner. There's also an equal distance of space between the characters, which also seems a tad unnatural.

If it were me, I would do a couple things to this panel. 1) I'd change the POV. 2) I'd probably drop the panel borders, making this panel open (AKA: a vignette). 3) I might consider the idea of making these figures silhouettes, just for some variety. I don't know that I'd definately do silhouetted figures, but I'd certainly play around with the notion.

Panel Four: This panel's okay, except I think I' want to see more of the figure on the right than just his shoulder, because the shoulder shape is too amibuous on its own.

Panel Five: Not bad! Not bad at all. You've generated a lot of depth in this panel, and that's great. Just one thing to point out though. The guy on the far right, wearing the black jacket has grown about a foot taller since panel four! Think about the perspective here. He should be about the same size as the guy with the mustache in the front. If you do your gridwork, I think you'll find that he's too tall in this shot. Either that, or the guy with the 'stache has shrunk!eek:

Overall, this page is looking good, but I wanted to point those things out to you, having some time to browse the web on my early morning break.

Take it easy, John!

Loston
http://www.lostonwallace.com

[JamesQ]

Thanks Loston. I knew I could count on you for a solid crit. I don't have much time to comment, but I wanted to let you know that Im taking all of your suggestions to heart. I don't know if I have the time to make all the corrections you mentioned but it'll keep me on the right track.

James