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View Full Version : Lazarus Voice: Even Angels Die *Part One*



Graphikz
04-01-2003, 02:23 AM
((The world as we know it has changed over the past few years. No one really knows what has set this change in motion. And to be honest, no one cares. Earth...the mortal plane has become nothing more then a battleground for Heaven and Hell. Thats where I and my kind come in. My name is Lazarus....Lazarus Voice. my employers are the 3rd party in this war that no one talks about. We make sure that both sides play fair. and that what brings me to this scene. It's a run down bar in the waste lands. Only the walking dead come here. those who have truely stepped over the edge. I'm here,because God's angel's are playing a little dirty. for the past weeks they have been collecting the souls of these mindless killers in order to give them the advantage in the war. Normelly, we wouldn't consider this a violation. But, the Angels are convincing these poor souls to do it by suicide. thats a big no-no. I've been sent to remind them, that we are still watching and that they have crossed the line. I step from my portal, a way of travel I'll never get used to, and enter the empty streets. My first move is to find a bar.....portal jumping usually leaves me dry. I look around for a moment....and thats when I see it. "Devil's Ledge". Sounds like a great family spot. I walk through the doors and everyone looks at my direction. I pay them no mind as I make my way to the bar. I brush my dreads back and ask the bartender for a shot of whiskey and leave the bottle. He nods and pours my drink. If only the rest of the job would be this easy. ))

.....Hey there stranger.....

(( I turned around and was greeted by four men. it was the usual routine. all of them about 6'8", about 210 to 250 lbs. they have decided to pick on the new guy. A very wrong move for them. So much for me trying to be low key. I slide the bartender some creds and told him to get me another bottle of whiskey. The bartender looked at me and backed away towards the direction I was looking.))

.......Hey, I'm talking to you!!!!

(( Normally I wouldn't even waste my time, but I have a timeline to keep and I happen to be here with a lot of time to spare. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that I was starting to wear thin with them.))

How may I help you gentlemen?

How about that boys.....this fella here has some manners....Well boy, my and the boys over here that it was rightly nice of you to offer us a drink.

I don't recall yanking you chain and calling for you....

Haha...you gotta mouth boy, it's a real pretty piece of work. I think me and the boys are going to have fun with it.....

(( He didn't get the chance to finish talking, seeing that I just smashed the first whiskey bottle against his jaw sending him tumbling backwards. the second man moved quicker then I guessed...but not quick enough. He tried to swing but I was able to duck and thrust my foot into his knee. He hit the floor hard as I stepped on the side of his head and clotheslined the 3rd guy. But before I had the chance to finish the job, the fourth guy grabbed me in a bear hug. Now, I would of used the special skills and training given to me by The Order, but I was enjoying this too much. I clicked my heels togather which popped out my heel blades. I kicked back and the left heel blade stabbed the fourth men in his balls. He dropped me and I pulled both blades out the heels and throw both at him while he was falling. The first hit him in the collar bone. The second right above the adam's apple. By the time he hit the floor, he was dead. The 3rd guy got his bearings and set himself in a strange fighting stance. the first man was still checking on the second guy, which gave me time to work. I dropped back lightly on my heels and dared the 3rd guy to rush me. You know sometimes it is too easy... The 3rd guy rushes head down, screaming. I side stepped and trapped his throat between my elbow and kneecap. I twisted by body with a quick motion. He hit the floor gurggling his owbn blood. That just left the first two. One was down, but the other ws up and pissed. And that is bad for him. He moved one step to the right and I kicked and chair at his knee. He looked down to stop the chair. Perfect....I rushed him. He looked up and grabbed the chair. I slide right under hi and planted two feet in the small of his back. He goes flying head first into a wall. luckly it was a window. unlucky for him, there were antlers on the wall. Not bad I thought....until I heard a click.))

......Don't move......

(( I know the second one was heated and I didn't take him out first. Damn...thats a rookie move. if the boss saw this. I peered through the bar mirrior and I saw he was holding a P-12. not the biggest gun in the world, but it had enough kick to leave one half of your body missing. Now I would have to use the skill.))

Bang...Bang......Bang!!!!!!

(( the second was dropped, so I ducked behind a table, that was kicked up daring the fight, so I can get a lay of the land. Standing there holding a Automatic Pulse Cannon, was a vision of beauty. Her name was Chelle Blaze. She was a powder keg when she was pissed off. Not the tallest horse in the stable, but could tire out the toughest stud. She cocks the cannon and lets the shells hit the floor, before cradling the weapon on her shoulder. She slowly walks over to me.))

Now...why is it I always have to save your ass.

(( I go to hug her and recieve two slaps in the face, which gets the guys in the bar laughing. "You should call more" she whispers in my ear, before passionately kissing me. ))

If I knew I was going to be slapped I would of...so I take it Lush called...

You bet your ass, she knows as well as I do, sometimes you tend to get side tracked. But, still....it's nice to have you home again.

It's nice to be home...lets live before I have to shell out more creds...

((I tossed the bartender a few more creds. and follow Chelle out the door. She hops in her cruiser and starts it up. I hop in and lay back as she speeds off heading towards her ranch. While she starts talking about the last time I was there...my mind beigns to drift. If Lush called Chelle, that mines there is more to this whole thing that I was told. And if that is the case....I'm in for a long three days. I let my dreads drape over my face as my thoughts turn into nods and "yes....thats right". Thats what usually keeps my part of the talking normal. And that would be the only thing about this..that was normal.))

banshee
04-01-2003, 08:20 AM
hi there Graphiz! welcome to thewritersdesk.

I didnt see a lil intro to what your script is abt so am going blind here.

Bfr I crit anything, just a few questions first.

Is this for a comic script or just a general script for other forms of media?

I gave it a quick scan-thru and it has potential. If you are writing for comic books, then there is nothing for an artist to work wt. Splitting up your script into pages (and subsquently panels) wld help, not only for your artist but yourself in terms of referring back to what you've done. Even if it is a story (novel-based), it helps to have some referencing pointers.

so therefore my crit is based on general ok?

I'm here,because God's angel's are playing a little dirty[/q

shld be 'angels' no 's :)

[q] Normelly [/] Normally

I noticed that the word after the full stop (Begining of new stop) tends not to have a capital first letter. I suggest you rectify that.

[q] It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that I was starting to wear thin with them.))

Urm, why wld you "wear thin wt them" ? Shldnt it be his patience that begins to wear thin?

I don't recall yanking you chain and calling for you....

* don't recall yanking your chain..*

Another suggestion wld be to indicate who is speaking the dialogue. makes it less confusing. I know you use Bold and normal text to signify the differences in the story but pretend like your reader is an idiot and give them signs :)

Now, I would of used the special skills and training given to me by The Order, but I was enjoying this too much. I clicked my heels togather which popped out my heel blades. I kicked back and the left heel blade stabbed the fourth men in his balls.

* Now, I would have[/] used* * I clicked my heels [b] together *and out popped my heel blades. * *stabbed the fourth man in his groin

______________________________

ok I am gng to stop there. Theres a fair amount of typos in this script so I think perhaps you shld run a spellcheck over it and settle that. I dont think I hv to point out every typo. Best check your stuff first. Then decide on the style of script (assuming it is a script) and re-porst.

On the up side, excellent story telling! I liked it and look fwd to seeing more of it!

keep em coming!
B.

xadrian
04-01-2003, 02:02 PM
Looks like someone watched Prophecy recently.